Green River

Nikki did not stop her eyes from rolling at the mention of their mother. Susan. Girls are supposed to love and cherish and look up to their mothers. Daughters and mothers are supposed to be able to talk to each other and hang out together. Nikki and Susan did not have that kind of relationship. She couldn’t remember the last time she looked at her mother with anything other than disdain. “Susan doesn’t know anything about my schedule or what the hell I do. Don’t take her word when it comes to me.”

His next question had her freezing up. She wasn’t expecting a direct question from him regarding her sobriety. A small part of her mind screamed at her to deny, deny, deny. The larger, drug filled part of her mind smirked because it saw it’s way out of this conversation. She knew Duncan better than almost anyone. He didn’t like hurting people. Especially not her, his baby sister. Nikki would be out the door in 30 seconds flat and all it would take is three easy steps:

1.) Act offended.

2.) Act hurt.

3.) Storm off.

“Excuse me?” She asked incredulously, her head rearing back in shock. “Why would you ask me that? Are you fucking joking? You leave and now you come back just to judge me?” She sniffed, trying her hardest to make her eyes well up. They did but only slightly. One of her hands went into her pocket where the money was, gripping it in her hand. Time to leave. “Wow. You’re a real asshole, D. I hope your next visit goes better.” She moved to storm past him and out the door, she could practically taste freedom and her next hit.

You leave and now you come back just to judge me?

She knew where to hit him the deepest. Her words uncovered a deep old scarred wound, now ripped raw and bleeding. Hearing her talk made him feel like he was a kid again. With his mother coming down from her high and shouting God knows what kind of disappointments and problems she had with him at six years old. Duncan felt like he was back in his childhood role, the literal punching bag. Just someone who existed for people to put their faults on, their anger, and their baggage. He felt disposable when he was younger, as if he didn’t really have a purpose other than to carry the weight of others pain along with his own. For years he didn’t acknowledge this feeling, however it wasn’t like he was taught to. Early on he was taught that there was no real use for tears. That life was made to suck and that he should just deal with it. So, Duncan acted out, taking what he thought the world and everyone else owed him. There were no other emotions he was allowed to feel but explosive and uncontrolled anger. So the minute he felt defenseless from Nikki’s words, he put on his invisible thick outer shell that he built up all those years so he wouldn’t get hurt again. Immediately, his mind shifted into gear and subconsciously went by the motto he went by over the years: 

As soon as he released her from the hug, her eyes strayed from his. Though she had mastered the art of lying over the years, she hadn’t had many opportunities to test her skills out on Duncan. He is the one person who can read her like a book and she didn’t need that right now. “I’m fine. I’m great. I was just on my way out. If I knew you were coming, I would have been better prepared for you. I need to go uh, meet a friend of mine.” Her body was practically vibrating with energy and she couldn’t fidgeting. She was rocking back and forth on the balls of her feet, eager to make a break for it but knowing that he would only chase her. 

“I’m fine. Just honestly need to be somewhere other than here right now.” The cash felt like a weight in her pocket. Her hands started shaking again so she tightly grasped them together. She felt off balance and her anxiety was through the roof. “What are you even doing here?” She snapped, before she could stop herself. He was in the way and she needed him to go away.

"Uhh...Susan told me that you didn’t have anything to do today, so I figured we’d go out to lunch...” Her anxiousness was familiar. That, the fidgeting, and the shaking he had seen all to well in their own mother. Specifically, when she was out of drugs or trying to get clean. Duncan sent up a quick prayer in his head. He’d hoped and prayed for the two of them to never fall into their parent’s path. There was no way she could be on drugs. Nikki knew better, he raised her better. Duncan did everything right, didn’t he? He put her in after school activities, tried to get her what she wanted on her birthday, and even though Disneyworld was too far away and too expensive, he did the next best thing and took her to six flags. Sure, addiction was hereditary, but he wasn’t addicted to anything, and they both knew that they’d be better off not touching the stuff. There was no way she could be on anything.

Then she snapped.

He had to ask her. It was the only way he’d know. Her behavior and her sudden outburst all but confirmed it for him. He just needed her to tell him no and that somehow he’d gotten things mixed up. The last thing he had ever wanted was an addict’s life for her, and here she was, continuing the cycle. “Nikki I need you to be honest with me.” He pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a sigh. “Are you using?”

“Where the hell is it?” The entire bedroom was in an upheaval. Clothes and shoes were thrown everywhere. The mattress was off the frame and dresser drawers were hanging practically off the hinges. Nikki felt like hell and she knew if she could just find the coke she believed she stashed in the house that she would feel better. Her hands shook as she ran them through her hair to try and tame it. She knew she looked a mess. If the coke wasn’t in her room, then she needed to go get some. Did she have any money? Nope. But Susan did and that’s all she needed to know.

It wasn’t her dream to be a twenty-five year old living with her mother, but here she was. Nikki was unable to keep her own apartment because she could never keep up with her bills. The money she’d try to save for bills always got spent on something else, something more important. The coke…it was almost an indescribable feeling. It was happiness. It was relief. It was euphoria. Nothing in her life had ever or could ever make her feel better. When she didn’t have it, she was paranoid and irritable like she was in this very moment.

As she exited her room, she hurried down the hall toward her mother’s room which was on the opposite side of the hallway. Nikki searched through the nightstand because she knew Susan usually kept cash in there for emergencies. She took a hundred dollars out and grinned in satisfaction. She walked back out of the room and through the hallway into the living room, about to make her way out of the apartment when she saw her brother. Her brother who hadn’t lived there in years. Her brother who wasn’t supposed to be there now.

“H-hey. I didn’t hear the door open or even know you were in town.” She quickly put the money in her pocket and tried to gave him her signature smile. She really didn’t feel like partaking in any pleasantries. She needed to score but in front of her stood a literal barrier. “What are you doing here? Not that it’s not good to see you. Susa-I mean, Mom didn’t mention you visiting.” She went to hug him, going right back into ‘sweet little sister’ mode. Her goal was to keep the conversation short and to get out as soon as possible.

@ofduncans

One thing that Duncan thought would never last was his mother’s sobriety. Susan had gone on and off the wagon plenty of times in her life, and if he really thought about it, she probably did so long before he was even born. However, this time she seemed to be clean for good. A whole year. She’d changed from the bitter selfish woman he’d grown up with to someone he didn’t really recognize before. Even though he was reluctant to trust her, he decided to go ahead and begin helping her out. Duncan had moved his mother from the house that they had grown up in to a decent two-story in a better area. Now that she was sober and living in a place that didn’t hold painful memories, Duncan began visiting her more. Seeing his mother now meant that he got to see his sister, Nikki. They hadn’t had the best relationship since he moved away, however Duncan hoped to patch things over by taking her out to lunch. 

As he arrived at his mother’s place, Duncan used his key and headed inside, immediately locking eyes with his little sister as he stood in the doorway. Immediately, the hairs on the back of his head stood up when he took in her appearance. She looked frantic almost, as if she’d been in a frenzy just minutes before. He meets her hug halfway and gets a closer look at her for a moment before releasing her. “Uh, you okay?” He asks with a dry chuckle. “You know, if this isn’t a good time I can come back and get you later...” What was going on? A break up? A tough day at work? Was she depressed? He hoped she wasn’t, it would kill him to know that she was going through something like that, especially by herself. “You okay, sis?”