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childhood bestfriend!roman x reader - chapter 4 chapter 3 wc: 3500 cw: weed, mentions of violence synopsis: you and Roman met each other when you were 7 after a not-so-pleasant encounter at the park. You became inseparable after that. In the many years of friendship you developed feelings for Roman, but you somehow managed to keep them hidden. It was all in vain, however, as your friendship ended a couple of days before graduation. After four years of not hearing from him, you meet him at a party you were working at as a photographer, lighting up a flame you didn't know was still burning inside, buried and long forgotten. author's note: guys i'm actually working a lot slower than usual (in case you didn't notice). I love you all and thank you for all the support, i'll try to hurry up the next few chapters.

2022

A dissonant storm of voices surrounded you, coming from all directions.

You looked around the lit-up football pitch of your highschool, trying your best to find your assigned chair.

Somewhere in the bleachers sat your parents, waving at you once they spotted you in the crowd. You waved back with a nervous smile, overwhelmed by the volume and agitation of the pitch.

The fluorescent floodlights cast an unbearable white glow over your peers, all dressed in gowns and graduate caps, some of them painted and decorated, some of them blank and unscathed.

You took a deep breath of the chill evening air and began counting the rows before finally spotting your seat, not too far away from where you were stood. It was getting there that was the issue.

You began pushing through the swarm of people, large friend groups gathered in circles, all emotional, whether it was the bittersweet feeling of finishing a chapter of their lives or the fear of the upcoming future.

Finally, you reached your row, your nerves settling down as you knew you wouldn’t have to deal with this much longer.

Right as you were about to say your first ‘sorry’ in order to move past the people sat at the isle, you spotted a pair of eyes looking up at you: Roman, with a fresh buzzcut sat next to Hollis and Nate, all gawking at you as if you had murdered their families.

You always pictured yourself graduating alongside Roman, hugging him after receiving your diploma and crashing some party together to celebrate. You never imagined you would be sat in the same row, five people separating you, not speaking one word to each other the whole night.

Every now and then you’d glance over to him, taking note of his smirk whenever Hollis made a joke, or his casual posture as if you and him hadn’t been planning this exact night since you were 13.

Every now and then you’d catch a glimpse of his eye as he couldn’t help himself from glancing over at you too. You kept your eyes peeled on him when he walked up to get his diploma, and you felt his dark eyes bore into you when you got yours. Like he was watching over you.

In a way, you experienced that night together, the way you always dreamed you would. But he was so distant. You were between strangers. He was between friends. On the chair next to you, where Roman was supposed to sit, you felt a sharp cold air piercing through your shoulder.

Finally, you threw your cap alongside the people you grew up with. But they weren’t Roman.

That night, instead of going to bed to rest before the stressful exams, you took a stroll to the park you and Roman met in, deciding to sit on the swings, kicking pebbles beneath you with each swing.

Thinking back on all of the years spent together you finally accepted that you and Roman had gone down different paths. It would never be the same. You would never have movie nights again, or parties, or smoke sessions, or even a casual conversation. That night was all you needed to understand your childhood was finally over. With highschool ending, so did your innocence, the blind purity brought by the simple moments in life.

Suddenly, on the other side of the park you heard a twig snap, causing you to tense up and look towards the source of the noise. You never knew what could happen on a dark night like this, all alone and vulnerable.

You noticed a tall figure make its way to a bench and sit down. One of the streetlights flickered behind it, casting a glow around the figure, and you instantly recognize its features.

Roman looked at you from the bench. He didn’t say a word.

You continued swinging, realizing there was no danger. Just pure coincidence. But it was the closure you needed. The perfect ending to the painful year you had experienced.

You and Roman didn’t spend much longer in the park as it was quite late and chilly, but for the few minutes you were there, you looked at each other, both deep in thought. You wondered what was on his mind. You wondered how you even got here.

But you both understood that getting up and acknowledging each other would be too painful. So you sat there, heavy in each other’s presence, living through your last night of purity.

2026

The sand protruded into every corner of your sneakers, making it more and more uncomfortable to walk. Hollis’ voice could be heard speaking to Nate behind you, Sirena chiming in every now and then.

You could hear laughter and a few jokes, but nothing worth focusing on when Roman walked slightly ahead of you. His hair was down, wind gently blowing through it as the salty and humid atmosphere of the beach made his curls more prominent.

He held a joint between his lips, taking a hit before passing it over to you every now and then. You hoped to be able to relax, finding it hard to do so around this specific group. The weed helped loosen you up a bit, but the sand making its way into your socks irked you too much to find comfort.

Sirena and Ryan had already taken off their shoes, so you joined them, the feeling of the cold sand on your feet bringing you the comfort you sought out.

Roman peeked over his shoulder to look at you and you met his eye with a warm smile. A smile he recognized well. Your tolerance had always been weaker than his, and he knew you could get high off a couple hits.

You extended your hand, offering him the joint back, but he declined with a nod.

“Keep it,” he spoke in a hushed voice.

You thanked him with a smile, although he couldn’t tell the difference as a smile was constantly plastered on your face as a result of the weed.

“You ever been here before?” he continued, slowing down so you could catch up with him.

“Of course,” you scoffed, taking another hit.

“Just making sure,” he shrugged, watching the way your face was illuminated when you inhaled slowly. “Gotta show you a spot thought,” he nodded at some rocks in front of him.

“Please,” you rolled your eyes. “I’ve seen every part of this beach.”

“But you’ve never been here with me before,” Roman sped up his walking pace. You followed close behind him, taking a long drag from the joint as you and Roman left the rest of the group behind.

Finally, you reached the rocks. And as expected, you already knew the place. Somewhere behind the rocks there was a patch of sand, big enough to fit a group of people, the past presence of humans being left in empty wrappers and soda cans thrown about the place.

The rocks gathered to create a sort of shelter, protecting you from the cold shore breeze as you sat down in the sand with a loud huff, placing your shoes next to you. Roman sat in front of you, leaving a noticeable gap between your legs. Ever since meeting Roman again, there was always an obvious shield between the two of you, something you had both built subconsciously. Maybe it was fear. Maybe it was to protect yourselves.

“You feeling nice?” Roman asked with a grin, noticing your hooded eyes and relaxed stance as you finally let your guard down. However, not entirely.

“Yeah,” you nodded, finishing the joint while focusing on the way the moonlight cast sparkles upon the sand grains. “I needed this. Thanks,” you sighed, slumping your shoulders while propping up your hands on the sand behind you to support your suddenly heavy torso.

“Work’s hard?” he continued probing, trying to get a conversation going.

“As fuck,” you stifled a laugh. “I mean, life’s going my way and all. But I feel like there’s more out there, you know?” you began opening up while trapping the sand between your fingers.

“Yeah,” Roman nodded. “I know.”

“Oh, please!” you scoffed. “There’s a whole ocean of opportunities for you. Record labels and albums and shit.”

“Yeah, but I’ve also just started. No one knew my name until last year,” Roman argued in a calm tone. “There’s still so many things that feel out of reach.”

“Still. You’ve come so far in just one year. Took me two years of meaningless work to finally get hired for a party. And it was a fucking prom,” you chuckled, remembering the horrors of your first big gig. “All the pictures were teens grinding up on each other and disappointed chaperones.”

“Oh my God!” Roman straightened up suddenly, a spark in his eye appearing in the dim light. “Remember our prom night?”

“Of course I do,” you huffed, suddenly being reminded of the most awkward night of your life.

“Were you even there?” Roman tilted his head inquisitively. “I don’t remember seeing you.”

“I was at my table for most of the night,” you admitted.

“Hiding from me?” he grinned, his arrogance making you roll your eyes involuntarily.

“Hiding from Caleb. I was too nervous to face him after everything that happened. You know, I even pre-gamed at home to prepare myself for a confrontation, but I never got the courage to do it,” you awkwardly chuckled, realizing how much of a coward you had been. “And he disappeared towards the end of the night anyway. Probably off with some girl.”

You looked up once Roman didn’t say anything in response, but simply nodded while staring at the sand absent-mindedly. A sudden stiffness in his expression and posture made you realize something was heavy on his heart.

“What?” you pried. Roman shook his head with an awkward chuckle, but you knew he was about to crack. “Tell me,” you tried again, this time leaning forward slightly.

“You know after he…” he began, carefully picking his words. “…cheated,” he said quietly, as to not bring back painful memories. “He wasn’t very secretive about it. Word got to Nate, and eventually to me. I went a bit overboard with the alcohol during prom night, and so did he.” You listened attentively to him as you started to piece together where the story was going. “Anyway, I went to the bathroom towards the end and we somehow ended up fighting,” Roman swallowed dryly when finishing his sentence, scared to look up at you.

“Like,” you widened your eyes, trying to process the new information. “Physically?” Roman nodded slowly, guilt too heavy to lift his gaze. “Who threw the first punch?”

“Me,” he replied quietly, holding a breath while awaiting your response.

After you and Roman had stopped talking, he tried his best to stay out of your business. He didn’t interact with your other friends, stopped asking about you at parties, even stopped sitting next to you in class. But when your relationship with Caleb started to go downhill, word got around and soon enough, it was inevitable to hear about it.

Although he held a resentment towards you at that time, any mention of the way Caleb treated you, or even the sight of his face, made him blood boil with anger. He told himself you asked for this, you put yourself in that situation. But upon hearing that he cheated on you, the only thing on his mind was punching his stupid face.

He never planned on telling you, and Caleb was too ashamed to tell anyone he got his ass beat by Roman, so the fight stayed between them. Caleb had left prom and wore sunglasses until his black eye healed and avoided Roman for the rest of the year.

Roman was always afraid of what you would do if you found out. He knew how attached you were to Caleb, and he was scared that this would push you even further away from him.

So when you toppled over, hair touching the sand as you laughed uncontrollably at this confession, he was nothing short of confused.

“What?” Roman couldn’t bite back his smile as he joined in your laughing fit, yet still audibly confused. You sighed, a wide grin still plastered on your flushed face as you straightened back up, hand on your stomach as you evened out your breathing.

“I appreciate that, Roman,” you met his eye, a warm glint emphasized by the moonlight beaming directly onto your face. “God, I need another joint,” you admitted, brushing sand out of your hair. “I haven’t smoked in months.”

“That’s such a lie,” he scoffed.

“It’s not. I don’t always have time to relax and shit.”

“Don’t people offer you a smoke when you’re working at parties or something?”

“I always turn them down,” you shake your head.

“Man, I remember you used to never pass on an offer like that.”

“Come on, I wasn’t that crazy,” you argued playfully.

“You were crazier than me!” You threw your head back at his words, not believing them for a second. “Getting high every weekend, drinking at every party,” he continued.

“You’re making me sound like a delinquent,” you chuckled.

“You kinda were,” Roman joked.

“My grades were better than yours!” you slammed your hands against the sand to emphasize your argument.

“True,” Roman nodded, accepting defeat. “Only thing I missed out on was messing around. I was so stuck on fucking Caleb I didn’t get the chance to get to know other people.”

“You know, when you and him broke up at least three guys were ready to swoop in,” Roman said.

“I’m so sure,” you sarcastically bit back.

“No, really. So many guys hated Caleb because they wanted you,” Roman continued. You were unsure if he was telling the truth or he was just saying things to make you feel good.

“Sure, Roman,” you scoffed, looking out at the ocean.

The wind had gotten stronger, and although you were shielded by the large rocks, you could hear the furious air slamming against them above you. The waves got larger and the faint sound of the others talking in the distance had simmered away, engulfed by the sounds of the beach.

You focused on the waves crashing into the shore, the splash they made, leaving behind white and salty foam. But you felt Roman’s eyes on you. However, it was unusually comforting. You didn’t feel watched or inspected, but acknowledged. Admired. A feeling Roman always gave you. A feeling you hadn’t felt in a long time.

You truly wanted this to work. Not only to make up for the painful years that had followed highschool, but to have Roman’s presence back in your life. With him you never felt judged, never felt silenced or misunderstood. With him you felt normal, as if your bond was always meant to be there. It felt like you and him came as one, and your friendship was indisputable.

You truly wanted this to work. And you would do anything to get your friendship back.

Sitting with your knees to your chest in the passenger seat, head leaning on the door with the window rolled down, you listened to the soft music playing through the speakers of Roman’s car as he drove mindlessly.

After a long conversation about how you were getting home, you finally accepted Roman’s offer to take you home. Fortunately for him as you were giving your address, he realized it was on the way to his house, making you feel less guilty.

Roman’s car smelled like cigarettes even before he rolled down his window to light one up, alongside his musky cologne and leather. His music taste hadn’t changed over the years, and you even recognized some of the songs from back when you were kids, blasting music from his laptop when his parents weren’t home.

The ride masked itself as comfortable, the cushioned seats allowing you to sink into them as the wind gently blew over your face. But you and Roman both felt a lingering tension between the two of you as the weed began to wear off.

You didn’t know what time it was. You knew it wasn’t even worth checking as time felt still, your entire presence being trapped inside the car.

Once you reached your apartment building Roman asked if he could come up to use the restroom as his house was still 15 minutes away. And from the second you said ‘yes’, you knew this would be a mistake.

You let Roman into your apartment. Your space.

His cologne left a trail that wouldn’t leave for days behind him. The problem was you weren’t bothered. You liked it. You hoped he would leave something behind so you could remember him by something when he left.

You had reunited with Roman merely one week ago, yet you felt more attachment than you had felt in the 12 years of growing up together.

You waited for him on your couch, a place you usually felt comfortable in. Yet your body felt stiff, with your arms placed carefully in your lap and your hands fidgety. Your leg bounced anxiously when you heard the toilet flush, knowing your time alone to think was over.

“Can you bring me my eyeliner?” you heard his voice from the bathroom, muffled by the closed door. “It’s in my bag. My face is all fucked up.”

You shook yourself out of your thoughts, standing up to search through his bag that lay on the floor beside the front door. You searched the side pockets, your hands rummaging through his trinkets and belongings. Upon finding nothing, you moved on to a pouch that caught your eye. Cigarette packs, a few lighters he liked to collect, a couple of coins. And finally the eyeliner.

As you wrapped your fingers around it, you brushed against something that felt round. Beads. You opened the pouch wider, staring down at your new find: the bracelet you had given Roman years ago.

You swallowed hard, the realization settling in your wrecked brain.

“Found it?” Roman asked again from the bathroom, cracking the door open.

You shot up from his bag, not even bothering to close the pouch before rushing over to the bathroom.

“Yeah,” you handed him the eyeliner, avoiding his eye.

“Thanks,” he brushed off your distant demeanor as you still being high. Partly, this was true.

Partly, you realized Roman had been just as stuck on you as you had been stuck on him, all these years. He never moved on. He wanted you back in his life. All those meaningless things had been the world to him. That pouch was like your shoebox in a way, a time capsule for the things that mattered. A piece of you made it into that pouch, and he carried it around in his daily life.

To many, this would be a bittersweet discovery, something that would warm their heart up. And to you it did exactly that. But in all the wrong ways.

Laying down in bed late at night, after tossing around in the sheets and pillows before settling on laying on your back, you realized how stupid you had been.

You had never felt admiration and love so strongly for anyone besides Roman. That’s what led to your demise. That’s why a friendship could never work.

You could either lie to yourself and continue, knowing this would wreck you mentally, or you could remove him from your life once again and protect yourself and him.

The thought that Roman moved on was what helped you move on. But knowing you were both still stuck there, in your years of innocence, brought everything back.

Your feelings towards him were clear.

You valued his friendship and presence too much. You had to lead with your mind, and the logical move was to push your feelings aside and accept his love, as a friend.

Somehow you were back in highschool, back to elementary school, back to that first day in the park, Roman’s deep eyes beaming down onto you. You were back to square one.  

who he get his weave from?

childhood bestfriend!roman x reader - chapter 2 wc: 6400 cw: alcohol synopsis: you and Roman met each other when you were 7 after a not-so-pleasant encounter at the park. You became inseparable after that. In the many years of friendship you developed feelings for Roman, but you somehow managed to keep them hidden. It was all in vain, however, as your friendship ended a couple of days before graduation. After four years of not hearing from him, you meet him at a party you were working at as a photographer, lighting up a flame you didn't know was still burning inside, buried and long forgotten. author's note: thanks for all the support guys!! love yall <2

A tall silhouette illuminated by orange and pink hues coming from the stage lights. His face showed surprise, shock. You zoomed in, looking at the eyes. Were they happy to see you, or were they upset and angry? It was hard to read the pixels on your camera.

You somehow managed to capture the exact moment in which Roman spotted you amongst the crowd. His eyes were wide, his lips parted slightly and his body was tense, as if the world froze around him. Looking at the picture on the tiny screen, you were transported back to that moment, reliving all of those feelings as if you were seeing him for the first time again.

Your thumb traced his figure slowly and somehow you still couldn’t believe you saw Roman tonight, after so long.

The more you stared at his face, at the features you had memorized in the years spent together, your vision blurred and a small tear dropped down onto the screen. You felt the betrayal from all those years ago rushing back and you reminded yourself of how the best person you ever met left you living the worst years of your life.

2017

“It was crazy, Roman!” you exclaimed, full of energy. Roman watched you quietly with a smile as you explained the events of that night. “Jason got on top of the table and started screaming at everyone! No one took him seriously though, because he was really drunk. And then he went somewhere and no one saw him for the rest of the night. Everyone thought he went home, but then Jessica came in and said she caught him making out with her older sister!” you finished your story, looking at Roman while you waited for a reaction. But Roman’s expression left you disappointed as he did not seem impressed at all.

“Cool,” he nodded, pursing his lips as he didn’t know how to answer.

“They were making out, Roman! Isn’t that crazy?” you continued, trying to get him to understand the gravity of the situation.

“Sure,” he said, finding the trees and the night sky more interesting than your story.

“Wow, ok. I expected you to be more surprised,” you scoffed, looking down at the ground.

“It’s just kissing. Not that impressive,” he shrugged, twirling grass strands with his finger.

The crickets seemed to have gotten louder as a silence filled the space between you and Roman. You enjoyed nights like this – sitting on the curb in front of your house, talking and talking while the sun went down, until either your or his parents urged you back inside. But tonight was different. Roman was a lot more silent than usual. He replied in short sentences, avoided your eyes, and sat further away from you. You brushed it off at first, but it was getting annoying.

“That’s not fair. I’m the same age as Jason and I haven’t even had my first kiss! Let alone make out. And last week I heard Melissa was also kissing some boy at her birthday party.”

“Kissing is not that big of a deal. You’re good,” Roman reassured you, his eyes peeled onto the concrete below him.

“Yeah, but I feel like I’m falling behind, you know?” you sighed, looking forward as your thoughts raced. “I’m 13! Shouldn’t I be in a relationship by now or something?”

“Dude, you’re fine. You have time,” he answered, his calmness freaking you out. Suddenly, the dots in your head connected, and you realized why he was so indifferent.

“Roman?” you asked, your tone shifting into something uncertain. Roman hummed in response, finally looking at you. “Have you had your first kiss?” you continued, the anxiety gnawing at you. Roman looked back at the concrete and shrugged in response, suddenly nervous. He tried to hide in the shadow of the night, but you recognized the expression on his face immediately. “Oh my God!” you exclaimed, turning your body to face him. “When?”

“I don’t know,” Roman looked away in embarrassment. “Like a couple of weeks ago?”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” your voice betrayed you, showing nothing but defeat and confusion. Roman rarely kept anything from you.

“I didn’t think it was that important.”

“Of course it’s important!” you argued. You weren’t sure how to feel. You could be angry that he hid it from you. You could be happy for him. You could be sad, the thought of Roman with someone arising an unfamiliar feeling within you. “I can’t believe you had your first kiss before me,” you mumbled as your head hung low.

You watched Roman as his expression shifted, and you could see his eyebrows twitch when a sudden idea came to his mind.

“Look, if you’re so worried, I’ll just kiss you and you can get it over with,” Roman blurted out, not realizing the weight of his words. A pink hue spread across your face at his simple sentence.

For the first time in your friendship, you were left speechless. Roman and you did everything together. A first kiss didn’t seem that strange. You couldn’t deny the fact that you thought about it sometimes.

Many girls in your class were head over heels for Roman. You never understood what they saw in him, until one night when an unexpected dream creeped up on you in which you and Roman kissed. You brushed it off as your mind messing with you, but ever since then you couldn’t stop picturing it in your head.

“Ew!” you practically yelled, laughing awkwardly. “That would be so weird!” you continued, trying to ignore the way your stomach twisted as the image of Roman kissing you intruded your thoughts.

“Yeah,” he joined in with a stiff chuckle, a sudden silence falling between the two of you. In your mind you considered it. Would it be that bad?

You shook yourself out of these stupid fantasies. Of course it would be bad! Roman was your best friend!

“It’s pretty late,” he spoke, breaking the deafening silence. “I should get going,” he stood up, brushing the dust off his baggy pants.

“Yeah,” you nodded in agreement, too nervous to even meet his eye as you were still deep in thought, debating his offer.

“Bye,” he shyly said, beginning to reluctantly walk away as if he was waiting for something to happen.

Watching him slowly step away, you continued to think about it. Roman was right: a kiss was not that big of a deal. And who better to be your first kiss other than your closest friend? Roman knew you inside and out. He had seen you at your worst, and you didn’t trust anyone more than you trusted him. So, in a leap of faith you stood up from the curb.

“Wait!” you yelled after him and he stopped, turning around with relief as if he had been hoping for this.

You carefully stepped towards him, stopping when the tip of your shoes knocked against his. You placed an uncertain hand on his shoulder and leaned in, shutting off your mind for just that one moment. Unsure, you pressed your lips against his. It wasn’t like the movies or the way the girls in your class described it. It was calculated and nothing close to romantic.

No one had high hopes when it came to their first kiss. Many regret theirs as it’s usually awkward and mechanical. The kiss with Roman was nothing short of that. But thinking back on it, you wouldn’t have it any other way.

The kiss brought you an unexpected comfort as you explored a new area of you and Roman’s friendship. Warmth spread throughout your body as his slightly chapped lips pressed further into yours.

Then, you finally pulled away, both of you left hot and winded, as if you had the air knocked out of you. Roman smiled and reached out to tuck a strand of your hair behind your ear.

“Happy?” he asked quietly, as if he was afraid that speaking too loudly would frighten you.

 You nodded in response, feeling as if you couldn’t move a single muscle, the kiss almost melting you right there on the concrete.

Roman said ‘goodnight’ before walking away back to his home.

There was no physical evidence of the kiss, nothing you could store in your shoebox to ensure this memory would be forever frozen in time. But you would never forget it.

2019: March

A beautiful white fabric embraced the bride, roses and peonies embroidered into the sheer fabric. You watched closely as she ran her fingers across them, looking in the mirror with a glint in her eyes. The world around her was chaos as all the bridesmaids ran around to make sure everything was just right. But she allowed herself a moment to enjoy this day, what many would call the ‘greatest day of their life’.

You looked at outside the building through a large window, spotting Roman standing by himself in the center of the dining tent, looking around for you. You gazed at him, stealing the few moments in which he was yours to look at. He was wearing an all-black suit, the coat being discarded on his chair as it was far too warm to be wearing it, leaving him in a black button-up, contrasting his lighter skin.

“You know,” the bride started, walking over to you with her heels clinking against the ceramic-tiled floor. “I met your cousin when I was your age,” she looked out the window, following your gaze until her eyes landed on Roman.

You peeled your eyes off him, looking up at the bride while trying to mask your confusion. She gave you a knowing look, and you smiled in response, pretending to understand what her words meant. You were too young to understand, blinded by your innocence and adoration.

You decided to finally join Roman as he had been waiting long enough by himself. You noticed his mouth opening, ready to say something like ‘where were you?’, but he stopped himself, as if he couldn’t speak, once he noticed you.

Roman rarely ever saw you all dressed up, the last time being for a fancy Christmas party at his parent’s house. But this was different. He took a moment to admire every detail of your makeup, every stich and seam of your halter dress that reached just above your knees. Roman’s eyes travelled your body, evoking an unfamiliar feeling within you.

His eyes were like a microscope, making you feel small under his gaze. But it felt good. He had a glint in his eyes you had never seen before, one you couldn’t get enough of. You liked the way he looked at you.

“You look good,” he finally spoke, gathering his thoughts. You tried your best to hide the hot pink spreading across your face at his words.

“Thanks. You too,” you replied. “Sorry for keeping you waiting so long, I was with the bridesmaids.”

“Yeah, I figured.”

The ceremony happened underneath the setting sun. You, the flower girl, walked down the aisle, giving Roman a scolding side-glance when he snorted at you, forcing him to keep in his laughter.

The usual wedding festivities took place right after. Well, you wouldn’t know. This was your first wedding. You had dinner in the tent, followed by lots and lots of dancing.

You and Roman mostly sat at your table, laughing when your drunk aunt decided to do a solo karaoke or when an older relative whose name you didn’t seem to remember tried to hit on one of the groomsmen.

Soon enough, you got tired of all the loud music and screaming people, so you and Roman decided to go somewhere more quiet.

The best feature of the wedding venue was that it was next to a pond. Although it was dark and the air was filled with mosquitoes, the lake replaced the agitation of the party with a steady serenity.

Sat next to Roman on the wooden dock, you swung your legs right above the water as you listened to the far away music blasting throughout the venue. He mirrored your movements while the two of you sat in a comfortable silence. You looked at Roman, his face barely recognizable in the dim light of the moon.

In the years spent together you had practically memorized his silhouette, the curvature of his nose, the shape of his hair. And even if a room would be completely devoid of any light, you’d still know if Roman was there based on his scent or the warmth of his body which you discovered was different from other people’s.

“What?” Roman chuckled awkwardly, noticing your staring.

“Nothing,” you shrugged, quickly looking away, out into the large pond.

“How long do you think they’ll go on for?” Roman twisted his head to look back at all your drunk and dancing relatives that were showing no sign of wanting to stop.

“Like a couple of hours.”

“Fuck,” Roman muttered, looking back at the water.

“It’ll go by quick. I think,” you tried to reassure him, but you were growing bored yourself.

After another long pause, Roman suddenly began scrambling to stand up from the ground. You looked up at him with confusion, only to be met by his large smile you had grown to love over the years. But you had also learned a smile like that always meant Roman was planning something.

“What are you doing?”

“Come on,” Roman put out his hand, nodding towards the dance floor.

“No way,” you instantly shot him down with a scoff, shaking your head.

“Let’s dance!” he pleaded.

“No!” you snickered at the ridiculous situation. “What’s wrong with you? You never dance.”

“I just feel like it. Come on,” he continued, but this time in a much softer tone. You looked back up at him, and with a dramatic roll of your eyes you stood up and took his hand, allowing him to walk you to the dance floor.

Your cousin and his wife were a match made in heaven. Or maybe hell. They loved to tease you, both of them enjoying the satisfaction of making you all flustered. So when they noticed you and Roman shyly making your way onto the dance floor and awkwardly dancing to the music, they instantly urged the DJ to change the song for a slow dance. Upon noticing the shift in you and Roman’s expression, they began to giggle to themselves.

The bride and groom started the slow dance, instantly followed by everyone else. You looked at Roman with a small smile, unsure if you should partake in this, but he immediately answered all your concerns when he placed his hands on your hips, beginning to slowly sway you from side to side.

Taken aback, you scrambled to grab onto his shoulders for support, masking it as part of the dance when in reality you felt as if your knees would give out at any moment. Both of you felt the air tense around you, an awkward gap forming in between your bodies.

“I don’t know how to dance,” you leaned in to whisper into his ear, stepping on his shoes in the process.

“Me neither. Just step from side to side,” he whispered back with a reassuring smile.

Suddenly, your faces were close. Too close. So close you could feel his minty breath fan over the tip of your nose, his cologne filling up the air around you in a comforting bubble.

Usually, you and Roman would try to avoid any interaction that was anything close to romantic. During sleepovers you would keep a safe distance between the two of you, and while sometimes Roman woke up with his arm around you, he always made sure to move away before you woke up. When hugs would last too long, you were always the one to pull away first. Movie nights always took place in the living room, never in a bed. All these were unspoken rules between the two of you.

But there was something about that night, the warm comfort surrounding Roman, heat emanating from his body, seeping through your clothes. Your heart raced and you felt your face grow red, but instead of shying away like usual, you leaned into that feeling, stepping closer to him and closing the gap between the two of you. Gently, you placed your head on his shoulder, facing away from him with your cheek pressed tightly against the fabric of his black shirt.

You half expected Roman to shove you away while making a small jab at how touchy you were being, but instead he welcomed this, moving his hands from your hips to wrap around your lower back. You even felt his cheek softly press up against your hair.

Instead of running away, you and Roman embraced this new feeling. It felt comforting to finally be able to be this close to him without it being weird. You felt your body relax under his touch and you closed your eyes, feeling the music in your chest as you swayed together, gripping each other tightly as if one of you would be torn away soon.

For Roman however, this was too much. He had always felt weird about being touchy with you. Being your first kiss, hugging you all the time, seeing you every day, it only added onto the weight on his heart. And that night, with the way you looked, smelled, looked at him, the way you were so comfortable and trusting with him, Roman’s heart felt as if it would explode from the pressure.

For that night he didn’t pull away. He let it happen. He let his heart act before his brain. But he knew this would have to stop. You were his best friend, the person he cared about the most in the world. And this was far from normal.  

2019: June

The loud ring of the bell almost burst your eardrums, your head pounding with the hangover of last night’s party. Roman had been smart enough to stay home and rest, while you decided it would be a good idea to show up to school.

You sat alone in your desk, Roman’s chair empty right next to you. The teacher handed out some worksheets for everyone to work on, but as your headache intensified, all you could do was stare at it, the numbers and words not even registering in your brain.

“The party was so sick!” you heard a voice a couple of desks behind you.

“Yeah!” another voice said. “Your house is amazing, Melissa.”

You didn’t bother to look at who was talking as you recognized the voices of the self-proclaimed ‘popular girls’. They were nice. Sometimes. But they were nice enough to invite you to the party.

“Thanks guys. It was hell to clean up though,” Melissa added.

“Not our fault,” one of the girls said. “The guys were the ones that made a mess.”

“Oh my God, I hate all of them!” another girl continued.

“Come on guys, they’re not all that bad. Jason was chill. Roman too,” Melissa said, the mention of your best friend causing you to turn your head around.

“Yeah, Roman was so nice,” one of the girls said. “And he’s also a really good kisser,” she added with a grin, making all the other girls gasp and giggle.

You just stared at them in shock, not even knowing what to think. Sure, Roman had kissed other girls before. But he didn’t tell you about this. He always told you whenever he was talking to a new girl or when he was going on a date. After his first kiss, you both agreed to stop hiding things from each other. And although it made you feel very weird and kind of angry for reasons you couldn’t explain, you were always there to listen.

There was that anger bubbling up inside of you again. You weren’t even sure what to call it. Jealousy wouldn’t be an appropriate name as you didn’t have those kinds of feelings for him, right? So if not jealousy, what else could justify this unsettling anger that surged through your veins at the thought of Roman kissing a girl?

You walked down the familiar streets of your neighborhood, the same old cars, the same old houses. It was comforting to know you always had a place to call home. But at the same time, you wanted more. You dreamt of a big apartment on the top floor of some fancy building. You dreamt of a successful career and your name on the lips of the most famous people in LA. Your future could not be confined to this small neighborhood. You wouldn’t let it be that way.

But for now, you had other issues to settle.

You stopped in front of Roman’s house, taking in a big sigh before walking up to the entrance. You knocked three times, waiting anxiously until his mom let you in, greeting you with a warm hug. She led you to Roman’s room where he was sat at his desk, working on some sketch.

“Hey,” you spoke softly, awkwardly standing in the doorway. “How are you feeling?”

“Better,” he spoke, turning around to look at you, his lips twisting into a smile at the sight of his best friend.

You could confront him – start an argument, yell at him for not telling you the truth, let all your mixed feelings out. But you soon realized you didn’t know the truth yourself. Maybe that girl was just bluffing, boasting around that she kissed Roman. Or maybe Roman forgot to tell you at the party, and he would tell you eventually. So you decided to be smart about this and wait for him to tell you the truth.

“Come in. Why are you just standing there?” he let out a huffed laugh. You snapped out of your thoughts, realizing how awkward you had been.

You walked in, dropping your backpack next to his bed before sitting down on it with a loud sigh, the headache still very much present.

“Your head still hurts?” he asked.

“Yeah.”

“Last night was weird, huh?” he smiled, turning back around to finish up his sketch.

“Speaking of last night,” you started, trying to give him an opportunity to explain himself. “Where were you? I lost you after that guy brought out the water guns.”

“Oh,” Roman stopped what he was doing, his shoulders seemingly tensing. “I just stayed in the living room for most of the party.”

“Alone?” you pried, observing how tense he would get as the questions progressed.

“Yeah,” he swallowed hard, guilt lingering in his tone.

“Really?” you couldn’t believe it. You gave him a chance to tell you what happened and he didn’t. “Because Melissa’s friend said otherwise.”

“What are you talking about?” he chuckled dryly, continuing to draw, but the strokes of his pencil were more calculated and aggressive.

“If I remember correctly,” you pretended to think as if the words haven’t been replaying in your mind for the past four hours. “She said something along the lines of you being a good kisser.”

Roman stopped briefly, thinking about his next words, before continuing as if this wasn’t a big deal.

“So what? I can kiss girls if I want to,” he shrugged, ignoring the guilt building up in his chest.

“Why’d you hide it from me?”

“I don’t have to tell you everything,” he didn’t even turn to look at you.

“Roman,” you spoke quietly, the break in your voice revealing the sadness you were trying to hide. “You used to tell me these things.”

“Maybe she asked me to keep it a secret.”

“Oh please!” you rolled your eyes dramatically. “She was practically screaming it to the whole class.”

Roman didn’t answer, instead just looked down at the ground, guilt and anger seeping through his veins. He deliberately hid this from you. And from what you could tell he had no intention of telling you anytime soon if you hadn’t brought it up.

“When were you planning to tell me? Next year?” you continued the argument, letting your thoughts spill out without even realizing.

“Maybe it’s not your business. I’m allowed to kiss girls,” he stated in a flat, yet bitter tone that left a pit in your stomach.

“I never said you weren’t. It just bothered me that you didn’t tell me. We always tell each other everything.”

“Well maybe we shouldn’t.”

The words stung like a spear through your heart. Roman and you would have casual arguments from time to time, but none of them were like this. None of them left you wondering if your friendship changed.

You didn’t know what to say anymore, Roman’s words hanging heavy in the air between the two of you. His room felt cold and big, the distance between you growing as each second passed without another word being said. You didn’t understand what changed. But you were too mad to even try.

Without any words left to say, you picked up your bag and angrily stormed out of his bedroom, leaving him at his desk with an unfinished conversation and an unfinished sketch.

He would never finish that sketch, and after a couple of days he would throw it away. All the pencil strokes and ideas he never put on the paper, all the words he left unsaid, would lead to the inevitable collapse of your friendship, and with that, your childhood.

2026

(2 - 4)

As you walked through the busy restaurant, you couldn’t keep your anxiety under control. Your legs felt weak as a nauseating feeling built up in your gut. It wasn’t common for you to feel like this. But the thought of hanging out with Roman after so long was terrifying to say the least.

You checked the time on your phone while you made your way to the reserved table.

7:02

You sighed in relief. You were right on time and knowing Roman, he wouldn’t show up for another 10 minutes, giving you the perfect amount of time to calm yourself down.

Your legs regained their strength as your breathing evened out, suddenly feeling a lot more relaxed.

But everything was crushed when you spotted Roman already sitting at the table, scrolling mindlessly on his phone. He was already there. His long hair was tied up in a bun, and he wore a striped long-sleeved shirt, his boots bouncing nervously underneath the table.

When he looked up at you, sensing your presence even when you were far away, your stomach dropped, creating a pit, and suddenly your legs felt weak again.

Roman smiled, putting down his phone, and you tried your best to sketch a smile back, stepping towards the table. You sat in front of him, nervously fidgeting with your fingers underneath the table. You couldn’t let him see just how much this scared you.

“Hey,” he spoke first, the wide grin on his face slightly comforting you.

“Hi,” you replied, managing to mask the shakiness of your voice. “Didn’t expect you to arrive earlier than me.”

“Yeah, me neither. I live in the area so it didn’t take me that long to get here,” he explained, running a hand through his hair.

“So,” you started, letting out and awkward chuckle. “How have you been?”

“Good,” he nodded with a small grin. “I’ve been working on my music a lot.”

“I heard. You’re really getting somewhere, huh?”

“Kinda. Didn’t expect to take off so quick, but I’m not complaining,” he explained, the small talk making your skin crawl. “What about you? You’re a photographer, right?”

“Yeah. I started two years ago but it’s been going pretty well.”

“Your name’s out there for sure. You’ve been popping up on my socials a lot lately,” Roman admitted.

When the waiter came, you and Roman rushed to order a strong alcoholic drink, both of you needing something to loosen up the tension.

Soon enough, both of you were slightly tipsy and a lot more comfortable. His attitude was a striking contrast from the party. He was a lot more open, telling you all about his new career and his life after high school.

But the more he spoke, the more you realized how much you had grown apart. He was so much like the Roman you remembered, yet he seemed so distant. Back then you could sit in silence and enjoy each others presence. Now, every pause longer than 3 seconds was as painful as a punch in the stomach.

However, one thing remained constant. The more both of you opened up, a comforting atmosphere grew. As you explained your current life to Roman, you looked up to meet his eyes, recognizing a familiar gaze. The same he had years ago when he would closely pay attention to your words and stories, as if anything you said was like an award-winning movie.

After arguing about how you should pay for the food and Roman winning, stating he had to ‘pay you back’ for his attitude at the party, you made it outside the restaurant.

Although it was 9, the sun hadn’t set yet, but was lingering above the horizon, casting a warm glow over the city.

“How are you getting home?” you asked, your eyes squinted slightly to protect them from the sharp rays of the sunset.

“Oh,” Roman said with a deflated tone. “I was thinking we can go somewhere else.”

“Where?” you looked up at him, a small smile creeping up on your face. Roman wanted to hang out with you. That was enough for you to want to keep the night going forever.

“I know this bar a couple of blocks away. It’s pretty chill. But if you don’t want to, that’s – “

“Sure, let’s go,” you interrupted him, watching him smile with content.

“No way, that was not my fault!” you laughed a bit louder than you intended, finishing up your third drink of the night.

“You let the ball hit the vase! How is that not your fault?” Roman chuckled, reminiscing growing up together while nursing his fourth drink. He was always quicker when it came to drinking. His tolerance was also stronger than yours, something that always came in handy at parties – you could black out knowing that Roman would be there to look out for you.

“You were the one that threw it!”

“Yeah, because I expected you to catch it. You’re lucky my mom always liked you, otherwise she would’ve fucking killed you,” Roman joked.

You turned around to look at the other people in the room. It was mostly old men, some of them hanging out with their friends after a long week, some of them drinking their sorrows away while humming along to the country music playing through the speakers. And then you looked at Roman – his eyes were half-lidded, his lips slightly parted and curled into a subtle smile, his cheeks were rosy, a sign he was drunk.

Roman had changed a lot. His hair was longer, his ‘skater’ clothes were replaced by button-ups and cowboy boots, his nails were fake and painted black. The way he spoke changed too, and it was only around the second drink that you started to catch onto his patterns and create a meaningful conversation. One that reminded you of the old Roman.

But looking around the bar, you realized this place was very ‘Roman’. He always took a liking for odd places, ones in which you wouldn’t expect to see teenagers in.

“This place reminds me of that weird ass restaurant you had your fifteenth birthday in,” you spoke, looking around at the décor on the walls. “I remember how everyone laughed in your face when they arrived.”

“Yeah, but that was the best night of their lives probably,” Roman chuckled, toying with a strand of his hair.

“Dude, I still remember that steak! I spent weeks trying to find the recipe.”

Roman turned his head to look at you, eyes hanging low, lips twisted in a familiar and comforting smile. You hoped he was happy to be with you. You hoped you met the expectations set by Hollis and Nate and their crazy hangouts. You had dreamed for years of just one more day with Roman, just to talk to him, just to see him smile. And sitting at that bar was like the universe had listened to you.

“I missed you,” he spoke cautiously, as if the words fought hard to escape but he was too afraid to let them out.

“That’s such a lie,” you laughed awkwardly, turning your head to break the eye contact.

“What?” Roman straightened up with a defeated expression on his face.

“You never reached out. If you missed me, you would’ve texted me or something,” you continued, the alcohol making you braver than usual, but not brave enough to meet his eye.

“You never reached out either,” he argued, his speech slightly slurred.

“It’s fine, Roman. But please don’t lie.”

“I’m not. I really missed you,” he admitted. You trailed your eyes up from his legs, to his torso, finally meeting his eyes. You noticed a glint. He was telling the truth.

“So then why keep me away all these years?” you said just above a whisper, trying to remain calm. But you could feel all the emotions bubbling beneath your skin just about to burst.

“We were good friends back then.” He explained, carefully calculating his next words. “But I needed a break,” he finally let out with a stifled sigh.

“You never told me that. We could’ve worked something out together,” his words clashed with all of the memories, but you managed to keep your temper under control. However, you couldn’t control the shakiness of your tone.

“Well, it was hard to say these things, you know?” Roman slurred his words, swallowing hard in between sentences to regain his composure. “Plus, it was more complicated than that,” he continued, and based off his tone you could tell there was something else he wasn’t letting on.

“Explain it to me then,” you leaned back, waiting for an explanation you would have liked to receive years ago.

“It was too much all at once. Hollis, my music, you and your boyfriend – “

“My boyfriend? What did he have to do with us breaking off our friendship?” you cut Roman off, suddenly confused.

“He was a dick!” Roman’s voice raised. “You turned into this girl that did everything for him. I only ever saw you at school because you were with him the rest of the time.”

“Well, what about you and Hollis? You joined this group of rich pricks that would make crappy music in their bedrooms all day, and you rarely let me join!” your voice escalated into stern tone, causing Roman to become more alert.

“That was different!”

“How is that different?”

“Well,” Roman tried to find an explanation, but he knew the truth had to come out one way or the other. On the chair beside him, you were waiting for an explanation, and Roman knew he owed you one. “I had some weird feelings towards us,” he spoke slowly, dragging each word as if that decreased the impact. “Especially in the later years. I didn’t know what to do, and you had a boyfriend either way, so I just became more and more angry. At myself, at you. At your fuckass boyfriend.”

Suddenly, you were left winded. You couldn’t believe what you were hearing. Four years ago, these few words would have made you break up with your boyfriend and drop to your knees. But now, all that was left was anger and frustration.

“So you had feelings for me?” you asked in a clarifying tone. Not the one Roman was expecting. But before he could answer, you continued. “You had feelings for me, and instead of being a man and owning up to it, you ran away.”

“You had a whole boyfriend!”

“That I would have dropped any second if you asked me to! Roman, you were my best fucking friend. You were my first kiss, my first time smoking, my first time drinking, and my first crush. Instead, you ran away and broke off the best thing that had ever happened to me.”

Roman stared at you, finding it hard to take in all of your words. His vision was blurry, and as an effect of the alcohol he struggled to process things. His eyes widened and his eyebrows slowly went up to form a face of pure disbelief.

“How was I supposed to know that?” he finally asked in a hushed voice, still taken aback by everything.

“You could have just talked to me! You could have stopped ignoring me and told me the truth. Instead of running away with Hollis and his group. You could’ve been a friend,” your conflicting emotions finally clashed, resulting in a spiral of memories and words you wished you could have said earlier.

You didn’t care the old drunk man next to you was listening to the conversation, you didn’t care you would regret all this in the morning. The only thing you cared about was the way Roman looked at his drink with an empty gaze. If you hadn’t known him for so long you would have thought he wasn’t paying attention. But you knew he was slowly digesting the information, his mind and thoughts being a very familiar subject to you. Roman was always keen of hiding things from you, whether it was his kisses, his crushes, his smile whenever you’d say a corny joke, or his feelings for you.

You knew he would hide his remorse and try to push it all away. You knew if you got up right now, this would be the last conversation you would ever have with him. Everything was out. You said the words that made the seams of your brain stretch, that made your lips twitch.

You didn’t need or want another conversation.

So you got up, leaving Roman behind you at the bar the same way he left you 4 years ago.

let me in.