Not Pin Cushion Man

I have to ask…

Does anyone actually like me?

Because I feel like I’m a shit human being. The few people who I thought were my friends are slowly disappearing, or don’t want to deal with me. People I’ve been talking to for years now. Every has either disappeared, or slowly sinks into ignoring me. I miss my threads with @flowersinthemountains. I miss talking to @tealwindwitch. I miss being able to have random small threads with @murasakiirohana. I miss being able to bond with @drinkingwiththehokage. I miss @pinkhairedkunoichi and my first real ship on tumblr three years ago. I miss shooting the shit with @omotegiri. I miss my fluffy threads with @deadlydango. I miss being friends with @fragrantlykarin. I miss talking to @xhaeres before I fucked that one up.

Everyone’s either gone or beginning to lose interest in me and just ignoring me and moving on. I don’t have anyone new.

I joined the naruto fandom on tumblr four years ago now, and it was my first time on tumblr. I joined other fandoms with other blogs too. I entered fairy tail thanks to omotegiri, and met @conflxgration and @skraxseidr. Yet even there, I feel utterly alone.

I went into the dc/marvel fandom and met @harleenclownqueen and @shielddeputydirector, @amagicspellandglasses, @exsovietspy, @virtualbatgirl, @noworldnomad, @littlemissclarice @interdimensional-kickerofbutt, @crushercarlie, @hopeinthedusk, and @prefertoimprovise before having a major breakdown and fucking up my relationship with those last three in ways I still regret. I even had a long standing thread with @silvershieldmaiden that has disappeared. I fucked up with @manlierthanxyou​ because we disagreed about a persephone interpretation.

In a way, that’s all I see these days: regret. I’ve fucked up so much and ruined so many friendships for various reasons that all I see now is loss. When I’m friends in one fandom they don’t transfer over; I’m just there. And slowly people fade, or break off from me, and I’m left where I started, feeling utterly, completely alone.

I feel like a fuck up. In every fandom I’m in, from Naruto to Fairy Tail to DC/Marvel, I feel like an utter fuck up. I feel worthless and desire to be dead more than I enjoy being alive. I don’t mean that I want to kill myself; I just feel a desire to be done with this slow suffering I seem to endure. But I can’t leave; there’s nowhere else to go.

Somewhere, I lost the ability to enjoy things, to befriend people, to be happy. I just feel like death, like the absolute opposite of anything worth something. An utter failure, and utter disappointment, a waste of everything. I hate myself. I hate my weakness and my failure. I hate how I drive people off without meaning to, because I am so desperate to be friends. To connect with someone. To actually feel like I have some connection to these people behind the screen. I am filled with envy, because I do not know how to do this. I thought that I did, and I was wrong. I’m a terrible human being, a terrible friend, and so much of my life is now regret over how much I’ve failed out, how much I’ve failed to improve on.

People ask why I reply so quickly, no matter what seems to be going on, and the reason is that I’m afraid. I’m afraid to lose anyone, to make them wait, because I am afraid they will lose interest. I fear this, and it happens anyway. I honestly do not know what to do. I am writing this, on the first blog that I ever had on Tumblr. And I will reblog it on all of my blogs, all of them, for those of you in these fandoms that do in fact know me. Because I feel so much regret, and I hope that my words reach those of you, even those of you who never want to speak to me again.

Before you worry, this is not a suicide note. I am not going to off myself, for I could never do such a thing to my family, as estranged as we often are. But I detest who I am, what I am, and who I have been unable to be.

I’m sorry for all my failures.

I’m sorry I’m such a mess.

I’m sorry for being such a pain and a waste of data upon the tumblr servers for so long.

I’m sorry for wasting all your time.

So, I’m crazy and made another blog. This one for Sean Garrison, who you might remember as the x-man Wallflower’s father. Also the guy they turned into a psychopath for House of M and then never did anything with him again. 

Because who doesn’t want an emotionally manipulative mutant psychologist who is known for acquiring wealth, women, and power by exploiting others? 

Though I think that because as far as I can tell the character was ignored after Wallflower died, I think there’s a lot of room for development and character growth. 

Hm...