guardian angel {hiatus}

I wasn’t there and wasn’t even anywhere near downtown, but knowing that such a massive tragedy has taken place in my hometown has shaken me to the core. I was spending the weekend with friends, but waking up this morning and hearing the news just….. I’ve been on the verge of crying all day. as a person, a member of the LGBT+ community, and the Orlando community, I haven’t felt this upset in a long, long time.

on the way to the beach today, the radio stations weren’t playing music like usual. it was all news, people mourning, people crying and speaking out. flags are being flown at half mast. one of my mother’s coworkers was at the club last night, and he’s gone missing. nobody knows if he’s dead or alive. his boyfriend died in surgery. EDIT: mom just found out he was killed at the club.

there’s just…. it’s too much. I’m safe and at home, but I can’t describe everything I’m feeling right now. I just wanted to make sure everyone knew I was alright. I’ll be going to the vigil on thursday. but for now, I’m just going to try to get through this.

I’m sure this isn’t particularly NEWS to most of ya’ll with how inactive I’ve been around here lately, but I think it’s time for me to officially put this blog (and all it’s corresponding side blogs) on hiatus.

I’d never in a million years think of deleting honestly; that’s the farthest thing from my mind. but my inspiration to write in general has been dim lately. and, for whatever reason, it’s REALLY dim when it comes to sw.

I think now that I don’t have school to worry about I’m just kinda of… floating and existing honestly. which is nice? but since I don’t have any particular STRUCTURE to my days anymore getting myself to do anything productive is still as hard as ever. so to help get myself back into some sort of routine I’m looking for a job. so far I’ve had no luck, but I’m sure I’ll find something eventually with how many places near home are hiring.

regardless though, with my lack of both structure and inspiration, rping just isn’t working out for me as well as it used to. I’m still gonna be active on my personal blog, queenbeelenalee, and at least semi-active on my nathan blog, unprcfessicnal, so you’ll still see me around there! but for now I need to step back and not worry about all my other blogs for my own sake, cause it’s really just causing me anxiety.

so until I feel like I can pick them back up again, this blog, lasanguarded, seventhsisterr, and damagcdgccds are all officially on HIATUS.

“I missed a step when I was walking up the stairs.” Honestly, it was a miracle she hadn’t fallen down the entire FLIGHT of stairs. Lena was thankful it was Johnny that noticed the scrape and not Komui; he always made such a big fuss over little things like that.

She had said what everyone else had been thinking: Allen Walker was the last person everyone thought would die. He was doomed to die an early death, but Lavi had thought he would defy every expectation. He would beat the Noah inside him, live through the war and well beyond… Find someone to love, get married…

He knew, just by looking at him, that Allen would’ve loved a family, would’ve loved the opportunity to be a father.

He would’ve been a great dad.

It was that thought that made the first tear drip down his cheek. And Lenalee just kept fucking talking, tearing at his insides because she said what he was too weak to put into words. He wanted the same—hoped for it, prayed like hell to a god he didn’t believe in for it. But there would be no answer. In the back of his mind, he knew it was useless, but it didn’t hold back his want—need—to cry and beg and plead for whatever higher power there was to take pity on a kid that had never spared a thought for himself.

She’s right, was his only thought. Miranda, Timothy… Anyone but Allen. Anyone else and he could live with it. And Lavi couldn’t decide what emotion was the strongest: The grief he felt for losing Allen or the anger that he’d been the one to die.

And she met his gaze then, her own face streaked with tears and he felt his own face twist up with the pain he was trying and failing to hold back. He was sure he looked pathetic, but that thought was long gone the moment he thought it.

Lenalee struggled to find that answer even when she wasn’t grieving. Her fellow Exorcists were being killed off left and right; how long until she was next? How much longer until Lavi was gone, too? If the Exorcists were wiped out, the Order would be CRIPPLED beyond repair. They would be incapable of even putting up a lasting defense.

If they were killed, everything they fought for, everyone they protected-- it would all be lost. Komui and Jerry, Johnny and Cash and Reever.... none of them would be spared.

(we’ve already lost so much, so many are dead, we can’t go on like this forever we just CAN’T)

Crying was the only thing she felt she could do. If Lenalee didn’t cry now, she feared what might be left of her. She hugged her knees and arms to her chest and made herself small. She sobbed, far beyond pleading to God, past hoping that all of this was simply a bad dream. It wasn’t right, and it wasn’t fair, none of this should even be happening but she couldn’t deny reality. As much as she WANTED TO, that just wasn’t something she could do.

She simply allowed every tear to fall.

There’s a long stretch where all conversation between them ceased. Lenalee, for all the suffering that’s been endured, notices herself being thankful for it. Thankful of all things, at a time like this! She is glad that they’re far enough removed from the main corridor to be left to their grief. Glad that no one’s come looking for them. And, most of all, she’s grateful that Lavi is here beside her. Grieving on her own just wasn’t something she could do right now... she needed a FRIEND with her, even if he was too overcome to speak. (just being beside him is comfort enough)

He wishes she wouldn’t do this for him, but he knows better now than to say as much.

           She never was good at listening, was she?

Though he knows they’re moving closer and closer to their destination, he doesn’t dare peer over her shoulder to see. He’s afraid to, rather; he’s afraid of seeing them get close and falling short because that’s all he seems capable of doing: Failing at what he set out to do. There’s the constant reminder in the back of his head that he didn’t want Lenalee or anyone else involved and in a few short moments, he’d given up that in favor of the comfort and help she offered.

           He was weak; he was lonely. And Lenalee…            Lenalee promised an end to at least one of those.

The shouts follow them a minute or two later. Something whisks past them, but even then Allen doesn’t look up. The only peace of mind that he has is that he’s more likely to be hurt than Lenalee when—if, was the hopeful whisper in the back of his mind—they stopped missing.

Yet when she commanded that he hold on tighter, he did just that. Much as he wished she would drop him and return to the life she’d lived before ten minutes ago, before she’d ever met him, he knew better than to suggest it. 

But now, she is thankful that of everyone it could have chosen, the Innocence chose her.

“Allen?” Lenalee nearly had to shout over the wind as it whipped past them. She flew from one rooftop to the next, ducking behind chimneys and walls when she could. “We’re almost there. We can lose them in the trees, make our way to the mountains.” A short mountain range marked the edge of the forest, and she could only hope that the cliffs would provide them some refuge. Any place that they could hide long enough to gather themselves would be welcome, after all. Finally, the brick buildings and tiled roofs gave way to dark treetops.

“Once we get out of sight staying on the ground is probably safer, so if you can--” Her words are cut short by a sharp cry of pain. A bullet had lodged in her shoulder, left arm nearly giving out beneath Allen. Lenalee gritted her teeth as she skidded, scrambled, and nearly dropped Allen. 

someone’s being salty again~

Allen Walker

Lavi

Kanda Yuu

and