one day we wake up and nobody can tell the truth.
i tell the coffee clerk that she made it perfect, she says “i hope you have a nice day.” i think of you and sneak two more sugars into my drink when no one is looking. i go to work and i tell my boss i’m late because traffic was crazy, he says, “I care about what you go through.” i think about the smell you leave on my pillow. the person in the cubicle next to me asks “did you see the news?” and i say, “yes,” and then when he’s not looking, i google it. across the headlines, panic is spreading. nobody can speak anything but lies at the moment, but at least text is working so we can be sure of the numbers, god bless the economy. i send you the link, and one about cats. i hope where ever you are, i made you laugh.
at lunch when the intern asks me what i want, i say, “a salad” instead of “a twelve-inch sub.” he later asks me how my meal is, i say, “good enough!” he says, “you really are looking thinner these days,” i say, “that’s very kind of you.” he says, “did you see the news?” and i say “no.” i think of the way your hair looks in the sun. i think of your body beside me while we sleep. i think about how you’ve been distant lately, how i’ve been doing everything in my power to keep you with me. i’d destroy myself for you.
during the last meeting of the day, a woman leans over and says, “you did a good job on this presentation,” my boss says, “get ready for a big promotion” and the intern kid says, “really, you look thinner by the instant.” i think of you so i do not lose it.
later i show someone else the present i ordered for you off of amazon, she says, “it’s lovely,” i cancel the order. i’ll buy you something better. on the walk home someone shouts out, “you look nice today!” and my heart crumbles. and i think of you, of what i will say, of how i could phrase things exactly the right way, how the lie will sound when it comes out of my mouth.
when i get home, hands shaking, heart pounding, i call you. i say, “i hate you,” because it is the furthest thing from the truth. every bone in my body knows it, too.
after a long time, you reply, “oh honey,” deep breath, “I love you.”
