✦ Weltschmerz

I’m Lavi. I’m 23, severely depressed and anxious, and probably have more than a few other mental illnesses by this point. I’m also transgender. I came out to my family 4 years ago, but they still haven’t accepted me. They misgender me constantly and refuse to change no matter how many times I ask them.

I have been “convinced” to take a college course that I have no interest in because it was what my mother wanted me to do. The first attempt resulted in me having a breakdown and admitting myself to the hospital because I knew if I waited any longer, I was going to kill myself.

Despite this, I was once again “convinced” to go back and finish the course. Which is where I am currently. However, it’s barely been a month and I’m back to the same point I was then. I do not want to do this course, and even just thinking about it makes my anxiety so bad I want to puke.

I have also been “convinced” to put off getting my license because it’s not “practical” for my mother.

And there’s nothing I can say to anybody at this point that will make them change their mind about me doing this. So my only option is to leave. I can’t stay here for much longer. I literally feel anxious and terrified every time I have to talk to either of my parents, and that’s no way to live.

And before you try to suggest other things, I want to give you a little more insight into how things have been/are for me.

My mother has hit me before, threatened to injure me more times than I can count, broken some of my things, guilt tripped and gaslighted me my whole life. My father is drunk 90% of the time he’s not working. He has passed out while cooking, holding a cigarette, with a glass in his hand. So many ways that could have ended with the apartment catching fire or me getting hurt.

The point is: I need help. I probably only have about $500 to my name-and that’s after scrounging up change left around the apartment for months-and no way of actually getting out of here.

I hate asking, but I’m truly desperate. Anything would help at all. Literally anything. Even if it’s less than $1, I’ll be eternally grateful. 

I set up a ko-fi page, if anyone is willing to help. If you’d like to use my direct paypal instead it’s: [email protected]

I don’t really have much to offer, but I am more than willing to write drabbles for anybody who helps. All I ask is that you send me a message here, off anon, so we can talk about it.

Thank you so much.

houzukigami allen!

“Breakdown” by Mariah Carey

Some happy Laven, maybe after the war.