Mythiics

TO CHILDREN

“ did you finish your homework? “

“ hey, i want you to know you can talk to me about anything. okay? anything. “

“ what, you think i was never your age? i know what you young’uns do! “

“ hey. finish your vegetables, or no dessert. “

“ what did your teacher say about your essay/project? “

“ hey, kiddo! how was school today! “

“ god, you’re growing so fast. you’ll barely fit in the house next week! “

“ you want me to teach you how to do this yourself? “

“ your room is growing some undiscovered bacteria, kid. maybe you could clean it up after dinner? “

“ your grades came in today! way to go! what toppings do you want on your pizza, huh? “

“ baby, did something happen in school today? “

“ that’s it. you’re grounded. don’t even bother arguing, you’re grounded for a week. “

ABOUT CHILDREN

“ they’re my greatest joy, but holy shit i miss sleep-ins. “

“ there’s nothing i wouldn’t do for my kid/s! “

“ they drew this picture of the family last week, and i swear to god, i look exactly like a potato. “

“ i made a casserole for a pot-luck last week and it turned out my little cherub poured an entire container of salt into it when i wasn’t looking. “

“ their highest attendance rate was in detention. “

“ i know they’re at that age, but… i miss the days where my kids would actually talk to me. “

“ they brought me a bunch of flowers yesterday, and they turned out to be from the neighbors’ back lawn. “

“ it’s tough being a single parent, but they make it so worth it! “

“ hey! your kid is bullying my kid, what’s that about?! “

“ would you mind babysitting tonight? i have a date and i can’t change it! “

“He lies…”

“You wanna go back?“

“No, you idiot, save me!”

“You think this is funny?”

“I like that. No hesitation.“

“Try it… and I will kill him.“

“But, it would be enjoyable.“

“Nah… I don’t like this spot.“

“That will not be necessary.“

“What the hell did you just say?“

“You intend to kill him, regardless.”

“Now are you going to help or not?”

“Right! I forgot to say, I told you so!“

“That is why we’ve come all this way.“

“Please shoot the people chasing us!“

“Everything I can think of, I’ve told you.“

“That really depends on who you ask…”

“Seriously, who would make this shit up?“

“Oh my God, we thought you were dead!“

“I’m sure something can be arranged soon.“

“There is a god standing here with wet hands!“

“We’ll just blast them to the brink of extinction.“

“What have you to say to your new sovereign?“

“Get rid of the last bad guy, then there’s… cake.“

“You’re never going to tell me what it is, are you?“

“May your reign last days, and your death, years.“

“The temperature’s falling. We just passed minus forty.“

“I know what you’re thinking… you’re thinking I’m insane.”

“Hey, have you ever tried to find a bathroom in a pyramid?“

“If we’re gonna freeze to death, here is as good a spot as any.”

“Oh my God for the umpteenth time, I want to talk to somebody else.“

“Come on, what’s the point? There’s no one around for hundreds of…”

“I am agitated because this is not the way things are supposed to be!“

“What further instructions could there be, besides ‘kiss your ass goodbye’?“

“I know what just happened back there, but we need you in the here and now.“

“Never, in the history of boredom, has anyone been as bored as I am, right now.“

“That’s actually rather good, isn’t it? Did you plan to say that when you walked in?“

“There it is, my friends. This little world in the middle of nowhere, lost and forgotten… until now.“

“I’ve been trying to tell you that Earth is in serious danger and you don’t seem to give a rat’s ass!”

“I take it that, in your timeline, you’re not a discredited wackjob living on the fringes of society?”

“My goodness, people, the arrogance of what you’re asking us to help you do is mind-boggling!“

“Because it is funny! And you need to learn that things can be both funny and serious at the same time!”

“I wanted to be heroic…”

“Even the water’s spicy!“

“I want to see your book.”

“Please, that is disgusting.”

“I have enemies everywhere.“

“Look man, I have been shot!“

“There’s no way I’m saying that.“

“I’m out of here. I’m calling a cab.“

“The thing is this: I am a psychic.“

“You believe in karma, don’t you?“

“Have you ever seen this vandal?“

“No, wait, I’m really quite shocked.”

“I’ve got to get my hands on a gun.”

“Okay, that stings. It’s true, though.“

“I called my folks to tell them I was okay.“

“Did you bring a date to the crime scene?“

“That’s what you use to solve every case!“

“Oh, he’s dead, let’s go kill somebody else.”

“Note to self: Get one of those for the office.“

“I’m just saying, technology is way overrated.“

“How many men would you say you’ve killed?“

“If you think I’m sick, you ain’t seen nothing, yet.“

“I don’t know if you made that any less offensive.“

“I think I broke my back, and my neck, and my arm.“

“You wouldn’t understand; you’ve never killed a man.“

“Not today, kid; your survival training begins right now.“

“Did you really think it wouldn’t set off the metal detector?“

“I’m sorry, but was this chicken seasoned with molten lava?“

“That is an anti-tank weapon, and you’re pointing it at yourself.“

“I can’t reach my back pocket. You’ll have to punch me in the ass.“

“I don’t lose things. I place things in locations which later elude me.“

“And I hope that plan doesn’t end up with us being eaten by a bear.“

“Just yesterday you told me you intend on having your wedding in space.“

“Is there another type of idiocy that you would be more comfortable with?“

“Are my eyes seeing what my brain is telling my eyes that they’re seeing?”

“What are you saying? That he has a hunch based on unverifiable information?“

“I’m not saying I’m sure it’s going to be you, but right now, you’re the top of the list.“

“Yeah, but you’ve never pretend killed one. Repeatedly. I struggle with it every time.“

“How do you not have a black suit? What kind of grown man doesn’t own a black suit?“

“I been trying to call your cell phone! It keeps going to voice mail! I’ve been worried to death!”

“This whole time I’m thinking, This guy is Thomas Crown. You’re barely Remington Steele.“

“Good luck with the Creepy Arm Grab Awards this year; I think you have a real shot at winning.”

“But know this: one stupid move, and I’ve got more than enough plastic bags for your body parts.”

“Wood thieves. My first instinct is beavers, but I’m not willing to rule out those pesky Keebler elves.”

“Please. I haven’t snuck into your apartment in weeks. Which reminds me, you’re all out of peanut butter.“

“That’s a little vague…”

“Well, so much for my dramatic exit.”

“I don’t understand their humor, either.”

“I would gladly give it up to be human.”

“If I could see, I’d be seeing stars now.”

“Interesting move. What technique was that?”

“You’re going to be an interesting companion.”

“You haven’t given me a good enough reason.”

“Our lives just became a lot more complicated.”

“Surely you don’t see your species like that, do you?”

“It’s a jumble. How can you make heads or tails of it?”

“When has justice ever been as simple as a rule book?”

“Why do you mock me? Why do you wish to anger me?”

“You can’t rescue a man from the place he calls his home.”

“If we’re going to be damned, let’s be damned for what we really are.”

“I was about to say ‘quite easily’ but there was nothing easy about it.”

“It’s just not the same. Have you ever gone for a real moonlight swim?”

Send one for your muse to…

★ - drag my muse by the arm ⁂ - grab my muse by the front of their shirt, possibly shoving them back ✱ - take my muse by the hips to carefully move them out of their way ➜ - smack my muse upside the head ⌧ - grip my muse by the back of the neck © - put a hand on my muse’s back to steer them somewhere ✂ - point sternly at a chair and tell my muse to sit down ✉ - push my muse back down when they try to get out of bed (perhaps involving illness, injury, or sleep deprivation) ☛ - press a finger to my muse’s lips to shut them up ♚ - put a hand on my muse’s knee while sitting next to them, to discourage them from standing up ♧ - slap my muse’s hand away from something they shouldn’t touch ♦ - grab my muse’s hair and yank ♤ - slam a door shut before my muse can leave the room ♞ - physically pick my muse up and carry them ♭ - grip my muse’s jaw to make them look yours in the eye ♨ - rub my muse down with a sponge/wet cloth  ☀ - pin my muse with their arms behind their back ☠ - slam my muse into a wall ☾ - wrestle/pin my muse to the ground

for a lovely nonnie who i wish all the best to with their writing career!

" i've never had a family before. not like this. it's... nice. "

" jesus, don't do that to me ever again! i thought you were dead! "

" blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb. that's how the saying goes, you know. not the other way around. next time someone spouts that shit, you correct them. "

" what did that asshole do to you?! stay here, i'll go kick his ass! "

" next time they go after you, you've got my whole hearted permission to punch them in the teeth. "

[ to someone else ] " hey! HEY! that's my kid in there, you hear me?! you wanna go after them, you go through ME first! "

" i love you all... you dumbasses. "

" i'm going to protect you. not because you're blood or i need to, but because you're my family, and i got your back no matter what. "

" who hurt you? huh? hey, you want me to go kick their asses? "

" my parents were never any good at caring for me. i'm... i'm really happy you're here instead of them. "

" i'm putting you down as my emergency contact and next of kin. okay? "

" in my will, you're my dependent. if something happens to me, this bit of paper says you get everything. alright? "

" you're my family. i take care of my family! "

[ said to a threat ] " HEY! YOU WANNA HURT THEM, YOU GO THROUGH ME FIRST! "

trigger warning for murder.

❛  how ironic, our paths cross again! so near and yet so far.  ❜

❛  fear not, we’ll meet again, i assure you…  ❜

❛  you’re making a mistake. this man’s a murderer.  ❜

❛  you fail to grasp the basic rules governing this world.  ❜

❛  you’re a genetically modified killer with no place in modern society.  ❜

❛  but we’ll tend to that problem next time. farewell.  ❜

❛  death, the final judgment.  ❜

❛  the beast has met its end once. it doesn’t fear death, it is death.  ❜

❛  how will you defeat human villainy? you who died and still walk amongst the living?  ❜

❛  not enough food, nowhere to sit, and nothing but small talk.  ❜

❛  i’m a relic, someone from the past, so i’m rather attached to the old customs.  ❜

❛  i’ve the good of the kingdom at heart.  ❜

❛  let me tell you, friend — a serious slashfest is in the works, one without pardon.  ❜

❛  the defeated will be picked apart by crows.  ❜

❛  you’ll be forced to fight for a new order, comrade — or against it.  ❜

❛  we will fight for our traditions and customs, for our land and our women.  ❜

❛  i wouldn’t deceive you — i think you’re one of us, it’s a cause we share.  ❜

❛  i don’t know the enemy yet, but i will soon, and when i do…  ❜

❛  the time of the sword and axe will come, blood will flow in the streets.  ❜

❛  know this, comrade, there will be no room for your neutrality.  ❜

❛  you traveled a long path, fraught with danger.  ❜

❛  you demonstrated courage and goodness.  ❜

❛  face your enemies without fear. safeguard the helpless.  ❜

❛  never lie, even if it means your death. that is your oath.  ❜

❛  destiny will give you no rest. a long road lies ahead.  ❜

❛  i see death and blood. i see frosty chaos.  ❜

❛  take this sword as a sign of my favour.  ❜

❛  go, and do what must be done.  ❜

❛  look into my eyes, and you will see your death.  ❜

❛  you’ve delivered death too often. retribution awaits.  ❜

❛  i was wrong about you. you’re a blind, rabid dog biting anything that moves.  ❜

❛  someone needs to finish you off.  ❜

❛  chaos followed in your wake.  ❜

❛  every one of your decisions brought further devastation.  ❜

❛  does your neutrality not taste bitter?  ❜

❛  wherever you walk, death and chaos follow.  ❜

❛  you dare to oppose me. i sense your weakness, as your life seeps from your wounds.  ❜

❛  with every drop, death draws nearer.  ❜