novi

You can ask how long it will take for the pizza to get to you, and they will tell you how far away a dispatcher is.

My flat-mate’s date for the night was almost as drunk as her.  She had passed out in her room and locked the door.  He refused to leave because he wanted to have sex.  He also demanded food because he was dealing with “whiskey dick”.  He didn’t like the lack of food in the fridge.  I called 911, did the stuff stated above, and he was getting PISSED about how long the “order” was taking.  He took my phone, demanded they “hurry the fuck up”.  Police arrived two minutes later, arrested him, and helped me file a police report.  Pressing charges wasn’t necessary because he had warrants on him from THREE different states for the very thing he planned to do to me.  Several months after this happened one of the officers informed me he was charged with two felonies because he crossed stay lines, and will be serving no less than 35 years in prison.  The officer ripped into my flat-mate about her bringing home complete strangers, while drunk, knowing full well this shit could happen. 

This was 14 years ago.  

Do the pizza order, do it as calmly as you can.  The dispatcher I spoke to said things like this:

“If he’s drunk say you want mushrooms.”  I said I want extra mushrooms.

“If he’s threatening you with sexual assault say you want onions.”  I said I want onions.

She went like this with different toppings and sauces for a description of him, like pineapple if he’s blonde, black olives if he’s tall, extra large if he’s tall, etc.

Girlfriend recording: [annoyed] “Why is this nigga calling me! [walking towards boyfriend] “What?! What?! What the fuck is you doin’?!”

Boyfriend, trying to fit a timb into another timb: “Open this really wide, and I’mma push my foot in. Please. Just grab this right here- I already took the laces out. Grab this right here, go like that, and I’mma push my foot in.”

Girlfriend: [shouting angrily] “No I’m not fuckin’ helping you! Why are you doin’ that?!”

Boyfriend: [yelling] “Because it’s cold outside! Why else would I be doing it?! Simple math! People wear timbs in 60 degrees, it’s two times lower than 60 degrees today. Two pairs of timbs then! Now help me!”

Girlfriend: “I’m not fucking helping you!”

Boyfriend: “What are you my girlfriend for then?”

Girlfriend: [shouting] “You look stupid, my guy! I’m helping you not look stupid!”

Boyfriend: “No, I’mma look fleek.”

Girlfriend: “No one does that shit!”

Boyfriend: “Exactly!”

Girlfriend: “Because they don’t fit!”

Boyfriend: “Unique!” 

Girlfriend: “That’s not- you not doin’ math! They don’t fit, my guy! You got timbs the same size, they don’t fit!” 

Boyfriend: “Open just- “

Girlfriend: “Noooooo!”

Boyfriend: “You not even gonna try?”

Girlfriend: “No?!”

Boyfriend: “I got this, don’t worry.”

Girlfriend: “Cuz that’s stupidity!”