The Typist takes photographs, sometimes.

ive been drafting this for the past week with @remembertherain

“Words were different when they lived inside of you.” -page 31, “Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe”

Ari’s words, in his head, speak of teen angst and the inability to reach out to others. When he tries to put his words into words, and his thoughts into conversation, they just don’t present themselves right.

✨louis icons w/ niall headers✨

The Ruff Bois YouTube channel was, of course, thriving. Emmett and Jacob had a dedicated following due to their dangerous stunts and prank videos. One thing they didn’t do often, however, was livestream. Sometimes Emmett’s limbs would come off during filming and Jasper would have to edit it out. That would be a wild way for the whole vampire secret to be leaked to the public. So no, The Ruff Bois didn’t livestream. Often. Jacob, however, occasionally enjoyed drinking quite a lot of alcohol and trying out different career options. His favorite of these was candle vlogging. So why wouldn’t he livestream his love of candles to his audience?

Jasper sat behind the camera in silence like usual. He was managing the livestream to make sure Jacob didn’t do anything too rowdy, but he usually just sat on his phone and watched Spanish soap operas.

“We live?” Jacob asked.

Jasper gave a thumbs up.

“What is up gamers, welcome back to my Minecraft let’s play, now today I’m going to be doing a candle and tequila haul,” Jacob said. He was already on the verge of drunk; about one more shot would put him over the edge. He reached into the bag he got from the nearby liquor store.

“This is tequila,” he said simply, then took a big shot directly out of the bottle. He nodded. He was ready.

“Now, first off, I took my bronze ass to Yankee Candle- oh, and by the way, today’s video is sponsored by the credit card Emmett’s family gave me.”

“ITS SETH’S CARD!” Rosalie yelled from upstairs.

“SHUT UP!” Jacob yelled back. He held up the card. “This baby has a lot of juice in her, so we got a lot of candles to get through. So. First up,” He pulled the first candle out of the first of many bags. “This is french vanilla. Here comes the first sniff.” He opened the lid slightly and took a rather aggressive sniff. He nodded. “Yeah, that’s vanilla alright. Smells like… vanilla.”

Jacob was nailing it. He took out a lighter.

“This is a large jar, three wick, because we here at Ruff Bois spare no expense when it comes to bullshit like this.” He lit the candle and set it aside.

“That’s one candle, ladies and gentleman, you know what that means!” Jacob began to pour the tequila into a shot glass, singing as he did so.

“Light a candle, take a shot. Light a candle, take a shot.”

He took the shot.

“Next candle! This one is blue. It says Midnight Rain on it, so I think the flavor is midnight rain,” He took the lid off. “Three wick again, because we rollin in the money. Second sniff of the night!”

He continued like this, until there were seven lit candles on the table in front of him.

Candle #8 was giving him problems.

“Is that?” Sniff. “Do I detect a hint of lemon?” Sniff. “Some white chocolate, perhaps?” Sniff. “This one is really ruffling my fur. I think it’s time to call in a second opinion. Hey Siri, text the following to Little Bitch. ‘Emergency at the big house. Come quick. Yes this is an order.’ Send message.” Jacob leaned back, a smile on his face. “And now we wait for Seth.”

Bella appeared just out of frame, holding a glass of water. “Please drink this.”

“Bella! My oldest friend. You’re just in time!” He grabbed Bella’s arm and tried to pull her down to sit next to him.

“No, please-“

He pulled her down anyway. Jacob looked into the camera. “Okay my little ruff babies, this is what you all wanted, right? Your favorite member of the Ruff Bois Cinematic Universe is here!”

Bella rolled her eyes. “I am not the favorite.” Jacob just pointed to the chat. Bella’s eyebrows went up. “…I guess I am the favorite.”

“It’s whatever!” Jacob waved his hand, pretending not to be bitter about the whole thing, even though sometimes it kept him up at night. “Like, I broke both legs in a freak zamboni accident that happened while we were filming last month. I give my literal blood sweat and tears to the channel and where am I on the favorite list? Second?”

“I feel like Seth is second.”

“Okay well let’s do a damn Twitter poll then, bitch.” Jacob said, grabbing his phone.

Bella stared at her friend with a sad look in her eyes. “Tragic. Everyone press F for respects.”

Jacob threw his phone back down. “The poll is live, you guys have until the end of this live stream to vote for your second favorite member of the RBCU. In case you’re new here my Twitter is @actualwerewolf2005. All one word.”

“I’ve been meaning to ask, what’s the significance of 2005?”

“2005 was the best year of my life.”

“Oh. And then…?”

“And then 2006 hit and fuck, you know?” He drank right out of the tequila bottle. He nodded to the unlit candle on the table. “Can you tell me what that smells like?”

“The label says Christmas Cookies.”

“Yeah, but what does it smell like?”

“Probably Christmas cookies, Jacob.”

Jacob sighed. She just didn’t get it. “Is Edward home?”

“Yeah, do you want to expose him to this train wreck?” She asked nicely, as if she were asking a dog if it wanted to go for a car ride.

Jacob nodded.

“EDWARD!” Bella yelled. No answer. “EDWARD DON’T MAKE ME DIVORCE YOU!”

Edward appeared at the top of the stairs. “Please don’t divorce me as a joke again, Emmett was such a bad lawyer, you got custody of Seth.”

Bella smiled. “Come smell this candle and I won’t have to.”

Edward sighed. He made his way down the stairs and sat on Bella’s other side on the couch. “Hello Jacob.” He said, offering Jacob a polite head nod.

“Hey girl, what that mouth do?” Jacob said with no hesitation. He laughed at himself. “Just kidding. I know exactly what it do.” Jacob looked directly into the camera, a very serious expression on his face. “Kill. It kill.”

“Jacob!” Edward said, as if he were scolding a child. “You’re live!”

“Oh, whatever, the secrets pretty much out, I’ve read the forums!”

“Jacob!” This time it was Bella scolding him.

“Just sniff the candle, you bitch!” Jacob yelled.

“I will sniff the candle when I am good and ready to sniff the candle.” Edward crossed his arms and sat back against the couch. He pouted.

They waited in silence.

“Okay, I’m ready now.” Edward said after about three minutes. He picked up the candle and examined it. He shook it around methodically as if it were a fine glass of wine. Jacob rolled his eyes.

Edward finally took a sniff of the candle. “Hmm… when was this poured?”

“2016, I checked already.” Jacob reached for the tequila bottle. Bella slapped his hand away.

Edward nodded, impressed. “That’s a good pour.”

“Yeah, I know it’s a good pour, string cheese boy!” Jacob fired back.

“Why does everyone keep calling me string cheese boy?”

“Because it’s what you are!” Jacob finally got a hold of the tequila. He took a big swig. “Okay, Seth is obviously taking his sweet time, so let’s stall for a minute. Edward, what’s your biggest fear?”

“My biggest fear? That’s a little personal to share on the internet, don’t you think?”

“Well,” Jacob hiccupped, and continued. “I’ve already told my audience on multiple occasions that my biggest fear is the crumbling democracy and the rise of white terrorism, so I think it’s fair that we all get it out there.”

Edward thought about it for a moment. Before he could decide on something, Bella spoke up.

“Actually, I think I know. Can we say it at the same time?”

“Oh I know too.” Jacob said confidently.

“Ok, Edwards worst fear on three,” Bella smiled. “One, two, three! Getting his hair wet in a public setting!”

“Getting his hair wet in a public setting!” Jacob said at the same time. They high-fived each other.

“It’s Bella running off with a successful country singer, but okay.” Edward said, sniffing the candle again.

“Yeah, you should be.” Bella said rather hauntingly.

“Wait what? Should I be worried? Which one?”

“Shh, we’ll talk about it later.” Bella put a hand over his mouth.

“Okay Bella, your turn. Your worst fear.” Jacob said.

“Oh that’s too easy.” She flipped her hair. “I don’t have any fears.”

“Bullshit.”

“I don’t! What should I be afraid of? Death, no, aging, no, my food being poisoned by a jealous ex-lover, no, that’s like all the fears.”

Jacob just shook his head and kept drinking.

It was then that Seth ran into the front room. He was completely naked and unashamed of it. “What’s the emergency?” He asked, out of breath.

Jacob choked on the tequila.

“The emergency is the Ruff Babies just saw your dick, man.” Bella said.

Seth looked confused. “They what? How….” He looked down. Then he looked back up at the candles, the bottle of tequila in Jacobs hand, and the camera. He looked down again. A look of realization crossed his face. “Aw, beans!” Seth quickly jumped out of the shot, grabbing a blanket off of one of the armchairs and wrapping it around himself. “Warn a guy, will you? What’s going on?”

Jacob questioned his motives for a minute. “…I don’t actually remember why I texted you.”

“The candle.” Bella reminded him.

“Oh yeah, the candle. Can you come sniff this, please?” Jacob took the candle out of Edwards hands and held it towards Seth.

Seth walked back into shot, still covered by the blanket. “You mean to tell me,” he said. “That I ran here in the middle of the night and showed my penis to the internet to sniff a candle?”

“Yeah, how you feeling?”

“…Honestly, I’ve been worse.” Seth sighed. “Hey, Edward.”

“Oh my god, hey!” Edward said, extremely excited to have Seth there. “He’s so cool.” He whispered to Bella.

“Well, I’ll do it,” Seth said. “But you gotta give me some tequila first. I mean you technically bought it with my credit card.”

“I told you, it’s the communal wolf credit card, it’s all of ours. Your name is only on it because you had the best credit.”

“Jacob, thousands of people just saw me in all my glory, please let me have a shot.”

Jacob rolled his eyes. “Fine, but just know I’ve been drinking out of the bottle so you’re probably gonna get some of my spit in there.”

“Wait,” Edward interrupted. “Seth can’t drink, he’s like twelve.”

“Dude, I’m well into my twenties.”

“Twenty is not well into your twenties.” Bella said.

“I’m twenty and three quarters!”

“I don’t want to break the law while we’re livestreaming!” Edward gestured to the camera, where Jasper was still on his phone.

“Oh yeah, because underage drinking is worse than tax fraud.” Jacob laughed.

“JACOB! STOP SAYING WE’RE INVOLVED IN TAX FRAUD!” Edward yelled. “IF THE COPS INVESTIGATE US ITS YOUR FAULT AND WE’RE TAKING YOU DOWN WITH US!”

Bella rubbed Edwards back.

Jacob handed Seth a tequila shot. He took it, made a disgusted face, and then held his hand out for the candle. Jacob gave it to him.

Seth took a single sniff. “Oh, that’s Christmas cookies, man!”

“Oh, I knew it!” Jacob said. He grabbed the candle back from Seth and picked up a lighter. “Light a candle, take a shot!”

An hour passed. Jacob and Seth kept drinking and lighting candles, and Seth, still in just a blanket, sat down next to Edward, so Edward and Bella we’re sandwiched between them.

The drinks were catching up with the two boys, and it could easily be seen by the way the we’re trying to harmonize with each other by singing She Wolf by Shakira.

It wasn’t horrible.

“SHUT UP!” Rosalie yelled.

“YOU SHUT UP!” Jacob yelled back.

“Jacob,” Edward cut in. “I love Shakira as much as the next guy, but don’t you think you should go to bed?”

“You fucking string cheese…” Jacob whispered.

Bella, in the meantime, had been scrolling through her phone. “Seth, you’re trending on twitter.”

“I’m WHAT?” He took the phone. “Oh no! My mom is gonna be so mad!” His phone rang. “…OH NO!”

“Don’t answer it!” Jacob warned. “Last time my dick was on the internet, my dad turned off his WiFi for like two weeks.”

“It’s my mom, I have to answer it!”

“DONT!”

“Hello?”

“Oh, we’re in it now.”

“Mom, it’s fine- hey guys, I gotta take this outside! Mom, it’s not a big deal!” He got up and tried to walk outside, but he tripped over the blanket, and for just a second before he fell behind the couch, the world saw Seth Clearwater’s behind.

“OH, FUCK!” Seth yelled from the ground. “Sorry, mom, I didn’t mean-“

Emmett Cullen entered the living room. He was completely covered head to toe in blood. He stood in silence.

Jacob, Bella, and Edward turned around and stared. There was a beat of silence. “Hey, big guy,” Jacob said calmly. “Something happen?”

“I hit an artery again,” Emmet said sadly. He noticed the camera. “You doing a candle tequila haul?”

“…Yeah.”

“…What is up, gamers!”

Jasper looked up and noticed the scene for the first time. “God dammit, you guys. You’re making my job so hard. Someone go take Emmett out back and hose him down.”

“Someone just said vampire on here, you know the rules, Jacob, it’s time to shut it down.” Bella said, watching the chat.

Edward put his head in his hands. “Bella, you can’t say vampire.”

“I’m just reading what the chat says! It says vampire!”

“Come on, Edward,” Jacob defended her. “It’s not like she said vampire and werewolf!”

“EVERYONE STOP SAYING VAMPIRE!” Seth yelled, still on the floor.

“Hey guys?” Jasper said. “I think it’s time we call it a night.”

“Awwww,” Jacob cried.

“No, it’s gone too far, next people are gonna start pulling up old army pictures of me again and it’s gonna be a whole thing.”

“JASPER WE’RE LIVE!” Edward yelled.

“SHUT IT DOWN!” Seth added.

“Wait, we need to see who won.” Jacob said, scrolling through his phone.

“Won what?” Emmett asked. He still hadn’t moved from where he was standing.

“The twitter poll for the second favorite member of the Ruff Bois Cinematic Universe! Ah, here! The winner is…” he paused. He pursed his lips.

“Who does it say, Jacob?” Bella asked, a smile on her face.

“Who do you think it says?”

“I think it says Seth.”

Jacob tried to control his anger for a moment. “…Jasper, turn it off.”

“Was it me?” Seth asked, his head poking over the back of the couch.

“FUCKING OF COURSE IT WAS YOU, YOU SHOWED THEM YOUR WHOLE ASS! YOU CHEATED!” Jacob stood up. “IF THAT’S WHAT IT FUCKING TAKES!” He began to unbutton his pants.

“NO!” Edward screamed.

Bella ran towards the camera. “JASPER SHUT IT OFF-“

The live feed cut out.

“Bella Swan is so one-dimensional!!”

Bella Swan is first and foremost empathetic. She gives up her own comfort and happiness for her mother, directly off the bat. She places herself in danger for the people she cares about. She does things she may not want to and sacrifices for the people she loves. Did she want a graduation party?? No, but Alice wanted it, so she acquiesced. Did she want to move to Forks?? No, but she knew her mother would be happy on the road. Did she want to go to the beach? No, she could take it or leave it, but her friends wanted her to come.

This however, does not make her a pushover, by any means. Bella Swan is also incredibly stubborn! She sticks to her guns and she believes in fairness! She fights with Edward to go see her best friend! She argues with Jake to go to Italy! She makes a commitment and compromises on her own terms! She wants to go back to school after the car accident because, well, Edward gets to! If she believes in something enough she will dig in!

Bella Swan is an excellent judge of character! She does not make superficial judgements about people, but instead lets their actions speak for them. Mike is not a “golden retriever” because he’s blond, but because he follows her and helps her. Jessica is not judged on her femininity, but on her actions!! Bella very quickly learns that she is a gossip, and while Bella doesn’t approve, she also doesn’t try to change her. She could tell Angela was kind from the start! She can read people almost as easily as Edward does, Edward himself excepted.

Why is he excepted? Because Bella Swan is a teenage girl!!! In the beginning stages of their relationship, when they first meet, Bella Swan is so determined to ignore and even dislike Edward Cullen! She calls herself stupid for thinking of him, for wanting to stay in Forks to unravel his mysteries! She believes herself uninteresting or undesirable, even with the human boys following her!! Do you know how relatable that is?? How many teenage girls feel that way, no matter how much evidence they have to the contrary?? She can’t read him because she’s determined to believe she is the flat character she’s accused of being.

But she isn’t!! Bella Swan is also smart!!! She gets good grades, does her homework on time, studies, and is a fast learner at most things! She wants to ride motorcycles, and she figures out who can help her and then how to do it!! She reads all the time!! She re-learns human behavior quickly!! She is perceptive, and observant, and (despite several incredible memes to the contrary) is the only one to figure out the vampire thing!!

Bella Swan is independent!! She taught herself to cook!! She can shop effectively!! She likes solitude!! She reads in the backyard in the sunshine ALONE!!!!

Bella Swan is well-rounded. Say what you will of Twilight’s other critiques, many of which are very valid but I challenge those who dislike the protagonist to ask themselves why? What about her is it?

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 Extended Edition (2011)

And how their kids felt about it:

They’ve been dating for about two years by the time Bella moves to Forks.

They were too scared to tell anyone except Harry and Sue so technically it’s a secret but damn they are not as slick as they think

Jacob found out after a few months but didn’t tell his dad he knew

He did tell his sisters that he was pretty sure their dad was dating someone, but never said who. They were both emotional about it, they never thought that Billy would move on in all honesty.

Jake kinda snaps at them

“Look Dad is happy!! I haven’t seen him like this… ever! And it’s nice! You don’t have to approve or anything, but just be happy for him!”

Getting yelled at by their baby brother got them to actually think about it. If Billy happy, thats all that mattered.

When Rachel came out as a lesbian to Jake, he urged her to tell their dad, but she was reluctant

“Rachel, trust me on this.”

“It’s not that I don’t I just… I need time…”

(She was scared. She didn’t really know what Billy would think)

When Bella moved in it took her a month to figure out. Her dad always… warmed up when Billy was around.

It was like he wasn’t holding his breath. He was openly grinning, shoulders relaxed. Charlie would leave his hands on Billy’s shoulder for a moment longer than necessary.

It made Bella happy- she had always worried that Charlie was much too lonely.

Jacob still gets a laugh when Bella asked him about their dads:

“Hey, uh, Jake? This make be a weird question but um…”

“What is it Bells?”

“Are…. are our dads like dating?”

Jacob had raised his eyebrows at her which made her backtrack and trip over her words, her hands waving about. Finally, he burst out laughing.

“Yeah, they are. They think I don’t know, like they can keep secrets.”

Jake did have a little bit of a crush on Bella for like a week before realizing like she would probably end up being his stepsister. His feelings quickly turned to friendship and eventually they began treating each other as a sibling

One night after Billy and Jake had came over to the house, Bella turned to her dad and said

“I’m really glad you have him Dad. You two are perfect together.”

“You really think so?”

There were some tears happening, but they both attempted to pretend there wasn’t. They did share a hug afterwards.

When Charlie told Billy that Bella knew, Billy finally went to tell his children. Jacob was first, ofc

“Dad, I’ve known.” Jacob rolled his eyes as he leaned over to wrap his arms around his dad’s shoulders. “I love Charlie, he’s awesome and he makes you happy. And it’s cool that Bells is, like, my sister.”

Rachel and Rebecca had visited over Thanksgiving break (they don’t celebrate obviously but it’s nice to see family)

On Thursday, Charlie and Bella came over to ‘watch the game’

Rachel immediately picked up some vibes between her dad and Charlie. She stared down Jacob until he shrugged and gave her a wide smile

“Rebecca… I’m pretty sure dad’s dating Charlie Swan.”

“Holy shit. No. He isn’t. He’s- holy shit. You think so?”

“The vibes between them are strong. I’m pretty sure Jake knows too, that little shit.”

It had been difficult for them to wrap their heads around their dad with someone other than their mom, but figuring out it was Charlie? The man who was always around, the man that felt like a second father to them? Rebecca and Rachel were happy for their dad- for both of them.

“So… are you two together?” Rachel asked as she watched the football players… do something, munching on a cookie that Emily Young had dropped off earlier in the day.

Billy coughed and rubbed at his cheek before answering, “yes”

Rachel and Rebecca took turns hugging Billy and Charlie

With Charlie being more present in their lives, and Jacob coming closer and closer to changing, Billy told him about Quilete legends. He would wait to explain that they were real, though.

Despite never quite approving of Bella’s relationship with Edward and the Cullen’s, when they left, Billy was quick to join in on the Keep Bella Happy and Functioning Club

When Jake turned, Charlie and Bella were told by Billy. Bella was quick to just accept it. Vampires and werewolves, alrighty then.

Bella explains that… well… the Cullen’s are vampires.

first things first- ANYTHING with the loch ness monster on it, she owns. Posters, shirts, jackets, shoes, folders, buttons, iron-ons, there is always at least 5 pieces of Nessie merch on her at all times

once she gets old enough to start high school, the cover story is her and Edward are siblings that Carlisle and Esme took in, and sometimes her classmates will ask her what her biological parents were like and she will flat out be like 'oh, they're vampires' and Edward and Bella are like. 5 feet away trying not to scream

every Halloween she'll show up to school in an elaborate Nosferatu costume

goes out of her way to photobomb people in increasingly ridiculous ways so there will Always be a photographic record of her and in like 100 years she can get a huge kick out of teens on the internet trying to make a conspiracy about her

joins as many school clubs as she can, even if she has no interest in them- she just Really wants a concrete record of herself to exist lmao

ICONIC at school theater though. One of those demon theater kids that come to rehearsal purely to cause chaos and nothing else, but her voice is incredible so she secures every lead. One time she somehow managed to star in a show while also playing in the school band for it- her classmates still have no idea how she pulled it off

Always brings blood out in public in a CLEAR THERMOS and it stresses her family out so much but everyone else thinks she's just like, weirdly into tomato juice so the Cullens can't stop her

to everyone's surprise...her biggest chaos enabler is Jasper lmao. everyone thought he'd be a logical, responsible uncle but they're just. A Problem together. He'll 100% assist her in any prank she wants to pull, he gets her fake id's when she wants to sneak into a club with friends, he bails her out of jail without telling her parents, they figured out if she gets high and he reads her feelings he'll get high too and it's. So fucking funny.

she's always carrying some random instrument around school- like for a while it's a guitar or a harmonica, fine, but then she'll start lugging a cello around, a tuba (she doesn't even play, she stole it off a guy who was annoying her) and it escalates until one day she's wheeling a piano around the building. no one's even sure how she got in in the doors of the school. She keeps running kids over in the hallway with it

You know the Catherine Tate Lauren Cooper skit with David Tennant? Where she's being a terrible student and then perfectly recites Shakespeare? 100% Nessie

when she starts getting dates Jacob keeps trying to wing man and be over supportive and give her a ton of girl advice and it's embarrassing as hell so one day when he was on a spiel about How To Woo A Lady she looks him in the eyes and goes 'oh really? did that work on my mom?' and the Cullens fucking LOSE IT. Jacob had to go live in the woods for a few days because he couldn't cope

Emmet and Jasper: arrive to school in their jeep. Rose and Alice: arrive in a convertible. Edward: arrives in his dumb volvo. Bella and Jake: arrive to school on motorcycles. Nessie: arrives to school on a unicycle while juggling

one year she ended up getting nominated for prom queen and Edward read the minds of the teachers tallying the votes so he knew she won and he and Bella were so excited!! they're like we're gonna take so many pictures of our baby looking like a princess! And then she emerges from her room, actually drenched in pigs blood. Like she just did it to herself and went to the dance and accepted her crown like that

she regularly commits crimes against fashion. If she comes out of her room and sees Alice contemplating turning herself over to the Volturi, she KNOWS she's picked a great look

somehow gets ahold of Aro's cell number and sends him selfies of her blatantly breaking vampire laws captioned 'whatcha gonna do'. he keeps blocking her but she keeps managing to get through to him somehow

she illegally sells soda out of her locker and does people's homework for cash, while also paying other people to do her homework for her. she organizes every single senior prank. she's never gotten a detention in her whole immortal life because every teacher just Adores her for some reason

had 100% used her powers for deserved evil before. Like, if someone's being a dick at school, she'll sneak into their room at night and give them nightmarea threatening them to be a better person lol

sometimes she'll show up at the hospital unannounced and ask Carlisle, in front of his coworkers, 'yo can I raid the blood bank?'

her bedroom looks like a library. every wall, floor to ceiling books.

she's been publishing trashy romance novels under a fake name for almost 40 years now and no one in her family knows

one birthday Jacob takes her on a trip to vegas and they get wasted, at some point they were laughing about how ridiculous their lives are and they're like 'wouldn't it be fucking hilarious if we had a baby'. they then black out, hangover style, and wake up like a week later with a payment on her card to a fertility clinic. Jacob's like 😱 and Ness is just like 'you get to be the one to explain this to my parents'

Their kid is absolutely hilarious, they were correct, and at some point they realized 'wait...drinks blood..doesn't sparkle...can shape shift...we've somehow created a classic pop culture vampire' lmao

Edward had to threaten them to get them to not name the kid Vladimir

Also to be clear: Nessie and Jacob have the EXACT same dynamic as Will and Grace. that's canon.

says its her goal to star in a live action all female production of mamma mia and Carlisle is like 'honey you know you can't do anything on broadway or in hollywood' and she's like, 'no, in real life. I'm gonna go to greece and attract a bunch of women with abba songs' and he's like,,,,,ah

she loves all music but she goes out of her way to Only play stuff she knows Edward hates lmao

one day she remembers she doesn't need to breathe and can see under water and just. books herself a ticket to scotland and Finds The Loch Ness Monster

she actually personally finds a lot of monsters and cryptids like her hybrid aura just attracts all kind of weird shit and she LOVES it. She stops writing trashy romance novels and starts writing autobiographies of her traveling and hanging out with paranormal beings and everyone just assumes its fiction so she becomes a best selling fantasy author lmao

100% she's very into witchy stuff and only like...half in a trendy way. She's like what if on top of everything I've got going on I can cast spells? Think I deserve that power

when she's a couple decades old she catches Edward looking grossed out one day and she asks him what's up and he's like 'I really dont need to hear what creepy teachers think about my daughter' and she's like. oh. Dad we are gonna get SO MANY pedophiles arrested shdndjdn she gets him to expose teachers and she baits them then calls the police. queen.

She finds out she can get tattoos but they fade completely out of her skin within 5 years so she's always getting crazy tats

posts selfies on social media of her just like. hanging out with mountain lions or chilling on top of the space needle. her classmates think they're all photoshopped obvi but it drives her family insane

imagine you're 15 and you're on a nice hike in the woods and you come across your one classmate half naked, sacrificing a bear in some ritual, blood dripping down her face, bigfoot chilling on the rocks behind her filming the ritual on her phone...like on one hand, what would you do, but on the other hand. you've known this girl for a bit and you aren't surprised at all

[blushes profusely] oh wow, thank you!!!  i’m so glad you’ve trusted me enough to check out some of the stuff i reblog; that is like the ultimate compliment, i can’t even???  i don’t mind at all(!), fair warning though: i only started recording what i read partway through last year and my mind is like a sieve so i’ll do my absolute best to remember what’s sang to me in the recent past.  warning number two: i’m in an open relationship with absolutely every genre out there so i’ll try to note which belongs where so you can avoid those that hold no interest for you.

LGBT+

i’ll give you the sun.  i loved this book, the writing is fucking transformative and all the characters are so damn likable, while still being realistically flawed human beings.

the raven cycle (tetralogy).  definitely my favorite series since harry potter.  the writing, the world-building, the characters, it’s all on top-form.  i wrote a little, mini non-spoilery review of it: here, back when i was better (worse?) wordly-wise and my feels were brand new.

more happy than not.  i’m still not sure how i feel about this book.  it was hard, but it felt very true to the characters and the lingo and style matched the ages of the players and i have a lot of respect for that.

the watchmaker of filigree street.  woooow i loved this book.  i admit ‘historical fiction’ kind of makes me cringe.  it never precludes me from reading a book but it does knock it down the list by a book or five because they’re often very dense and very clunky and end up taking me ages to get through.  but this one was gorgeous.  i loved the plot, the attention lovingly placed on every character and the historical elements.  the surprise gay in an already brilliant book felt like winning the lottery honestly.

captive prince (trilogy).  okay, truthfully, i’m only putting this on here because the second book is such a high point for me.  it was never bad at any point but it had unfortunately been hyped far too much for it to live up to my, admittedly, very high expectations.  hopefully it’ll fare better with you?

everything i never told you.  i go back and forth on this one.  i like the writing a lot, i like the LGBT aspect a lot, and i like the mystery aspect a lot but there are definitely characters i would cut out entirely for sheer predictability if i could and that killed a lot of my enjoyment at the time (but i think much more highly of it in retrospect?).  so, take that as you like.

aristotle and dante discover the secrets of the universe.  if there’s a book that handles its characters with more care or respect or consideration then i haven’t run into it.  i love the way this is written and the people it’s populated with.

flying lessons & other stories.  a bunch of uber talented authors writing a bunch of uber diverse and LGBT-focused stories and, yes, that is exactly as awesome as it sounds.

the song of achilles.  it is utterly heart-breaking but so rich, honestly.

FANTASY

the diviners.  (also has a minor LGBT character, who may play a bigger role in the sequel?)  fair warning, i have not read the sequel, lair of dreams, because it is somehow still not out in paperback (yes, i read physical books, yes, i pretty exclusively read paperbacks so i can lug them everywhere with me, YES, I PRE-ORDERED THIS ALMOST TWO YEARS AGO AND IT’S STILL NOT OUT, NOT THAT I’M BITTER ABOUT THAT OR ANYTHING) so i can’t speak to that one finishing on a high note as i don’t know.  but this was the first historical novel i managed to like in a long while.  it does such a good job of fusing in 1920s lingo and dress and aspects that i couldn’t help but love it.  add in the fantasy elements and i can admit i’m the perfect sucker for it.

the scorpio races.  i’m not sure why but it took me a long-ass time to get into this book, i wasn’t flipping pages with gusto until well towards the end but - especially as i was reading so much YA at the time - i really appreciated coming across a romance that lets both people come into it as themselves and stay themselves, neither puck nor sean were ever smashed or crumpled or shaved away to fit into their relationship, which was so refreshing.  plus the water horses were fucking cool.

the night circus.  the writing, the atmosphere, the circus.  just… it is all very whoa.

all the birds in the sky.  i loved this writing style and these characters and the magical elements.

CONTEMPORARY

i’ll meet you there.  there was something about this and i just… ended up liking it way more than i expected to.  i might’ve just read it at exactly the right time, i’m not sure, but i really enjoyed it.

the invoice.  this is honestly just hella cute and so freaking surreal.  swedes, man.

NON-FICTION

why not me?  i like mindy kaling a lot.  i make no apologies for that.  plus you can read both her books in about five seconds, haha.

SCIENCE FICTION

station eleven.  i loved this book.  the way the narrative is woven is so refreshing and i wish the comic book miranda was writing in this book was a real thing more than anything else in the woooorld.

illuminae.  hot DAMN this book was cool.  the plot was rock solid, the characters were hilarious and badass and the graphics made out of text and spiraling words and just the way this thing is put together?  shit, it’s worth your money and then some.

a robot in the garden.  okay this is just cute as hell.  i can’t even with tang, he’s the most adorable robot to ever adorable.

annihilation (southern reach trilogy).  (LGBT minor characters.)  okay, honestly?  i don’t know.  this was freaking zany but i was invested as fuck in all the kookiness for reasons i can’t articulately elaborate on.

the martian.  hilarious, engaging, SPACE.  what more do you want?

HORROR

things we lost in the fire.  this is more atmospheric than anything but, damn, could this get me wishing i wasn’t reading this in the dark or looking over my shoulder to make absolutely sure no one was standing behind me.  it’s a book of short stories (by the way, i love books of short stories and i definitely realize that is not true for everyone) and each one is so well-delivered and stylized.  i really enjoyed reading this.

let the right one in.  okay, this is legit horror so definitely stay away if you’re easily squicked out but it is harrrrrd to find good horror (at least in my opinion) and this definitely, definitely qualifies.

horrorstör.  i honestly had such low expectations for this, a horror story set in a wannabe-ikea, but it ended up being so ridiculous and strange and funny that i was won over by the finish.

the girl with all the gifts.  holy unique and well-executed zombie idea, batman!

SHORT STORIES

the bigness of the world.  there were definitely ones here that hit better than others but the ones i liked, i really liked!

GRAPHIC NOVELS (i read a lot of these so, um, prepare yourself)

saga.  (LGBT minor characters as well.)  this is world-building to a degree that i’m convinced did not exist before.  just, i can’t say enough amazing things about this series and the staggering amount of imagination that regularly goes into it.

ms. marvel.  heart-warming as fuck.  it’s definitely really easy to lose faith in the world these days, luckily kamala is there to remind you that people are primarily and genuinely good.

black science.  this is another one that took just an insane amount of imagination to cook up.  i got off to kind of a rocky start with this one but the gray-ness of all the characters really speaks to me, and that doesn’t really blossom until later in the series.

spider-man/deadpool.  this was very satisfying for my super duper spideypool-shipping mind.  joe and ed did us so good, and joe basically said in his sign-off: i made it absolutely as gay as they would let me, haha.

the wicked + the divine.  (LGBT minor characters that you’re going to get way too attached to, and retroactively.  it’s awful [sobs].)  the concept for this, gods reincarnating into teenagers before they burn up their hosts after a predetermined set of time, is so fucking cool.  the humor and the characters and the plot is all just aces.

iceman (LGBT MAIN CHARACTER).  okay, so this just started.  like issue #2 was only released days ago but 1) i am liking it so far and 2) marvel did it so dirty and barely advertised bobby - an openly homosexual superhero - was getting his own series, like, i found out about it the day before it went on sale and i keep my ear fairly close to the ground (not as close as some BY A LOT, but closer than the lay person i’d say) so if you can support it, please do!  pre-orders mean a lot in terms of numbers. :))))

descender.  admittedly, this starts out rooough.  because the main character, TIM-21 (and his little dog too), are annoying as hell.  he’s an android so there’s no dimension to him so he’s booooring as all get out but i am so glad i stuck with it through to the next trade because, probably picking up on the unsustainability of him as a main character, he gets shuffled off and the side characters get the stage and they rock so hard.

paper girls. (LGBT main characters.)  i’m kind of just convinced that brian k. vaughan can do no wrong at this point.  his plots are so tight and mind-blowing and badass.

monstress.  here’s a little tid-bit about me: female comic book writers are 100% more likely to get my money and my time because they are so damn rare and this series is unique, badass, and eye-opening.

black monday murders.  i’m a little premature with this since there’s only one volume and i usually try to wait until there are at least two but i check up on a volume two a lot so that definitely means something intrigued me!

nailbiter.  okay, i haven’t read the final volume yet ‘cause i’m reluctant to let it go but, so far, a series about multiple serial killers all being from the same town has me VERY HOOKED.

you dove across the street and shoved Dante out of the way of a moving car? You think that just happened? I think you couldn’t stand the thought of losing him. You just couldn’t. Why would you risk your own life to save Dante if you didn’t love him?”

“Because he’s my friend.”

“And why would you go and beat the holy crap out of a guy who hurt him? Why would you do that? All of your instincts, Ari, all of them, tell me something. You love that boy.”

I kept staring down at the table.

“I think you love him more than you can bear.”

“Dad? Dad, no. No. I can’t. I can’t. Why are you saying these things?”

“Because I can’t stand watching all that loneliness that lives inside you. Because I love you, Ari.” My mother and father watched me cry. I thought maybe I was going to cry forever. But I didn’t. When I stopped, I took a big drink from my beer. “Dad, I think I liked it better when you didn’t talk.”

My mother laughed. I loved her laugh. And then my father was laughing. And then I was laughing.

- Him constantly whispering in your ear how much he loves you

- And how beautiful you look

- He’s really shy at first, since he’s never loved someone like he’s loved you

- So he’s not one for public displays of affection

- But he loves holding your hand

- And kissing your cheek

- He also will also buy you little gifs

- And blush when you thank him

- He also loves cuddling

- And will stroke your hair or trace little patterns into your skin

- Azriel will also love surprising you

- And not just with gifs, but with surprise dinners or picnics

- Because when you’re happy, he’s happy

- And in bed, he is solely focused on your pleasure

- Hand holding during sex

- And eye contact

- Azriel telling you how you make him feel

- And how he’s going to make you feel

- Afterwards, he’ll hold you in his arms

- And whisper to you that he loves you very, very much

- And that he’s so lucky to have found you

- You’ll also tell him how much he means to you

- And your favourite time is when you’re both together, alone, just enjoying each other’s company

Don’t think of Mor looking down at her own casual attire and immediately sending the boys out to distract the newcomer while she goes to her room.

Don’t think about Mor changing her outfit so she was just as dressed up as Feyre.