James Dubin

Of course I’ll hurt you. Of course you’ll hurt me. Of course we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence.

She almost physically jumped as he cussed, is voice louder than she could ever remember hearing it and angrier too. Her face no doubt revealed the sheer shock of his reaction but her surprise at his outburst quickly turned into one of anger. Her brow pulled down tight as she listened to him make excuse after excuse. Like he hadn’t brought something out in her that had terrified her, like he hadn’t revealed a side to her she thought was long lost, or long thought buried. He hadn’t been the only one dealing with a new wave of emotions, but she hadn’t run. But he was also right about her lack of feelings being bullshit, and she knew he was and he knew it too. Those kind of feelings don’t just disappear, they don’t go away that easy, especially not when you’re carrying a reminder around with you everyday. He drew in a breath and she prepared herself to throw an onslaught at him too, but before she could even start he continued. 

He'd never really had anyone lay it out so plainly for hm before. Of course he wasn't stupid, he knew exactly what it was, but seeing it all over her face drove it home. He couldn't be that scared little boy anymore. Especially not now. And though she'd obviously had a strong change of circumstance, she had backed down considerably. At least it seemed that way to him and James wasn't about to let that go. Maybe it was a lapse in judgement but it was there none the less and he wanted oh so very badly to take her up on it.

He could feel himself wanting to twitch. All he wanted was to shake her and tell her to stop this. There was more that happened than he could explain. And against his better judgement, James launched himself down a road of complete and utter uncertainty but he couldn't walk out of here today without saying and doing everything in his power to show her what he'd done wasn't meant to hurt her.

She tried to stop her face from softening as he spoke, she hadn’t realized just how much she had missed the gruff almost damaged tone of his voice, the way his ‘r’s sometimes growled, the controlled way he tried to hide any and all emotion from the words, and the way he failed so miserably at it. She tried not to watch his lips as they formed the words, because hell she’d almost forgotten how distracting they were, staring instead the little crease that formed between his eyebrows as he spoke. She focused on his words, or at least tried to, and held back an eye roll of epic proportions. Eventually she looked away from his face altogether with a small shake of her head, not because she disagreed with what he was saying; no - he was a son of a bitch, and he didn’t deserve her forgiveness, and thinking he could stroll back in a fix everything just like that was a stupid idea; but because she wasn’t sure she could listen to him apologise anymore. She let the silence drag out a little longer, let him suffer just a moment longer. “You’re not exactly appealing to my better nature…” She somewhat lied, as she brought her hard gaze back to his. “Not that I have one.” She added, her voice was still harsh though it took most of her concentration not to let it soften. She hadn’t failed to notice the way he’d wiped his face as he finished, and she wasn’t blind, she could see the regret in his eyes and every line on his face was almost pleading with her. He had no excuses, and he wasn’t making any, but he wasn’t exactly spilling the beans about his reasons either. Maybe she didn’t want to know why he’d left, maybe the truth would hurt more than not knowing, maybe knowing why would make it impossible to forgive him; not that she was considering forgiving him right now either. But he himself had brought up a good point, he wasn’t the first that had promised her more than he was ready - or willing - to give, and she wasn’t sure forgiveness would be enough. “I don’t know where you went, and at this point I’m not sure I even care, but you left. Without a word, you left and you left me when I needed you, when I’d opened up to you and admitted the one thing that scared me the most.” There was a slight quiver at the back of her throat, but she swallowed it down before it could take over any of her words. “You were right, I did give you a chance but I also took a chance and clearly it didn’t pay off. You can beat the hell out of yourself if you want, you could get down on your knees and beg but it’s never going to change that you just left. Gods, I want to forgive you….” She said before she could stop herself, running a hand over her brow in frustration mostly at herself, but also at him. “I want to forgive you but I also want to throw this fucking stapler at your head.” She waved her hand wildly in the general direction of the heavy office stapler on the desk beside her, and half of her was tempted to do it.

The way he was bumbling about was surely enough reason for her to throw in the towel and walk away from him. He was a coward and looking at her now he knew that better than he thought he'd ever admit to. All he wanted was to take back the last few months, be the person he promised her he'd be but no matter how he looked at it or wished it away there was no going back. He was certain she was serious about the stapler and he couldn't say that he blamed her. 

          Elysa threw an unimpressed, you’re an asshole, smile his way before turning on her heels and heading back through the door she had just come through. “Follow me then.” The office was probably the more private place for them to talk that didn’t require them leaving the coffee shop and walking around the block, her swollen ankles couldn’t handle that. She wasn’t going to hit him, though she probably had enough reason to, but she wasn’t about to let him think he wasn’t in danger either. He deserved to sweat, he deserved to wear the guilty expression that currently pained his face for a little longer. Who know’s maybe he’d actually give her reason to hit him; she probably wouldn’t pass up the opportunity.          She waited for him to follow, and lead him int the office - her office for all point and reason. Walking towards the desk she turned and leant against it, taking her weight off her feet. She crossed her arms over her stomach again and just watched him for a second, waiting for the string of excuses to start. “I’m looking forward to this, I was just hoping for some good entertainment today, so go ahead - lets hear the bullshit lies and excuses. I’m listening.”

The walls felt as though they'd begun to leech every bit of air left in the small cafe. He knew he had no right to feel offended at her coldness but how could he blame her? It was truly selfish and no amount of trying to explain it away was going to make her any less sharp towards him. James followed closely behind and stepped into the small room, closing the door just as she tore into him. Harsh and bitter those words felt and tasted as he absorbed and digested them. Where was he even to start? All her body language indicated he wasn't going to be making much headway just standing there.

           His eyes fell upon her stomach before they even reached her face, and she rolled her eyes even though she was used to that reaction now. Everyone that knew her or had known her in the past had the very same look on their face whenever they bumped into her, sheer shock. It was still infuriating, the little O face they made before quickly arranging their features into one of excitement. He was no different, he looked like a fish out of water, gasping for air for a moment before he closed his mouth and composed himself. She waited, feeling the eyes of the server at the counter flicking between the two of them like she was watching a very intense game of tennis.             She eyed him for a moment, taking in the awkward way he held himself and the hushed tones of his voice as if he were trying to share a whisper with her across the room. She considered for a moment simply telling him no, telling him to leave - but in a less polite manner - but there was a part of her that wanted to hear what he had to say for himself, even if she were to kick him out afterwards. “Alright - did you want to grab a table or would this be better taken somewhere else?” 

The knot he thought he had earlier was nothing compared to what it was now. If he had to compare it, he'd say it was about the size of Elysa's stomach at that very moment. His hands stuffed into his pockets as he'd always done when he wasn't entirely sure of himself. He wanted to say she looked great, which she truly did, but judging my the slight nip on her face he decided against it in favor of actually getting to speak with her past this point. "Well either is okay with me." He spoke right off the cuff. The more he thought though the easier it was to see that was probably not the right answer. "Err .... well where ever is comfortable for you I should say." 

             Being pregnant had it’s perks like everyone had promised, people waited on her hand and foot, she was always offered a seat on the subway and she particularly enjoyed the healthy glow - especially considering she hadn’t been certain had actually existed in reality. But much like everything, being pregnant also had it’s downsides. If the backache, and the swollen ankles wasn’t enough, the morning sickness had only subsided a few weeks ago and her social life had plummeted into the pits of despair now she couldn’t drink. Oh and then there was the constant need to pee. Oh Gods, she felt like her normal sized bladder had been replaced with one that was closer to the size of a pea, and she wasn’t enjoying the frequent trips to the loo.               She had just ducked out back to the toilet for like the 5th time since her shift started and was waddling back through to the front. She swung the door open nonchalantly, not expecting anything much to have changed since she left - the rush wasn’t expected for another hour and the Brew had been relatively quiet for most the day - and she certainly wasn’t expecting to see him standing at the counter, looking down at the wood work with a rather sheepish look on his face. She’d just caught the end of his questions, and as the door swung closed behind her she crossed her arms over her belly, “Yeah she still works here.” 

He'd know that voice anywhere and part of him wanted to cower back and ooze back out the door he'd come from. But it was too late. He'd already made it there and she was standing within a close enough distance she'd probably tackle him amongst other things. Slowly James turned up to look towards where the voice was coming from though he wasn't quite expecting what he was no staring directly at. Her stomach.