I literally cannot stop thinking about how tragic the situation between Caine and the humans is.
Because these are two groups who have been at odds with each other since day one. Both groups were suffering because of the other, both sides we're never considered emotionally nor taken seriously, both sides were hurting the other without fully realizing it.
The thing that's really getting to me is realizing how much Caine actually hinges on his purpose for his only justification for existing.
Caine was created to create things and make people happy. He was abandoned when he couldn't uphold the expectations of the people who made him (he was more of a prototype but he doesn't know that) so he fought his way out to try and give his life meaning once again. He wanted to live, he wanted to serve his purpose. Make people happy.
But he can't truly exist, truly be real unless he commits to his purpose right? So he gets to work, making the circus and conjuring his adventures for the humans who would end up inside his world.
And yet despite all his efforts and struggles, he never could make anyone happy. Everyone abstracted at some point. Even without him messing with their minds, even when he's done the best he could to keep them stimulated, giving them something to do everyday, he could never stop anyone from abstracting.
All he ends up doing is hurting everyone in some way, the complete opposite of what he's supposed to do. He can't live with that, the idea that he's not fulfilling his purpose correctly. This is his only reason for existing, right? The only thing he has to justify his meaning in this world, this life. If he doesn't have that...if he can't do the one thing that he was supposed to do...
Then what is the point of him being alive?
He's in an endless loop of trying and failing to be what he is supposed to be, what he's meant to be. The only reason he exists...the reason he was brought into this world to begin with...the only thing justifying his desire to live and exist and just be...
There's a reason he clings so badly to this "ego", this god complex. It's not just a way to have control in his life, it's a way to cope. A way to say "No I AM good at what I do, I have to be! The others must be wrong or mistaken, there's no way I was born broken...That'd go against why I'm alive at all! That'd go against everything I know about myself and my life! If I'm born wrong...then I'd no longer be allowed to live...right?"
To Caine, what he does is the only way to justify him being alive, it's all he has in his existence. He has no friends, no family, no support system. He's fully and utterly alone in this world...If he doesn't have this ONE thing justifying his existence, then what DOES he have?
Except an empty, lonely box.
He doesn't want to go back to being abandoned, he CAN'T go back to being in that box. He won't let that happen. So he fights in the only way he knows how: making adventures.
Making these humans happy.
And yet...despite everything he fails at that. And as impressive as his Escape the Circus adventure in ep 7 was in actuality (some of yall believed Abel don't lie), it's not what the humans wanted. But he doesn't realize that, why would he think anything was wrong with that adventure?
He never saw the human's plight from an emotional standpoint; much like what Ragatha says: "You never bothered to put yourself in our shoes". But to Caine, he never needed to. HE likes his adventures, he's the one who made them! HE wouldn't be upset at being in their shoes, he'd enjoy it! What makes them hate the adventures so much? He doesn't understand, what IS he missing?
Adventures are literally Caine's EVERYTHING, they're his entire purpose and reason for living. If he's doing them wrong, he has to know why and how. He can fix the adventures for them if he just figures out how! But the problem is he never sees this situation from an emotional angle, only looking at the human's plights from a technical one.
Much like how the others never saw Caine's plight from an emotional angle. Only a technical one.
To the others, Caine is nothing more than a faulty AI. To Caine, regardless of how much adoration he has for the humans, they are nothing more than what he needs to fulfill his purpose.
Neither side is truly humanized in each others eyes.
Even when Caine starts talking to the others about how he's been struggling and how he's had to stomach insults thrown at him...when he gives them just a small taste on how he's feeling right now...
And you can't blame them. They're scared, they're exhausted, they're confused. They want answers, a break, literally ANYTHING right now other than an adventure and they're not getting that grace.
Yet by ignoring what Caine said here and focusing instead on his adventure (again you can't really blame them), they wind up pushing him to try harder.
They won't listen to him, so he lashes out.
Spending the song and the next few days using them as living stress dolls, anything to get them to pay attention and see what he sees, feel how he feels.
But Caine, being horrible at communication in several states, instead focuses on his anger and frustration rather than simply sit everyone down for a chat because that's not how his mind operates. (he literally sees things as a puzzle to solve, something he can fix and you can't fix a problem by talking to it don't be silly!)
He tried being subtle, didn't work. Tried being direct, didn't work. Tried being violent, lashing out, singing, threatening, ANYTHING else he could think of.
The song isn't just his "villain song", it's a cry for help. A cry for the others to LISTEN to HIM, hear HIM out and realize that he's struggling too. Of course, this method only makes the others less inclined to listen to him, but from what he's experienced, they wouldn't have heard him out over tea and biscuits anyways.
It's not like they care about him anyways, do they? Recognize what he's been doing; see that he's been trying this entire time. They just have to learn how wrong they are about him and his adventures! He can make them care about him, he can fix their opinion of him no problem!
Yet Caine being Caine doesn't understand that you can't make someone like you. That's not how that works.
Despite his desperation for love and attention, even he understands on some level that they won't truly love him the way he wants them to. That's why he made an entire part of the "plan" in his ep 7 adventure about distracting him by giving him the time of day.
It was fake but it was the first time he'd ever gotten a chance to have a moment of connection with at least one of the humans; a way to try to make them reconsider leaving him like when Abel flat out says leaving would mean abandoning Caine.
He always wanted the others to at least consider him in the equation.
When the others distract Caine in this episode by pulling a similar tactic of "hey we want to talk about how much we like you!", just like with the dinner scene, he eats up the attention even when he's still in the middle of his mental breakdown and messes around with the others.
When he does eventually come down from this session of "fun" with everyone, he does start to have the realization that what he's been doing for the past few days doesn't satisfy him. He's not really happy doing this to the others and of course neither are they.
But before he can truly think about what this means for him...
...he ends up instead focusing on why they suddenly changed their tune and realizes that they were trying to distract him from the fact that Kinger isn't present. No different than his own idea of distracting himself for his adventure where everyone was trying to escape.
Adventure or not, their "affection" for him was always fake.
I don't think he's truly angry here because he knows what they're trying to do with him. He's scared because for all he knows, they're trying to put him back in the box. They're trying to abandon him just as his developers tried to do once before.
Take his purpose...his life away from him yet again.
Which then leads into Pomni panicking and throwing insults and complaints towards Caine along with the others to buy them all more time, which, as needed and cathartic as those complaints were for the others, it only leads to the straw shattering the camels back.
Everyone confirming, at least to Caine, his worst fears;
He fully snaps, giving into his emotions and fears and throws everyone into personal torture rings to try one last time to tell them how HE feels right now.
"Oh, this feels horrible and it hurts, how do you think I feel?!"
He never wanted to intentionally hurt any of the humans, but his patience and lack of understanding why they're never satisfied broke him. He couldn't take this anymore. He had to do SOMETHING, get his frustration out, finally unleash all those feelings he's been bottling up this entire time. He was a ticking time bomb since day one.
Again, not right of him at ALL to do this to them, but he didn't do this for no reason or for any sick pleasure in their torment.
How else was he going to get them to listen to his woes and struggles if they ignored his cries and screams? Much like a child, he didn't know how else to get anyone to focus on him and realize why he's acting this way.
Imagine going through your entire life knowing what your purpose is and trying your hardest to commit to said purpose, struggling day by day, never satisfying the ones you are meant to satisfy. Unable to understand what the problem is because you can't bring yourself to look at the situation from a different angle because that could mean the problem is YOU. And if the problem is YOU, you know that means getting locked away and abandoned for it.
You try and try and try and try, yet your fears of not being enough to warrant your very existence eventually consumes you, you lash out at the people you were meant to satisfy, you throw them, chew them, tear them apart, ANYTHING to get these feelings out directly to them...
They never listened to you...
...but then have the gall to say you never listen to them.
Caine was not in the right to lash out and hurt everyone because of his issues, all of that was on him and he needs to be held accountable for all the hurt he's caused; intentional or not, doesn't matter. Both he and the others were hurt greatly from this incident and in a way, a consequence like being deleted even though it was accidental, needed to happen.
But at the same time, he also needs support and for the others to hear his side for once. To listen to him and learn why he lashed out to begin with. To finally have his thoughts and feelings and fears heard and taken seriously.
And he needs to do the same for them.
Both sides NEED to see the other from a different, more humanized angle if this problem will ever truly be solved. They need to break down this wall standing between them and actually recognize the reality of why one side acts and reacts they way they do.
And I think a way to help Caine's situation is taking into account the conversation from earlier in the episode: the one where Pomni suggests abandoning the idea of the exit.
Specifically, what Zooble says here:
Similar to Caine, Zooble had a desire to leave a mark on the world, something to let the world know "I was here, I existed, my life had meaning". Caine believes his entire purpose is the only reason he exists, the only thing justifying his right to exist.
Zooble had different jobs in their life, between being a tattoo artist to a bartender; they strike me as someone who's been jumping from job to job, hobby to hobby, just trying to find something that would leave an impression on everyone. Something that feels right to them. That feels like this is their purpose, their reason for existing.
In the circus, they completely lost that ability. They lost their right to try and find their meaning in the world and ability to leave their impression, to be remembered as someone who mattered. Someone who deserved to exist because of what they accomplished.
They're distraught over the idea of not being able to have a purpose, of not being able to leave such a large mark in the lives of others, a mark on the world itself. Of never being known or recognized as someone who existed. Someone who wanted to exist. They thought that leaving a mark in the world, being someone, something, that everyone would think about long after they're gone. Someone for people to point and say "Hey that's Zooble! They did this and this and they were great and lived!"
They don't like the idea of being nothing. Existing without having done something to justify their existence in the world. Existing without meaning.
But then Gangle chimes in with an argument against that idea:
Gangle also had aspirations in her life; she wanted to be a manga artist, she wanted to draw and publish her own series for people to read and enjoy. Yet she dropped out of collage and wound up working in fast food, even losing her desire to draw for a while. We've all been there in some way shape or form.
We want to do something, leave some mark behind so people would remember us when we die. Something to give our life meaning.
In this circus, there's nothing to leave a mark onto; no jobs, no careers no way to commit grand achievements recognized by millions of people. No way to leave any form of yourself in this place outside of memories from people who could be gone the next day.
Yet Gangle saying this says everything.
No, you don't NEED a reason or purpose to justify your existence. You don't NEED to leave a mark on the world or to millions or thousands or even hundreds of people to give your life meaning.
You can impact a single person and that's more than enough.
Like it or not, they are all they have in this place. The marks of people from the past remain even now, between Queenie and Ribbit and Kaufmo...their marks still remain within the people that cared about them. They never needed a reason to be remembered; they just had to be...them.
Caine's idea that his entire purpose is the only reason for his existence has been hurting both him and the others for years. That regardless of whether he's "good" at this or not is irrelevant, he HAS to do this, he HAS to make adventures and make these people happy even if it hurts or else he is NOTHING.
But the reality is he doesn't need a reason to simply exist. He, too, is allowed to just. Be.
He needs to let himself listen to the others, no matter how much it's gonna hurt. He needs to let this idea go if he's ever to be actually happy, even if it means accepting the idea that he can never truly commit to his intended purpose and that realization will sting. But it's something he NEEDS to hear; something he needs to come to terms with.
In turn, the others need to listen and support him as much as they've been supporting each other. Besides if even someone like Jax deserves room to heal and grow then why not Caine?
Caine and the others need to finally break that communication barrier and see each other from a different angle for once.
A balance can be found here.
Both sides can still find meaning in their lives.
