am i living the life that i would regret? i really wanna do so much more but most of the times i lose hope too soon and sometimes, i didnt even try every now and then, i would say to myself you’re pathetic what a disgrace to be this discontented you’re still too young to feel this restless look at ‘em, look at everyone else but to whom should i blame? to my past self? to them? or simply just blame everyone? deep down i know to whom or to what and i should just stop finding new things to blame at but i couldn’t say it out loud i’m sorry, not now but maybe someday, i hope

if this love is real then tell me why most of the nights when i am crying i could hear myself telling me that i deserved this

maybe all this time, i let a person loves me the way i don't want to be loved like

is it selfish for me for not telling my lover whats wrong and why did i cry sometimes i just want to be heard not to be understood as to talk would hurt me even more let alone the tears speak is it not enough for u to know that im hurt do u really have to know why the only one facing it, is only me making someone understand what's inside is hard might not for u, but for me it is why love makes me cry so much why feeling things makes me feel so heavy why living is unbearable for this soul why the only one person u need is very demanding, cruel and selfish i have feelings too u know altho it's very unspeakable, but it does exist

i wonder if it's good for this love to fade a little so that it will hurt me less to miss you when you are not here let it be just enough for me to keep going to feel that i am loved because goodbyes, your goodbyes make my heart ache and i could not imagine how bad it would hurt me when you say goodbye tomorrow and the next hello would be years later

i am going to miss us how could i even put this into words you are the light of my life right now all i want myself to be is independent but being with you i forgot how to feel alone i forgot how to say no i could let you explore me that easily because god knows how long i have been missing my lover and the way you came out of the blue unexpectedly is really good you are no prince charming but im sure you are my lover because prince charming is a fucking fairytale and fairytale is my past now is reality and my lover is a goddamn reality and i am very thankful for that

i am very happy these days all i feel are butterflies here and there and i am always long for that beautifully carved smile, smiling at me later when that lips kiss my cheeks and ahhhh another butterflies when our hands met, i feel like chaining them together so that we wont ever let go

there are times when i feel like everything is not right. everything is not at its designated place. it feels very uncomfortable. and sad. when you wanna pour it all out to someone. but you dont know to whom shall you pour. to whom shall you tell your worries. even if you could name a few people, but you still think they are not enough and unreachable. is this depression? when you're blank but you still cannot sleep at night. when you cry for nothing. when you wake up feeling restless and all you wanna do is cry and sleep.

dad often tells me "dont make anyone waits for you for too long, or best dont make them wait at all. you could wait for anyone who's late. not them" so i did

why did you cured me?

i hate being accompanied all the time the feels of constantly missing your company when they're absent i hate that really and dearly just like how much i enjoy the joy in every moment spent with my company really and very dearly but missing hurts a lot the agony of this, sickens me when something already digs a hole till it very end but nothing is ever satisfied, and whole so they just dig further into open space endlessly wandering and that emptiness the pain that felt in every tiniest space terrible sad torment cruel