watashi dake?

ugh. so after idk week or more of watching only east asian cinema i decided to watch a non-asian film. the theme is nice, and the stories are interesting, and the author is the one i usually like. and the movie is not bad. and music is rather ok. and not a single asian on the screen. and omg i feel so tired. who could think that i would feel so tired and drained after 2hour of a movie without asians? like i really didnt expected that. im not sure that its ok. but like idk what can i do, its not that i can change something, can i, even when i go out theres no asians and like i feel bad bc of it. and now its hard to even watch non-asian movies. so like it gets worse i guess?? i probably should look at my to-watch list and delete more non-asian movies out of it, leaving only like something i really want to watch and almost sure that it must be a masterpiece or at least enjoyable enough. and maybe hungarians. idk, maybe im still able to watch hungarian films without getting dizzy, i should try. but not today. and probably not tomorrow. fuck, thats not ok. ill never run out of east-asian cinema obviously but theres probably something wrong with me.

well, ok, its obvious. its obvious why people around are getting boyfriends and i dont. because why wouldnt they. they are nice anyway. even if they are not so easygoing or have problems, its rather ok. and definitely not as bad as mine. my case is absolutely lost. i will never get a boyfriend no matter what, nobody would ever want to be with me. even those tiny bits of good i have, they are outweight by countless horrible things. its the truth, because nobody could bear to even be my friend for more than few years. theres no hope for me, nobody will ever love someone like that. and everyone left when they find boyfriends. because who would need me in their happy life. i wish i wasnt such a coward, i wish i could just go and kill myself, and nobody would even be sad too much, nobody would lost their happiness, nobody would mourn their love, or anything really. because im nobody for literally everyone, no matter how i wish to mean everything, i still mean nothing, im still nobody and the only person who would be sad is probably my mother but she would still mourn somebody she never really knew and never understood.

HOW TF people around me just went and found their lovers?? wtf?? like literally, almost all of them found some men and now they have those men and arent lonely??? fuck, they have a person to go to, to hug and kiss and drink booze with. and what about me, why am i alone? yeah im messy and hard to deal with but like. fuck, i guess im just unlucky. and yeah maybe my taste is out of place, i mean there arent many east asians, left alone beautiful hairy unmarried east asian men. all i have is a cute guy in ma screen who i love so much but with whom i only can talk to once a day in the comment section. and i cant even hug him. its so miserable. im so miserable. its just disgustingly pathetic, how miserable i am. and i cant even make a funeral doom song about it bc i still bad at playing the guitar.

in the comments to the latest piece of ju-on franschize which is made by netflix i saw a comment that was like those muricans just had to add rape to it. and like really. i havent watch netflix for years but in most their things i can remember there was rape or at least the mention of it. of course its hot topic and ppl are less afraid to talk about this yadda yadda but yeah actually now it feels like its just exploiting the topic. or maybe theyre so out of ideas that they add it until its still not so overexploited in cinema (like how it was with zombies, exept zombies arent real). or like people actually like to see it. not sure. but for real, i spent last week watching all the ju-on films and there were no rapes at all, and they didnt need them at all. like there already was enough violence, creepy people, killing kids, tearing limbs, burning alive, even a really brutal cat murder, like wasnt that enough? but nooo, they just had to add a rape, even pedofilia bc apparently just rape wasnt enough! it doesnt add anything valuable or scary and honestly it feels out of place, they just put there rape for the sake of rape. wtf.

it would probably fun to make a blog "your-fav-loves-to-kill-kittens" and post there some of those fuckass seemingly moral gray characters ppl here tend be too obsessed over. they would probably get angry and send me death threats or something lol. i would probably also make a kittenkilling flag. or maybe even invent a kittenkill neogender if things get too boring... but i dont think i really will do that, i would better spend my time on another depressing japanese cop movie.

"theres no tragedy in..." dude, i can find tragedy in everything.

so fucking depressed and angry at the movie i just saw. or rather how its ended. a movie is about kind of doppelgangers and it was going on really interesting but then it ended in the worst way possible. it was a creepy sight on what a marriage does with people. the girl who was messy smoking artist in a gloomy room, they fucking killed her. she started to live with her husband in an apartment with disgustingly cheerful yellow walls. and quit smoking. and quit painting. not even bc of a husband, she i guess she just decided to be a housewife??? and ugh. at first i thought that i can forgive it bc husband is crosseyed(i guess i have something about it. he wasnt beautiful in anything else despite being japanese, well longer hair and better clothes would probably fix him but) it ended up on a scene where they stroll in the park, both painfully normal and happy in their ugly clothes and shes pregnant... fuck. why did you do this to me??? it was really good and it could end better but the end ruined everything and left such a bad aftertaste. its even worse than just watching some bad movie bc theres a chance, or maybe its the hidden meaning of the movie that you have no chance and if you arent a normie you just have to eat shit, fuck yourself and die, yeah thats probably the real meaning. FUCK i had to watch something different or idk just rewatch marebito again bc why not, it was such a great movie and right after it i had to witness that thing with that end. i guess ill try to find and watch somethingcreepy and bloody with young tadanobu asano, he never betrayed me like that

listening mylene farmer (i swear, sometimes even france can have something neat), an artist i was a big fan when i was 9-10yo, back then i loved her so much that i even looked for translation to every song... and o ma fucking god. no wonder that im so gloomy, dramatic and decadent. heres a song about a young boy who hanged himself in vienne garden, about a drowned girl, about being worthless, "i love melancholy", "no doubts that im a boy", "we are the generation of disenchantment", lots of songs about rather scandalous love (optimistique-moi had almost midori vibe when i rewatched it not that long ago... well thats just a feeling. but lots of her music videos were banned from tv for nudity and blasphemy) and all that in this romantique dreamy atmosphere. it explains a lot i guess. and i still can sing along to some of those french songs.