when u don’t know how to comfort someone else but u try anyway

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when u don’t know how to comfort someone else but u try anyway

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SHE HAD DIED THREE YEARS , SEVEN MONTHS AND SIXTEEN DAYS AGO . he had died three years , seven months and thirteen days ago . dragonpox . and he hadn’t been there . just as he hadn’t been there for every important event in the last nine years of his life . euphemia & fleamont potter died thinking they were joining their son finally and instead james now stood hovering over their graves for the first time , years after their death ━━━ the guilt and the pain and the grief was absolutely excruciating . bending down so his knees were pressed into the dewey grass , james ran a gentle hand over the smooth marble , over the names stood side by side , over the flowers he had places so delicately at the base of the stone . he missed them . and more importantly he wish he had been there for them . euphemia & fleamont had been nothing if not the most loving parents one could find , and james now felt as if he had betrayed them , leaving them to die with a lie pressed against their minds .
SUCKING IN A DEEP BREATH , the man’s tired eyes flicked towards the stone that sat just to the right of his parents . HERE LIES JAMES HENRY POTTER ( march 17th , 1959 ━━━ 31st october , 1981 ) . LOVING SON , HUSBAND , FATHER & FRIEND . his very own grave . something someone was never supposed to see . feeling his heart race at the sight , his eyes instinctively returned to the grave he was knelt at , trying desperately to regain some sense of composure as he rose to his feet . ❛ m’sorry ma . m’sorry pa . ❜ his voice was barely above a whisper , melting into the grass beneath his feet as he wrapped his arms tight around his body . he could not have felt more alone . that is , until he heard a noise across the field . heart now racing with the fear of getting caught , james didn’t even look to see who it was before he hurried behind the nearest oak tree , trying desperately to hide himself from whoever was approaching . if he were in any other state , he might’ve just apparated straight out of there ━━━ but spending nine years away from the wizarding world had taken its toll , and he wasn’t so sure he had the strength to do so . all he could do was wait it out until the figure had either moved on or caught him right next to his very own gravestone .
HE LOOKED DIFFERENT ━━━ WAR-TORN . as if he’d been split right open and left to rot out in the sun . all alone . without anyone to help him . without his best mates to help him . and maybe part of it was his fault . his death . but maybe that was just his own , selfish thinking . typical james potter . thinking the world revolved around him . fuck , he had missed him . like the ocean would miss the salt , if that were taken away . he shouldn’t have abandoned him , that much was abundantly clear . he was only the second person james had now seen , and he was completely and utterly broken . a shell of the man he once was . dumbledore had warned him , there is little of the boy you left behind , but nothing could prepare him for this . this was the hardest part ━━━ reaping the consequences of his actions .
SNAPPING BACK INTO REALITY , james straightened his back , gripping onto remus’ shoulders in order to steady the both of them . their collision had been accidental , nothing major , but enough that james wasn’t going to get out of this scot-free ━━━ remus had surely recognised him by now . swallowing the lump in his throat , james averted his gaze to the ground , clearing his throat before mumbling one simple word , ❛ sorry . ❜ / @lupuhns
MARY.
for several long seconds, mary forgot how to breathe. the clink of the galleons hitting the floor and the irritated voice of the shopkeeper faded to a murmur. she stared. she stared. she stared. james potter was dead. she knew that. she had been to his funeral. she had mourned him. and yet, here he was, standing in front of her – thinner, older, but it was him. it was a dream. it was a nightmare. a hallucination. was she dead, too ? was heaven just a dingy old shop with a shortage of galleons ? no, she was being ridiculous, but – but how could he … ?
the sound of the shopkeeper finally filtered back in – he was angry about something, his voice raised. mary didn’t care. she lifted a hand in an listless, dismissive wave, her gaze remaining firmly on the man in front of her. slowly, with a calm she did not have, she drew her wand and pointed it deliberately at the man’s chest. an empty threat, to be sure – after thirteen years of living as a muggle, mary was painfully rusty when it came to wandwork, and honestly, if it came down to it, she wasn’t sure she could curse james potter – no, someone that looked so much like james potter. because it couldn’t be. it was polyjuice. how could it be anything else ? but she vaguely remembered learning that polyjuice couldn’t be used to impersonate the deceased – and if this truly was the effects of the polyjuice potion, a little voice inside of her pointed out, shouldn’t he look twenty one ? the age he was when he …
the shopkeeper was properly angry now, yelling at them to get out of his store. they were creating a scene. people were staring. she licked her lips, her wand hand trembling. she couldn’t think coherently. tears were pricking the corner of her eyes, hot and fast, threatening to spill over her cheeks, and her heart was hoping and hurting, hoping because it was impossible not to, hurting because it was impossible not to. ❛ — james, ❜ mary said, and her voice cracked. she tried again. ❛ — if it’s not actually you, i’m going to KILL you all over again. ❜
JAMES.
HE COULDN’T FEEL HIS HEART BEAT ANYMORE . he was sure that it had stopped . everything about this ━━━ the shop and the people and the tea leaves that now scattered the floor ━━━ was wrong . this wasn’t how it was supposed to go . mary macdonald , one of his closest friends and confidants for years ( even before hogwarts ) was not supposed to stumble upon him in a shop nine years after he had died to find out it had all been a lie . this was wrong , it was all so wrong , and he now felt suspended in the moment after he had spoken , taking away any chance of claiming she had the wrong guy .
EVERYTHING AROUND THEM NO LONGER MATTERED . the shopkeeper screaming at them to get out of his store , the customers yelling obscenities at them to get out of the way ━━━ all of it slipped away . all that james could focus on was the woman in front of him and the wand she had pointed at his chest , right where his heart should’ve been beating . what could he possibly say that wouldn’t make either of them sound utterly crazy ? what could he possibly to do explain away the mess of the situation he had gotten himself into ? this was all so , so wrong and james was now so , so afraid .
SLOWLY MOVING HIS SHAKING HAND , james reached for the wand now pressed against his skin , delicately pushing it down until it was facing the ground . after nine years away from the wizarding world , he wasn’t too sure he had what it took to go up against anyone with his magic , even a woman as frightened and confused as mary was now . tongue darting out to moisten his bone dry lips , james took a step back , slow and uncertain , reaching down for all that he had dropped all the while maintaining eye contact with his old friend . ❛ mary , ❜ he whispered , so that only she might hear him as he knelt down in front of her . ❛ i think we should talk . . . outside . ❜

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— heroes are only heroes until it takes its toll // p.s.
MARY.
there was a queue behind mary macdonald, and she was well aware of it. she tried to filter out the sound of grumbles and tapping feet, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear as she fumbled in her coin purse. stupid wizarding coins. she’d forgot how much of a hassle they were. mary thought with longing of her credit card, and how straightforward and easy and light it was. she finally just tipped the contents of the purse into her cupped palm, ignoring a peeved cough from someone behind her as she sorted through the mess of gold, silver and bronze coins in her hand. her heart sank. just as she’d feared — she was short a couple galleons. she was still for a few seconds, trying to will herself into nothingness. it didn’t work. instead, she looked up at the shopkeeper again, giving him a charming, abashed smile.
❛ — SO, it looks like i’m a tiny bit short, ❜ mary began, keeping her voice low. already his face was changing into an expression of displeasure, and she hurried to continue, forcing her smile to stay bright and unwavering. ❛ — do you accept muggle money, by any chance ? ❜ the shopkeeper’s face had now surpassed displeasure and was well on its way to downright anger. she fished out a few bills from her pocket, hating herself and everything else in the world at that moment. ❛ — you can exchange it at gringotts, just down the street. and don’t worry about change, this is actually MORE than it costs, so you’d actually be – ❜ just then, someone tapped her shoulder, and she whirled, smile now bright and sharp enough to draw blood. ❛ — can i HELP you ? ❜
JAMES.
HE’D RUN OUT OF POLYJUICE POTION A WHILE AGO . there was a new batch to be ready next week now boiling away in sybill’s apartment , but there had been no real need to leave ━━━ until now . they were out of tea . a level five emergency in the story of james & sybill’s life . without tea , how could sybill possibly read his leaves ? without tea , how could james possibly pretend to understand what sybill meant when she said his leaves showed ‘ the grim ’ ? and besides , this was not just any tea . this was an incredibly special tea to both sybill and her house guest . and now james had finished it before sybill had even gotten home . they needed tea . and he needed to get out .
HIS DISGUISE WAS DISMAL , at best . a black cap pulled low over his eyes . a black hoodie tugged over his thinning frame . it was just down the road , after all . what could possibly go wrong ?
IN HIS DEFENCE , he made it through the whole shop without getting recognised . a few items thrown in a basket and his eyes glued to the floor as he joined the queue , waiting behind a petite woman who would surely be quick . but mary macdonald had other plans . as james listened to the woman fumble with her coins , his foot began to tap impatiently on the tiled floor . he needed to get out , and she was not helping at all . after a few moments , his only solution was to give her the few galleons she needed , tugging them out of his pocket and tapping politely on her shoulder to hold them out for her ━━━ besides , what were the chances this woman would be someone he knew ? the moment she turned around , james felt bile rise in his throat . it had been ten years , but he would recognise that face anywhere ━━━ after all , she’d been like a sister to him . dropping the coins from his shaking hands , he couldn’t stop himself from looking up , mouth agape as he tried to formulate an excuse , anything that wasn’t ‘ hey , by the way , i’m alive ’ . ❛ uh ━━━ hey mars . ❜ FUCK . she was surely going to recognise him now . . .
❛ YOU ━━━ LIED . ❜
his voice was shaking , hovering over each and every word , struggling to even voice his racing thoughts . his equally shaky hands balled into fists , gaze glued to the floor as albus dumbledore crossed one hand over the other and waited patiently for the rest of what this broken man had to say .
I feel unspeakably lonely. And I feel - drained. It is a blank state of mind and soul I cannot describe to you as I think it would not make any difference. Also it is a very private feeling I have - that of melting into a perpetual nervous breakdown. I am often questioning myself what I further want to do, who I further wish to be; which parts of me, exactly, are still functioning properly. No answers, darling. At all.
Anne Sexton, A Self-Portrait In Letters (via rlyrlyugly)
- Nikita Gill

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⟡⌜⇴ BOB MORLEY ⌠ 31 & he/him ⌡: have you seen JAMES POTTER ? HE is a BARTENDER who’s apparently also A MEMBER OF THE ORDER. When you see them walking around, be careful, because while they can be CHARMING and INCISIVE, I heard they can also be pretty DEPENDENT and INEXORABLE.
links: stats, pinterest, childhood / hogwarts character inspo: bellamy blake ( the 100 ), shane madej ( buzzfeed unsolved ), jake peralta ( brooklyn nine-nine ), stefan salvatore ( the vampire diaries ), scott mccall ( teen wolf ), steve harrington ( stranger things )
tag dump !