#nue wrote

happy

warm

kind

mature

welcoming...

nobody listens in this house of thrusted greatness of lost trust gained are fears from nonexistent risks that was never here or had been creeping for so long into the walls of our hearts like ghosts fragile brittle glass-like... ghost...s.

making tiny, tiny sounds so many, many sounds too many sounds deafening these ears are numb now dumb

I'm jealous

Of everyone

And everything

I'm not

Jealous

Of being

Or seeing

I'm not

Tired

Of saying I'm not

Jealous or anything

Because I don't feel like

is a privilege

how impossibly strong

this wish to not be

to be -

not even a pebble on the street

not even a flower

not even the air that flows

this heart

wishes nothing more

than to have never existed

to not even know what sound sounds

when my dad passed, I felt weird for a bit because even when I knew he obviously tried his best, I grew up feeling a bit of a weird hate for him.

despite the murky feelings, the fact that he raised me was something I can't take away

& now - I can say that I loved him regardless of his flaws.

the first few months my grieving process was filled with guilt more than memories.

it wasn't until a song, Lemon, came out & I was in enough with my grieving process that I could tell myself "well, he's gone now, I'm grown, I think I should take the good he gave, & try my best with whatever he lacked, he'd like that".

started reading a manga too.

maybe because I'm slow with my own feelings that it took me external triggers for me to actually put my own emotional struggles into perspective.

Maturity.

I wonder if I’ll ever be

Even in the vicinity

Of maturity.

I haven’t been able to do much lately.

Same as always, this slump has given me no room to move this aching pit in my heart away. I want to be happy, but those would mean for me to leave everything behind.

I’d do it. I would…

But the thought of her having to go through it again… having a child leave her again… I couldn’t bear.

Or maybe I could – I’ve done it hundreds of times before –

In this sick head of mine.

In an unknown place, where no one can find me, I’d live alone.

 It’d be lonely, but it’d be the only familiar thing I have left from my own home; loneliness… is more often my company in crowds.

Loneliness… is something I’ve made friends with, because of the comfort it brings in the quiet.

 I know - years back I came to realise that what I was seeking was not loneliness, but solitude. A solitude that would put me at ease.

With security.

Always been a dream I’d dreamt countless times:

Somewhere out there, there’s a me I dreamt as, living a life full of bliss… in a solitude we both craved since young. Somewhere out there, acceptance came filled with a peaceful life full of contentment.

Somewhere…

I feel bad that it is never here; where I am. It never was here.

In a place I so love from the bottom of my heart, I could not find myself wanting to stay.

You’ll still miss those who are gone. You’re human. We’re human.