Personal Comatose

The highlight of my 2024 is definitely my birthday trip to Japan. I know I’ve always wanted to go here since I’ve first seen Lost in Translation, and yes, the movie could be a little problematic but it’s where I first fell in love with the country and the people in it.

I am 100% sure I’m going back there next year. I am in fact, looking for a ticket already as early as now.

I have come to this age where I've built everything I have right from the ground, by myself. I pride myself of being a resilient, independent asshole. I'll have to be honest, it is getting exhausting though. I am tired.

I have blocked my sister, the only family I have left in this godforsaken city, where I know no one. I am done always having to reach out and forcing connections that is not just there. I did the same thing to my father, and I am more than willing to do it again. I would rather be alone than to be with people that I don't feel welcome.

This façade of being strong can only last for so long. I just yearn for warmth, for acceptance. I want my soul to be understood without having to tell my sob story every fucking time. I am tired.

I am just afraid of being alone and this is why I've been making homes out of the wrong people all these years. I hopefully get to learn to love my own company someday, too. I know I have to. I have no choice.

It would just suck to spend the holidays alone yet again this year but dear god, hopefully by next year I'd have a much stronger love for myself to not feel bad about being stuck with it.

I don't want to go back to being numb again. I want to keep the intense desire of living for someone, the rush of going through my busy day because I just want to spend time with them, or just pretty much having a comforting solace to go to when I need it. I want to be stupidly in love with someone I wouldn't make any sense even to myself. I want to be unconditionally happy in scenarios I usually cringe at. I want to be fucking contented in the company of a constant. I want to fuck and be fucked by someone I want to wake up with at 3am just to look for food deliveries in wee hours. I want to love and I want to be loved.

I used to be fine with just being myself (I still am, don't misunderstand this) but having the taste of being human with actual feelings makes me hungers for more to this. I want to feel something. I want to feel something more.

It's not because I'm alone and all but I've been spending my birthdays as long as I could remember with friends (which I don't mind) or people who I no longer have in my life and I think it's about time I try to enjoy my own company.

Not to be dramatic or anything but I've been depending so much of my happiness and contentment on someone else's hands that I've began to become foreign with my own. I find myself waking up longing for a home I've never had which had me stuck in a constant and exhausting search only for me to end up overstaying my welcome in someone else's home and that's the last thing I would want to do. I want my home to be my home, finally.

Does this mean I would be locking my door to leave anyone knocking outside get too cold and tired? No. I'd say, I'll learn the spaces and corners of my own house without anyone else barging in and telling me which is which. I'd say, I'll leave it open and see who gets to have the patience to wait. I'd say, I'll learn how to be a rotting couch potato and be okay with it.