achilles

what if i clean myself and wear perfume

gold jewelry and lovely rings

what if i go out and visit my city again

for the last time

what if i find myself a quiet place, roll up my sleeve and let myself die in agony in a pool of red blood

I'm tryin to bury my jelousy because you're not mine, I don't want you to be mine and I have no right asking you to while I belong to someone else

but it's si strange seeing you with another boy, someone who isn't me, it doesn't feel wrong, but it doesn't feel right either

I really hope you're happy with him, I really hope he will give you what I couldn't, I really hope he's gonna stick with you without running in someone else's arms

but I hope you'll come again in my life, maybe as a friend, I really miss you, I really miss what we had

I hope you miss me like I miss you

then why did you do it?

i did something wrong, didn't i?

I was too much or too little

this body I'm in..is it not enough?

i don't understand

how could you betray me? how could you cheat on me?

how could you come back like that, crying

what am i supposed to do

i love you more than death

i love you more than life

but how am i supposed to have faith in you now?

how am i supposed to know that you won't do it again

you promised me so much

my body is burning

i don't know what to do

please stab me and kill me definitely i don't want to have to go through this

why am i so easy to betray?

why why why

why does everyone think i'll always be here

why

what did i do wrong this time?

i tried my best and still it wasn't enough to keep myself from being hurt

why can't i stop eating?

why do i need it?

stop please, you'll be ugly

stop stop stop

don't you see the fat on your thighs?

then why are you still entering food in your fucking mouth you bitch

you'll never look like those pretty boys if you keep up like this

i was literally talking about my ED diet

praise me praise me

tell me i've been good

am i your pretty boy?

praise me praise me

push me

push me more

i know i can be better

i haven't given my all yet

push me till death

i will be good

i promise I'll be the best

I'll give my everything to you

I'll give my everything to the world

am i being good enough?

praise me

give me more, more, more

praise me praise me

I'm not the best yet

praise me, push me, praise me

I think I will fast tomorrow because it feels like I'm eating a lot but it's okay, I can do it

food log:

breakfast: 1 cup of coffee, 1 tangerine

school break: 1 green apple

But, like every person, I do have one

I fear losing you

now or in 10 years

I'm scared you will get bored of me

you'll find ne annoying and clingy

you won't stay with me anymore

I fear still being in loe with you when you're gonna left me

I know that now o later it will happen

But I don't want to believe it

I dream of the "always together"

And I'm so fucking stupid