✘ — I CRAVE

‘ i’m not protecting him , i’m protecting you . ’ 

He blinks. Tongue-tied. Unable to comprehend the gravity of what she said. She was protecting him. She chose to surrender herself to Bratva for him. He didn’t know whether she was that desperate, or just plain stupid. He wanted to shake her out of frustration and throw her over his shoulder, carrying her stupid ass all the way back to Athos. His tightens his earlier resolve of expressing his pent up rage.

“Show me,” he growls, eyes cold and narrowed to slits. He doesn’t wait for her to do it, though. He doesn’t wait for permission either. He turns her body to look for those similar markings — where supposed brothers would mare perfect skin with raw, bloody, red scars from blades slashing across your back before branding you with their tattoo. Nothing in Bratva came without pain and utter devastation of the self. It is in this moment, seeing healing cuts of what she’s gone through, his eyes burn with unshed tears. His lips press into a thin line and hands curl into first around the fabric of her shirt he still has lifted from inspecting her back.

Nikolay shifts, his fury not knowing whether to cool to a simmer or boil over with rage at her back. He never wanted this for her. He had fought tooth and nail, murdered no short of hundreds, so he wouldn’t be dragged back into this life, nor the people he cared for. Uncurling his fistful of her shirt, he pulls away from her to rub his hands across his face, fraught with tension. Shoulders hunched, fingers flexing and shaking with fury, he turns himself to face the wall behind him in this tiny shack filled with cracks that let the cold winter air brush against his skin in a familiar biting touch. He slams his fist into one of those wooden boards causing it to crack and give away under enormous force. He relishes in the pain. Focuses on it as he says, “I never asked you to do that.” He twists his neck around to fixate her with a cold, hard stare, beyond furious. “I never asked you to suffer for me. I never wanted that.” He sighs then. His voice losing all it’s bite and softens all within a breath. In an impossible second. “I would have done anything to keep you and Cat safe. Far from this world. My world. You didn’t have to protect me. I would have given myself up.” He would have given anything to keep those wretched scars off her newly marred back. 

There’s just so much history when it comes to both Nik and herself. History that pulls at her heart, moments of time where she’s always wanted to let go and embrace the darker part in her that selfishly has only ever wanted and never given up. And for so long she found herself containing it because she thought it would make others happier, and that she could find herself being content. But with each aching day she found herself falling into a deeper and a darker pit of loving those who seemed to find no fault in all her very many flaws. And she hated herself for it, but she couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like if she could even find the courage to tell the truth, to speak her mind for the first time. 

And she had given up so much in the past, it ached for her to see the pain so clearly depicted upon Nik’s features, ones that had so often been guarded amongst her after she had shattered his heart after he had lay it on the line for her. And perhaps just with these last few words she would finally feel free. She had felt caged for so long, doubting anyone’s true intentions when it came to her life because of what had happened with her deceased mother and absent father. It had affected her more than she liked to admit, she was so utterly broken. Yet in the company of Nik and Cat she somehow was able to be made whole, and it ached her to tear them away from her heart. Her fingers caressing his arm, tightening ever so slightly as she pleaded for him to listen to words, to just hear them for the first time for what they truly were, she released a sigh of relief as the truth was finally spoken.

She no longer had to live in the life of possibilities and what ifs. He knew the truth and now the ball was in his court. She could live with the fact that he probably no longer loved her. She could live with the fact that she had probably lost her chance. But at least no longer it would plague her mind at night about the possibilities and what could have happened if she hadn’t been so cowardly and chose to stomp on his heart instead of accepting his feelings and letting him know that she reciprocated them tenfold. Yet the moment she started to walk away, moisture beginning to well up in her eyes as she thought about the fact that their life could have had such a different future if she had taken another path, the moment she heard his voice resonate in the oh so deafeaning silence, she immediately stopped.

“You love me?” She whispered, her heart dropping at each continued word. Her arms dropped to her sides as she reached out a hand to caress his face, her eyes gazing directly into his. “But how could you possibly love me after all of this?” She asked, her eyes continuing to well up as she stepped closer towards him. He loved her. How could this be?

Warmth engulfs Nikolay when she questions him. It’s everywhere, surrounding him, softening him in a way he hasn’t felt in a year. The tension that lives in every line of his body is gone, his muscles completely relaxed… He’s content, enough that he doesn’t instantly yank himself out of her grip as he has grown used to, and for the first time in a long time, he doesn’t want to move, not even a little bit. Every inch of him is at ease as he takes a deep breath, softening in a way he would always do when Catalina walked into the room.

He carefully wipes the tears beginning to stain her cheeks with his thumbs, hand refusing to let go of cupping her cheeks and breaking contact. He didn’t ever want to let her go now. “I love you,” he repeats, softer. A whisper in the space between that felt like a scream. It crawled it’s way out of his throat with ease and suddenly he wanted to say it again. And again. As many times as he could until she believed him. “I will always love you. Always.” His grip tightens on her face, just barely, and his thumb begins to rub small circles and figure eights along her cheeks while he chewed over his next words very carefully. He had a strong feeling that whatever he said at this moment would irrevocably change things between them. This moment had the chance to become everything he’s ever wanted for them, or shatter their bond completely. If the latter, he isn’t sure he could face her again. He certainly couldn’t remain in this house and pretend everything was fine and normal and he wasn’t falling to pieces on the inside.

The sound of his blood rushing through his ears highlights the way his heart pounds as his eyes flash to her lips, and he pushes himself closer, his naked chest pressing against hers, and the weirdest sensation of being complete fills him before he closes his eyes and dips down. It’s a soft, gentle kiss. It’s nothing passionate or crazy as their past ones have been, but it causes a light tremble in his frame and his heart skips a couple dozen beats. He wants more. He wants this, always. But he knows he still has more to get out. Pulling back, only an inch, he speaks and as he does his lips continually brush against hers from the close proximity. “Freyja,” he breathes, finally opening his blue eyes to look at her again. “Where you go, I’ve gone. Every damn time. I would do it again. I would follow you every damn time.” He pecks her lips once, quick and soft. Hoping she would feel how much he meant every damn word. “I never had a choice in loving you. I just do. That won’t ever go away.”

❝ Thought I was doing you a favor by leaving. ❞

He doesn’t startle. He just peers up at her with those haunted eyes. “You would think that.” His voice is distant and detached, but it’s clear he’s forcing it on, because his fingers are twitching and his shoulders are bunched with tension. “You would believe breaking Cat instead of staying was the better choice.” He peers up at Freyja, his eyes dead.

He should walk away now. He doesn’t. Unlike her, he doesn’t find it so easy to leave. Not without getting everything off his chest.

“I can’t do this. I can’t” His voice breaks off, faltering. “Cat can’t… We cannot watch you walk away,” he rasps, the sound guttural. Then, “again.” Thumb rubs along his forefinger and middle finger, again. His nervous tick. He doesn’t want to say it. He doesn’t want to do this. But, he can’t not. He can’t keep pretending like it doesn’t hurt. He can’t keep falling and falling without any hope of ever behind able to stand on his own two feet. He can’t keep offering up a part of himself if it will only continue to make him bleed. Too much blood had been spilt. “A favor would be not coming back.” Words once so hard to say slip from his tongue with ease, almost too easy. And his voice, his voice was ruination. There is nothing beyond the appearance of it. It just was, and its aftereffects left all lifeless, unbreathing. Was he even breathing as he allows the grief he so long clung to to wither in favor of vacantness?

“Just don’t come back.” Don’t look back, he wants to add. Don’t string together all those precious words that bring on heartache. The flame that was them almost flickering out just as she would reawaken it. The words came undone. The love she held in her hands will be crushed beneath her boot as she goes. The distance between them comes into view, excruciatingly so. He can’t carry this hope for her anymore. “If you can’t stay. Leave for good.” If he ever felt anything for her at any point, it couldn’t be heard as he said this, unblinking, staring at the hills behind her. 

Nikolay ::

Birth October 27th, 1983.

OCT 1983-NOV 1994. Ages 0-11: Living with parents and sister.

JAN 1995. Age 11: Bratva Captain finds Nikolay and Lada in an alleyway and takes them in.

JAN 1995-SEPT 2011. Ages 11-27: Is trained under Bratva and eventually becomes part of the Brotherhood. Works his way up to being Bratva Captain after the death of the man who took him and his sister in.  

JAN 1995-FEB 2001. Ages 11-16: Trained under Bratva.

FEB 3rd, 2001. Age 17: Officially joined Brotherhood.

AUG 25th, 2003. Age 19: Man who took him in dies and Nik becomes Bratva Captain.

SEPT 19th, 2011. Age 27: Lada is murdered by the brotherhood.

SEPT-OCT 2011. Age 27-28: Nikolay kills every member involved in his sister’s death and leaves the last one who actually shot his sister behind, alive and eternally suffering.

Catalina ::

NOV 2011. Age 28: Has left Russia and became a professional fighter in Serpentia.

DEC 2011. Age 28: Sees the light and gains his powers.

MAR 6th, 2012. Age 28: Catalina comes to his show and hires him as her bodyguard.

MAR 2012-JUNE 2018. Ages 28-34: Relationship with Cat blooms from professional to friendship to romantic.

JUNE 26th 2015. Age 31: Officially in a relationship. Not public knowledge.

NOV 9th, 2015. Age 32: Nadia’s death.

FEB 14th, 2016. Age 32: Relationship becomes public.

JUNE 2018. Age 34: Flee to Athos with Cat, Freyja, and Midas.

Midas ::

APR 12th, 2012. Age 28: Meets Midas.

MAY 2012-JUNE 2018. Ages 28-34: Relationship with Midas wavers between friendship and romantic. Consistently rocky due to Midas’ disappearing act. 

JUNE 2018. Age 34: Flee to Athos with Cat, Freyja, and Midas.

MAR  17th, 2020. Age 36: Midas disappears. 

AUG 3rd, 2020. Age 36: Nikolay learns of Midas’ disappearance from Catalina.  

OCT 5th, 2020. Age 36: Freyja learns of Midas’ disappearance from Catalina. 

Freyja ::

FEB 11th, 2018. Age 34: Catalina and Nikolay meet Freyja in a bar.

JUNE 2018. Age 34: Flee to Athos with Cat, Freyja, and Midas.

JULY 2018. Age 34: All living together in Athos. Not public knowledge.

OCT 2018. Age 34/35: Torturous electricity and meaningless sex.

NOV 2018. Age 35: Nadiya forces Freyja to join Bratva and she leaves trio behind without a word.

JULY 2019. Age 35: Nikolay spots Nadiya & Freyja in early July. A week later he tracks down Nadiya and forces her to spill. Nikolay rejoins Bratva.

JULY 2019. Age 35: Nikolay reunites with Freyja by 21st of July and they share first real kiss. The occurrence of truly unlovable chat and fight.

NOV 30th, 2019. Age 36: Nikolay has been working under Bratva for four months alongside Freyja.

FEB 17th, 2020. Age 36: Nikolay’s first love confession to Freyja.

AUG 3rd, 2020. Age 36: Nikolay returns to Athos without Freyja.

OCT 5th, 2020. Age 36: Freyja returns to Athos.

Catalina, Freyja, & Nikolay ::

OCT 5th, 2020. Age 36: Three of them all together again in Athos.

There is an ache that arises at his words. One that begs to be set free, for her to turn back time to Russia. One that causes her to bite her tongue, the familiar taste of copper arising as she holds her mouth clamped shut despite all she longs and wants to say. She holds such guilt for what has arisen in their past, for being the one that has torn what once was to be shattered into a million pieces. And yet, she doesn’t regret it one bit. If she had to sacrifice mountains to save Nik, Cat or Midas she would. Because they are the lights in her life that she has come to love and protect, and she would never do anything different when it came to making sure that they were safe. Yet as her fervent gaze finally turned towards him, her heart dropped as she looked at the pain that was so evident upon his features. Pain that could have only come from one like her.

Perhaps the whispers were true. Death only followed her. Death and pain. She remembered her past well. A dead mother. Dead bodies dropping about her the moment she entered a room to finish the job. And yet after all this she wanted more. She wished to be more than the moniker that others knew her as. To be set free from her past that marred her future. The one that had caused her to be a coward when it came to her feelings. That had caused her to run away, flighty and fleeing the scene when it came to confronting the truth. She had never liked to stare the truth in the face, and now she had the opportunity once again. And the moment he started to move towards the door, she knew that she only had one option. Even if it hurt even more than his rejections. If she never said it aloud, perhaps she never would.

“Nik, I.” She began, staring helplessly as he walked out, each further step causing her arms to wrap around her body tighter. It was never meant to be like this. She should have told him the truth, and perhaps things would be different now. She should have followed him home after the job had been done. But she had been a coward then and she was being one now. No more. She ran after him, hoping that he hadn’t disappeared like she knew he so easily could. Her senses easily tracking him down upon the driveway she reached out an arm to grasp upon his tightly as she forced him to look at her. “I’m so sorry for everything. The pain, and what happened. You laid your heart on the line and I stomped it to pieces. And I let you think that was the truth. But the truth is, I’ve always loved you Nik. And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you till now. And I know you feel differently, but I just wanted to let you know. I love you and I just wanted you to know.”

And like a weight off her chest, she finally let go as she began to walk away, turning her back to him as she moved back towards the mansion. For the first time she had revealed the truth to her feelings, and unlike what she had felt before — it almost felt catatonically good to do so. But why did it hurt so much to know he did not feel the same way?

With the morning light barely brushing against his skin, he sucks in a few more breaths. He allows himself a moment to feel the weight of their words, only a moment, before he shakes out his legs for a run and starts removing the fresh wraps on his hands. He didn’t know where he was running to, but it was anywhere that wasn’t here. Here he could feel himself slipping further away. His warmth was seeping right out of him in a place that was suppose to be home. Their home. Now he can’t look back at it.

He lets the wrappings slip through his hands. The wind only picks at them briefly when they fall to the gravel behind him as he is about to take off running. But, he doesn’t make it a step further without the sound of heavy footfall on rocks to alert him of another presence. Eyes squeezing shut, a thumb and forefinger rubbing at his eyes and down his cheeks, he debates running. He could still make it. It would be a challenge trying to out maneuver her powers outside, but he has done it before. Just go now! Go, go, go, go, go! His mind is frantically screaming the words, almost begging, while his feet stand their ground. His body is in its own little war and all that ends with is his heart losing out as she catches up to him, and he lets her twist him around to face her.

He doesn’t catch her gaze. Rather he stands straight, towering her enough to look over her head at the mansion that stood tall behind her. This damn place. Her. He couldn’t keep doing this. All this twisting and pulling. The leaving and staying. What was real? Was any of it real? He isn’t sure of much anymore. Then she starts sputtering out a lot at once, and something in his chest cracks with her always. Always loved him. Always. How can she say she loved him when she didn’t even confide in him? How could she be saying all this now after months of proving the opposite? It didn’t make sense. If she loved him, why did she choose to stay there after everything was over? If this was love… did he even want it?

Before he could come up with an answer, she is slipping away from him again. He really couldn’t keep doing this. “Freyja, please.” His voice cracks, “for once. Stop running.”

He stands there. Unsure of himself. Wrestling with his thoughts and what it meant to give in. It was a lot. This, what they had, has been festering for so long. Kept hidden while fire met fire. This much desire drove him to leave everything behind for her. And while it ruined things, a part of him was certain he would do it again, in a second, in a heartbeat, for her. She let him know he still had a shred of a heart while freezing and covered in blood for awhile. He almost started to believe her. Until she let him know otherwise, and then chose the brotherhood over him. His fingers flex. He stifled a moan from the motion that caused his hands to ache. Hands she had been so gentle with a moment ago. So gentle. A vulnerability in her. A simple caress. He swallows. It was there: the terrifying truth. Unfolding never in her words but through her actions.

He finally takes a step towards her, wobbly. Then another. And another. “If you love me, stop running away from me.” He can’t keep his gaze off her now, all the love he has hoarded over the years emerging in his eyes even as she kept her back to him. And now the silence feels somewhat comforting as he thinks of what he wants to say, how much he can afford to give away. He moves around her to stand in front of her, blocking her way. The mansion and all its recent stirrings of real fears for him out of sight. Almost out of mind. He lets those same cracked, bloody hands caress both her cheeks. It’s almost fitting. All of their moments seem to come with blood. “Because I can’t love you if you won’t stay.”