not safe for anyone

my fingers trace the contours of your body the mountains of your shoulders the valleys of your collarbones the canyon of your throat underneath the hill of your adams apple the rivers of your veins course over the inside of your arms when you’re excited they flood and i lick from them

“are you okay?” i asked aloud but i couldn’t hear with the ringing in my ears and your eyes your eyes your eyes boring into mine mouth agape ourselves combined pulsing clenching “look at me” you say but i’m too afraid with the ringing in my ears and your eyes your eyes your eyes bore into mine unflinching unwavering the terrifying thought sweeps across the folds of my brain that this could be real this could be it i wonder if your eyes your eyes your eyes are trying to tell me the same thing

but then his eyes roam over mine search into the darkest deepest parts and i take the knife and start again.

NOW: starting from scratch. saying you’re sorry. seeing what chemistry we actually have. drinking margaritas. recapping white lotus. surprise me with salsa. knowing each other already but not really knowing where to go from there. haven’t felt comfortable telling you that yet. i myself turning 30 and knowing that i dont want children. don’t even really know if i want to get married either. seeing a fuck ton of videos with tarot telling me that it’s my motherfucking time and not believing them because it led me astray the first time. wanting to have you over just to feel what it’s like to be in your arms again. knowing that i need to guard my heart before believing anything you say or do.

i saw your face i should’ve swiped left i should have swiped left i should have swiped left curiosity killed the god damn cat because i swiped right and we matched well…that will have to wait another day “__ messaged you” a notification rang pinged dinged into my skull “hey…i’m sorry…” you? sorry? for what? because instead of becoming a friend a simple friend after being more a ghost has come back to haunt me i’ve never been a fan of horror movies but this terrifying feature might be the scariest i’ve seen

on private

name on the top left corner of the screen doesn’t even register to me i see his face i’ve seen his face where have i seen his face? i scroll and scroll the pictures aren’t the same he’s changed he’s changed he’s grown he’s aged we both have he’s now 32 and a taurus too i’ve seen his face i remember his voice “don’t worry, i got you” … he said that while getting on top of me to rock my world to rock my car i know him i know him intimately i remember him saying he got a new girl he’s going to try guess it didn’t work out or maybe it did and he’s finding someone on the side but number 18, i swiped right on you even though i most definitely know that the feelings won’t be reciprocated they never are they never are

i don’t really know how to feel about any of this at all all i can think of is your hands wrapping around my throat yanking my head back by my hair to kiss my neck “you are so soft” you say, your fingers dancing across my skin stroking and gripping your kisses your kisses your kisses enough to tide me over until i see you again

constant but not consistent i remind myself so what he doesn’t respond to my text messages for several days at a time because of course it leaves me wanting grasping at straws for the next time he’ll send a mediocre text i make an excuse for him saying “ur” he’s busy too busy to type two more measly letters but my opinion doesn’t matter why should it we’re nothing more than what we are and what we are confuses my aorta and the valves in my pumping heart doesn’t it mean it’s okay? that his communication is constant, but not consistent? that’s what the people online say that i shouldn’t know everything about him from a conversation over the phone but i knew every inch of his body before i learned his real first name

there is always a lightbulb moment where everything changes in a book and the main character realizes…fuck, i love this person. even if they try to deny it, excuse it, or insist that the love is truly not for them. that they don’t deserve this amazing, mind-blowing, forever and always, till death do us part kind of love. except…isn’t that life? dropping the exact love of our life and every life or alternate and parallel universe that exists in front of our face when we least expect it.

i blinked my eyes open and woke up from the dreams of the men who shunned me away cast me out told me they like everything except for who i am i am someone of merit i am someone worthy i fucking deserve it but instead they see their hand trace the shape of the voluptuous body i encompass instead they hear the moans and cries of pleasure they inflict on me instead they taste the taste of themselves when i shove my tongue down their throat they feel that sticky sickly sweet pungent air of sex they can’t get enough … but what about me

if you wanted me, you would’ve made up your motherfucking mind don’t ask for a strong independent woman because you’ll get me a strong independent B L A C K woman

I know we talked about dating with the intention of a long-term commitment and relationship. I also understand sex and intimacy is how you show love. We can be proactive about making sure when we’re on dates that we focus on learning more about each other and seeing if we are a good match for one another. I think what I’m afraid of is that we have sex and then it changes the dynamic of how we continue dating. That you fall for my body more instead of me as a person? I know you said you were going on dates with other people, so I guess I don’t want to be shelved into the category of someone you’re dating and sleeping with rather than someone you’re looking to form a relationship with. I don’t know if that makes sense.

right now?

i say all that and then i think, fuck how serious does that shit sound considering i’m the one that wants to take things slow. i totally understand if you don’t want to see me after this, i probably sound insane. i’m sorry

i want to take things slow

get enough