The concept of my mental health crashing harder than the stock market every 14 months or so. Is this going to be the rest of my life. Probably!
I don't have a lot of sellable skills. I will likely remain at bottom wage pool. Learning new skills takes money I don't have 99% of the time. Wtf bro
I mean. Working retail, yeah, sure. I have soft skills. I deal with people all the time. Customer service and whatnot. Things of which companies are aiming to replace with AI. Same thing with art and being creative. All of my skills are replaceable or aren't respected enough to pay decentlyyyyyy
Silver lining, I guess, is that while I have minimal hours at work right now, I still have a job. You know. But I am looking for something better. Still not full time because I know I can't handle 40+ hour work weeks. I did also ask for more hours at work if possible (payroll scarcity...) trying to get up to 25 a week now. Pipe dream lowkey
What if I just wanna work in a bakery. Huh. I honestly did apply to a couple of baker jobs. No idea how much the pay is! But I feel like creating, food, would be something I can deal with.
I don't have a love for much of anything which is my problem. How does one force themselves to love a job. I don't love my current job, but at the same time I have several shifts where I feel like I did something good. Yesterday for example. Had a customer come in and while I admit I should've realized sooner, she was deaf. She was asking me questions and I was answering and had to repeat several times before realizing to ask if she was hard of hearing. We have a little whiteboard to write on in case this happens so I got it out immediately and she seemed pleasantly surprised we had any accommodation at all. I hope it made it even a little better for her
Helping is nice. I enjoy helping. My problem is that I don't have a helping related job that will pay me enough to survive on my own. And I am incredibly privileged that my parents are willing to support me as long as I need and I truly, truly hate that it might be for the rest of their lives that they have to financially support me. But they have affirmed that as long as I'm trying then I'm not a leech to them. Now I just have to get my brain to understand that.
Also I did agree that when they're older that I would take care of them. Which is the least I could do for them in the future after they're taking care of me this whole time. I am now contributing to a few bills now too, helping where I can afford to. Most of my earnings are going straight to savings so I can buy my own car. Which is scary to me because then all that saved money will be gone and I'll be back to square one. What if something happens and I can't afford to fix it. You know. Also Car payments + Car insurance payments. Spend money to spend more money over time. Why is that allowed, like, at all.
I need to learn a new skill so bad man. You would not believe the document I have on my computer that has links to medicaid and low income housing (I don't think my parents would kick me out but just in case, you know.) Every possible nearby relief service. Which fruits and vegetables are the most cost effective to grow on your own. I should go buy some seeds and supplies tomorrow if I can get out of bed.
I don't know how to budget my time at all and it shows. I barely spend my own money on anything. Just Save, Pay some part of bills, and then everything is savings. I spend a little on a game I like to play, trying to enjoy life in between the dread but it's very little.
"You need to find something to live for" Yeah. My friends. My family. My dog. That's about it. I also can't die before a certain person kicks the bucket either so my spite has kept me alive despite my clear severe depression and anxiety issues. I was managing semi well for the 2nd half of last year. I have slipped back down which, happens. Healing is never linear. These disorders I have are lifelong struggles. Just gotta keep going.
I turn 25 on Saturday. One more year until I age off my dad's health insurance. Hence why I have medicaid links on speed dial. My current job offers health insurance plans for part timers. Limited, but still better than nothing. The problem is I don't think I will be staying here much longer because I can'ttttt stay satisfied with 16$ an hour. I can't live on that. So just. Asking my store manager for more hours while quietly looking for new jobs. There are very, very few out there that offer health insurance for part-timers. So my dilemma for now is. Do I stay in low pay dead-end job for the health insurance, or do I try to jump to something that pays a little more + gives me more hours but no health benefits and I pay medicaid from my own pocket. Choices.
Either way I am 100% not going to be able to afford living on my own. My cousin works 40 hour weeks full time and still lives with her parents. She's 30. That gives me a little comfort as selfish and ridiculous as it is.
Anyway. I think I will cut this off here. I likely have more to say but I'm going to try to do something I enjoy and not feel immense guilt over it. I have to understand that I am safe despite everything. I can be safe and not get incompetent at the same time. It just feels like safe = incompetent in my head
