RATTA DI MERDA

does anybody want *udes?

tryina save up to help pay for a dentist appointment 👀

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i dont think anybody understands why i care so much about austin but its cos i saw a vulnerability that nobody else did. and yeah, a lot of that may have been a ploy to probably gain sympathy and forgiveness but there really were things he shared exclusively with me. the sort of stuff that he never even allowed himself to think about even, stuff hed never even said aloud until he told me. something that utterly shocked me and broke my heart. it doesnt excuse any of the things he did but he wasnt just a 2 dimensional asshole -- there was always more.

and maybe you could say the same about a lot of abusers but i dont know a lot of abusers as well as i knew him. our personalities blended, i knew him because i knew myself.

in hindsight, a lot of things now make sense. i wish i could stop picking that relationship apart but its all i really do. where would i be if i never met him? where would he be?

theres a string that connects both our hearts and no matter where i go it always feels like its slightly taught; i could be in the fetal position right on top of your grave and it still feels like im being pulled towards you. you were always a lucky person, it makes sense that you were blessed with the ocean that is my love. i cant move on. i dont want to. i do want to. its actually killing me to love you -- to miss you as much as i do. i used to be relatively healthy, except for a few minor things (i say minor but its not really, i just feel as though my past health problems have been dwarfed by my recent ones), but now all of my stress and emotional turmoil has poisoned my body. forget brokenhearted syndrome, people hyperfixate on that syndrome so needlessly. its really not as common as people like to believe it is. the real monsters are in the other well of complications that can arise from having a poisonous amount of stress hormones pumping through your body. but then again, maybe thats just me. only after being diagnosed with complexPTSD did i realize that i have been running on a high frequency of stress for over 50% of my life. way over a dozen sexual assaults, an embarrassing amount, and terrible groomer/abusers coming in and out of my life have left me so physically weak. when i do open up to people they call me strong but theres nothing strong about barely hanging on. it doesnt feel like strength. it feels like losing all the time. i feel like im dying most days. maybe i am. theres really something to be said about loathing a doctor visit because i know I'll be diagnosed with an incurable nonfatal disease. its just... i dont know, why suffer endlessly? just because something isnt killing you doesnt mean it hurts any less. if these horrible symptoms were working up to something i feel like that would be at the very least a little bit relieving. but what do i know. thats probably very insensitive to say.

and in my dreams, even then, i cant escape my stressors. i have been having some graphic, violent, painful, frightful night terrors. it feels like every atom in my body is screaming at me -- pleading -- that i should relax but i cant. i really never learnt how.

ive been feeling so lonely lately too. fresh out of a break up and i found myself making a new friend. this friend really made a solid attempt at making me feel better on a daily basis and eventually ended up falling in love with me. he promised me the world. that he wouldnt give up for a year until my lease was up, obviously id need time to repair whatever my latest abusive ex destroyed of me, but that my friend wasnt going to let up because he was convinced he could make me happy if we lived together -- and that we were meant for a life with each other.

of course, i didnt buy it. i kept telling him hed get sick of me. or that hed just get bored waiting. lo and behold, after a few months, theres just radio silence from his end. we didnt fight. which kind of makes it feel worse? i mean, ill give him credit where credit is due, he lasted way longer than i expected him to. but ultimately i was right. and yeah, maybe i could make an effort to reach out and nothings as simple as it seems; december's a difficult time for him, things happen. i get it. but its still hurtful for him to just drop me after saying hed give me the undivided attention i wanted. and december's a fucking hard month for me too, its my late boyfriend's birth month. obviously, talking about something like this is the only way to resolve how i feel. whether it be by just cutting ties entirely or talking more again. and i sort of tried. its just hard for me to express myself to others sometimes. ive been through a whole lot and, i guess, so has he but the difference between us is that what ive been through isnt just in the past -- it happened just recently too. in fact, its been an ongoing shit tornado for my whole fucking life. while hes had a lot of time to heal and learn how to communicate his feelings without clamming up like me, ive been tortured by my partners. punished for any contrary emotion. in trouble for everything i say. i dont think he gets that. or maybe he forgot. even though he promised he wouldnt.

i know communication is the only way to fix something like this... in fact, its often times the best remedy for most problems. but its just so hard. my fight or flight gets triggered and i either feel passive-aggressive (which im unsure if hes even picked up on that as he would say im much nicer than i think i am) or i freeze and i literally can barely get myself to say anything. i push myself so hard just to say things like "okay" because i really care about what he thinks and how he feels. its just not enough. i think he was waiting for me to call him first or text him first. but i cant get myself to do that either. ive trained myself to spot manipulative tactics for when i was with my shitty exes but sometimes things that arent manipulative get caught in my net and ill quietly freak out about it. i felt like he was just trying to train me like a dog to call first because he wanted to feel wanted. so i guess my reaction was to wait him out until he called first.

i keep thinking about one of our last conversations in which he asked if i had feelings for him and i said no (again, ive explained to him that right now im not looking to be with anybody and even if i wanted to i dont think i would be able to see anybody in that light). and i cant help but to think that a lot of the dynamic in our friendship has changed since then. whats funny is that he was starting to get to me, i was trying to enjoy his company as more than just a friend despite not being ready. i think i wouldve said no even if i had the biggest crush on him. was i wrong for that?

and then i get to thinking, well, how dare he put this on my plate? knowing full well what kind of an abusive ass relationship i just came out of and still love bombing me and then doing what feels like the rubberband trick on me? why? why cant i just have a moment's peace? he knows my friendships are full of problematic people too, that i simply only seem to fill one role: that of a rug, to be endlessly stepped on.

it wouldnt even be a problem if i wasnt in such a vulnerable place. nobody makes sense to me. im better off alone.