A SIDE BLOG

i’m living in la still, working as a photographer, and have wins and losses along the way. i’ve done some of my best work, but i’ve failed on some of my most ambitious projects too. wins and losses, wins and losses. life is full of nuance.

my twenty-fifth birthday is approaching, and while a younger me would be appalled to learn that i have still never dated anyone and i am still financially unsustainable as a photographer, he would perhaps take some solace in the growth that’s happened along the way. positive line graphs, that’s what you want, ultimately. even if they aren’t as sharp as you’d like. 

while i haven’t found love, that lack has inspired my best work ever. i’m proud of it. i’ve been in therapy for a couple years, which unearthed my avoidant-dismissive attachment style—the knowledge of which has really shifted how i show up on dates and in relationships in general. i feel like i’m much better equipped now than i once was.

when i arrived in LA two years ago, a girl gave me a prophetic word. i was sitting in a field sharpening my sword even though it was already rather sharp, and I told the Lord that i wanted to go into battle, but he said to keep sharpening because it wasn’t time yet. and yeah, that’s been about right. i’ve done nothing but sharpen and sharpen and sharpen—in both my professional and romantic life—but to no avail. i still haven’t quite managed to get in the game yet.

she gave me a second word too, which was relatively simple. i was in a hallway, and i’d walk along and approach various doors and they’d just fly open. i wouldn’t even have to touch the handle. i’ve taken that to mean that whenever it is finally time to start, God will be the one who makes it happen.

i don’t really know how much longer i can hold on. maybe i’m underestimating myself. maybe i’m being dramatic. i’m not exactly sure what “letting go” would even mean, or if that would even be bad. i have let go, more or less, with relationships. i’ve stopped the dating apps and trying to make things happen on my own. i’m talking to a gal now, but only because she was sort of dropped in my lap.

with career...i just keep practicing photography. it can’t stay like this forever though. i’ve got to make more money. and i don’t know if i have the morale to stick with it much longer. 

i feel optimistic, because the line graph is still positive, but it’s been a long winter. it feels sad to be turning twenty-five and never have dated anyone. it feels sad to watch my bank account drop and drop and drop. but...i do believe, in some way, that this is going somewhere.