word for word

but all the time,

the voice inside me would call me

sad

cold

selfish

childish

estranged...

unsettling...

weird...

weird-

weird.

"weird."

I'm not weird.

I'm walking.

I'm... I am... taking a step at a time

I am a lot of things

I am a whiteboard

I am a pen on a piece of paper

I am a watering can

I am too many things

I am not unchanging.

I am sad

I am kind

I am unnerving

Sometimes I am blind

I am a squid

With the tiniest arms

Reaching out

For whatever it could find

I am everchanging

Bulan sabit yang jatuh di pelataran Bintang redup tanpa cahaya gemintang Langkah tanpa arah sesat di jalan yang terang Aku yang terlena dibuai pelukan dosa

Ingin pulang membalut luka hatimu 'Ku pun tahu betapa pedih batinmu Beri kesempatan atau jatuhkan hukuman Andai maaf pun tak kau berikan

Air mata tulus jatuh di sudut bibirmu Tak terlintas dendam di bening mata indahmu (limpid/transparent) Aku yang merasa sangat berdosa padamu Masih pantaskah mendampingimu?

Biarlah bulan bicara sendiri Biarlah bintang 'kan menjadi saksi Takkan kuulangi walau sampai akhir nanti Cukup derita sampai di sini

The crescent moon sinks to the horizon The stars feel shadowy, without their gleam Aimless steps, lost on a lit-up path I sleep, coddled in sin’s embrace I wish I could come back to aid the wound in your heart For I too know how much pain you’re in Give me a chance or decide for me If I am not even worthy of your forgiveness

Heartfelt tears drip down from the corners of your lips

Not a sight of spite in those limpid eyes of yours

I feel that I have wronged you so much

Am I still worthy of staying by your side?

Let the moon speak for itself

Let the stars bear witness

Never will I go over this again (‘til the end of time)

Segalanya kaku

Hati terus menangis

Bila mengenangkan

Dirimu telah tiada

Everything is still

This heart keeps crying

Whenever it thinks

Of you, who has gone away

Kau pergi tanpa pesan

Tinggal aku sendiri

Menghitung hari

Tiada daya dimamah sepi

You left without a word

Leaving me all alone

Counting the days

No strength against the loneliness

Duhai kekasih hati

Katakanlah padaku

Bahwa semua ini

Hanya igauan mimpi

Dearly beloved

Please tell me

That all of this

Is just a mere dream

Aku tak sanggup, kasih

Kehilangan dirimu

Walau sedetik rindu mencengkam

Terasa pedih

I can’t bear, love

To lose you

Even if this yearning comes for a mere moment

It hurts too much

Doaku kasih kita bersua

Di pintu syurga

I pray, my love, we meet again

At heaven’s door

Notes:

the song was performed lived for a national singing competition on 18th January 2015, the singer dedicated her performance to the victims & their families of the MH370 flight that went missing on 8th March 2014.

during the performance, Dayang & her accompanying guitarist were wearing white outfits, like clouds.

an audio clip said by the pilot of flight MH370 was played at the of the performance. To quote Captain Zaharie Ahmad Shah, “Good night Malaysian three-seven-zero”

As a child, I used to think that once I’ve reached adulthood, I’d already be mature. As with all children. Now, going on 25, that was a bust. Huge lie.

I used to think I’d figure things out once I’ve reached my 20s “there’d be no more worries since I’d learned all this in school (lmao)”

Again, huge lie.

17, I used to think dreaming of fairy-tales would be childish. 18, I started saying no to things deemed “made for children.” 19, I turned Peter Pan & refused to accept that my 20s were approaching… & I turned 10 once more.

But why did I do it?

I didn’t like the denial. Saying I can’t be happy anymore. I can’t even have dreams or hopes of some sort of warmth in my future. The thought that I’d be grinding all my life, not knowing if I’ll ever reach a stable point (in numerous aspects) sometime in my 30s made the whole “adulthood” illusion seemed like a jail entry than a rite of passage.

In truth, I was scared. Terrified. I’ve lost a few permanent teeth, but I can still feel the sting there every time I think about what I’d do once I’m out of the house.

Adulthood seemed like… a nest of lies. Nosey noses. Bragging about leaving… what? Happiness? Your source of joy? Why would anyone do that so… willingly?

Maybe it was an edgy phase, denying those with a happy outlook as delusional. They’re not, really. At least the kinder & more accepting ones. As far as I know, those ones have mostly gone through hardships, have lived harder than most… life has made them resilient but forgiving as well.

I looked up to Disney’s Cinderella for the same reason. She was never stupid, she just had things more important than her own freedom, so she stayed.

Now, somewhere in the last few years, I realized that age is just a number when talking about maturity.

Oh yeah. Maturity…

Well… I don’t think I’ll ever be seen as one with maturity.

That’s out of the bag. Out of the question. Out in the ocean. And I’m a mountain with no beaches or piers for miles. I’m mainland China.

I guess I’ll just make do with accepting what I should do, what I enjoy doing & being grateful that the adults around me made me feel secure in their best ways as I grew up… & naturally, I hope I can do the same around the kids around me today. Gotta keep the illusion going.

 The M in Maturity stands for Mystery to me.