The Obsessive Dilettante

You try to run away, run away from the world. But then you run away, run away from yourself. And you don’t know the way home.

I’m naturally resistant to join more social media, especially something connected to the Facebook empire, and I remember hearing that it’s irrevocably connected to your IG account (which I barely use anyway, but eh, I still may want some space? Idk…).

Buuuut I miss being able to keep tabs on quick updates of weather and news and the like.

But now I’m hiding at the desk because a client asked me an easy-to-solve question but now I’m pretending it took me longer just so I can sit and take a breath.

But.

I think my boss assumes that because she thinks I’m young and naive (I am neither but it’s just easier to assume the “young privilege” in this line of work) that I can be easily “bossed” around.

No.

Just because she doesn’t have a clear demarcation between work and home life, doesn’t mean she will get me to cave on mine.

If she wanted someone to be there for her stupid after work hours business shmoozing, she should have planned in advance and not just assume we are mind readers with a free schedule tomorrow.

It’s weird how it’s the dumb, small things that can be a tipping point for some people, but more than one of us nearly lost our cool for her aggressively passive-aggressive way of pointing out that she doesn’t want to attend these events alone and attempting some weird guilt trip when all of us firmly said we had other plans.

Sigh. I like this place, I like my work, and I generally like my boss. But sometimes I feel like she speaks a totally different language than everyone else here. Or think she’s working somewhere more prestigious than it is.

Like, sure, be proud that you run a nonprofit “like it’s a Fortune 500 company” but you don’t pay us Fortune 500 wages or even overtime so you can’t get butthurt when we decline something that would extend our already full day by more unpaid hours with last minute notice.

And this isn’t even a life-and-death kind of nonprofit where people rely on us for food and housing and medical care. This is the arts.

Anyway.

I’ve decided that my boss officially has the emotional maturity of a toddler, so I will treat her like a toddler. By being firm, patient, kind, but also setting boundaries.

Boundaries that I will keep.

First movie of the year!

I didn’t watch this in the original run so the “Minus Color” is all I know. But it’s such a beautiful film, and presumably just as beautiful in the original color.

It’s finally stopped snowing, which is nice, but honestly other than the extreme cold, the roads haven’t been too bad because the snow hasn’t had a chance to melt and turn into ice. It’s definitely a day where I wish I was snuggled under blankets with something cozy to entertain myself.

I’ve actually been quite a cozy mood lately — I’ve been binging all things Jane Austen and it has been filling my soul. I don’t know what I’m going to do when I run out because I know I will still not be satiated, but that’s a problem for another day.

But I don’t see how my answer was so wrong:

Anyway, I am officially a month (!) into this new job and I am learning that when I sold myself as a “well-rounded office person” they apparently took me seriously.

I can’t begin to tell you how many conversations and discoveries I have made so far just by asking what I think are simple things, like:

“Hey, where do you keep those documents?” We don’t actually have those documents, much less keep them.

(On being asked a simple office question my second week) “Hmm, I don’t know, what has your policy previously been?” There hasn’t been a policy, at least not officially.

I mean, I’m literally creating the office stuff from scratch. You can’t imagine how long my task list is already, just from me going, “Oh, okay, well that’s something that will need to happen.” And it will only happen because of me!

To be fair, this is literally why I was hired — the ED is too overworked to take care of the nuts and bolts of running the place. I’m here to bring everyone into compliance and get them organized and sail them smoothly into HR and accounting waters.

Which cracks me up because I see who I really am, an ADHD disorganized disaster who struggles with basic bureaucracy (I never went to the doctor the last couple years because I couldn’t figure out my new job’s insurance) and would prefer to daydream the day away if she could.

But for other people, I am an organizational genius who makes sure every detail is accurate when making sure we’re compliant with all the policies.

People sometimes think that this a job I seek out, that I enjoy, that I’m some sort of type-A perfectionist. When really it’s just what I could put on the resume due to random bits’bobs of experience, and here we are. The Office Genius.

I am quite fond of pens and sticky notes, though. Always have been.

Anyway, so this is me, bewildered at the path life has taken, but realizing that my basic experiences during my “just trying to get by” struggle years, now make me the kind of person who can fix a fractured and disorganized office.

Yeah, I’d rather be doing something more enriching. But I like bringing beauty and order from the chaos and nothingness.

This schedule isn’t normal and is the consequence of starting during an extremely busy time and being a decent person who is a “team player” and also knows that we get next week off (mostly, except for one day to make sure end of year stuff has been completed).

But! I am currently the only person in the building. Not just office. BUILDING. The other tenants have apparently taken today off. But not us.

To be fair, it will be busier in a couple hours because of some events going on but still. THE ONLY PERSON HERE. AFTER ELEVEN NONSTOP DAYS.

So I am tired and bored because I am a smart cookie but this is also only my third week. Because of “smart cookie” I already completed yesterday the tasks assigned while the boss is out but because of “third week” I would need further training to do anything else, but… no one is around… to train… BECAUSE I AM THE ONLY ONE HERE.

I still really like this job, though. I have good vibes. I am feeling more like myself these days even if it’s just having structure back in my life. Plus it’s fun realizing that, even though I haven’t been personally dabbling in the arts lately, the arts are now supporting me! Even if I just run reports and create spreadsheets! Whee!

This is a busy season for them so my schedule is temporarily all over the place as I fill in where needed (while still trying to onboard and being thrust immediately into pivotal things I will be working on, no, I am working on).

Anyway, while I am mildly stressed about organizing my finances because this was a notable paycut, everything else about the job is satisfactory so far. The people are great; the commute is great; when I have a chance to glance out the window, the view is great; my boss seems pretty great, too, and is excited I’m here and have already done a lot to help in just a handful of days.

But omg I am so tired. After basically being left to my own devices wrt scheduling for almost two years, now having to get up, make myself presentable, and then do the (thankfully not terrible) commute is exhausting. And I’m not allowed to take a quick nap in the afternoon and then finish my work in the evening! The inhumanity!

So there will be some adjustment the next few weeks, but that’s just a personal thing.