Okay. Imagine you are a soldier who has just won a war and you're feeling pretty good because this is a comedy so you don't actually have all that much trauma. yay. You and your boss who is also a good friend of yours plus your other friend plus the rest of the regiment are staying at your boss's friend's house. yay. Your boss's friend has a sweet, lovely daughter with almost zero personality, but like, she's adorable. Can't help but like her a little. Y'know? Your boss's friend also has a niece, and ooh. You have some history with the niece. Y'all were friends and maybe sort of teased the idea of courting, but you were (and still are) terrified of the idea of commitment and she's allergic to vulnerability, so you broke up and now you're carrying on a witty banter whenever you get near each other, because she's a real spitfire. It's great, you get to hang out with her, the banter is fun, it doesn't matter that she seems to hate you now. Who cares? You don't care. You are Benedick of Padua and you have two great (if slightly disappointing in the wit department) friends, and the three of you are going to continue on merrily forever.
Anyway, so you're at the estate and all, everything's hunky-dory, you snipe with Beatrice, (the niece) who may be the only one who can really keep up with your level of wit, and then you look over and Claudio (the not-boss friend) is making moon-eyes at the daughter, Hero (who names their daughter Hero, by the way?). Who, you might add, is not all that pretty, has no personality, and has maybe spoken three words in your presence.
Bro, you say, the fuck? You thought you three were going to be bachelors together forever, why are you losing one of your friends to (ick, eugh, blech) romance? He's going to lose all his character and go mooning after this homewrecker and, in short, your trio's down to two. And then Pedro (your boss-friend) encourages him. In fact, Pedro is going to woo Hero for Claudio. which is. that's weird, right? Has Claudio ever exchanged more than a couple words with her? Is she really worth dedicating his life to?
Also it should be noted here that you have a crippling fear of committing to someone only to be betrayed, which you're going to expound upon now by mocking anyone who wants to get married, saying that they deserve to get cheated on by being so stupid. Besides, you're bound and determined to die a bachelor, for no particular reason. Your friends respond to this by saying you should get married. Thanks, guys. Super helpful. Also, again, Claudio, why?
Anyway you go to the party that night in costume because it's, like, a masquerade or something, and you end up dancing with Beatrice, who looks gorgeous terrible. Just terrible. Not even that hot. And she starts talking about how stupid and pathetic and annoying you are, which is fine, totally fine, you don't care what she thinks of you anyway. But good lord, that's a sharp tongue. Yikes.
Anyway then more romance stuff happens (iugh, bluch, eck), and Claudio briefly thinks that Pedro stole his girl. You laugh at him and tell him Pedro wouldn't do something like that, and besides he's kind of talking like this is a business deal, isn't that weird? Anyway it gets resolved right off, you're kind of distracted. Does Beatrice really think that you're that pathetic? Not that you care. You deliver an entire monologue to Pedro about how she's mean and bitter and bossy and terrible to be around and how you'd never ever marry her ever and you can just stop talking about her, shut up, just to prove how much you don't care.
"Oh look," says Pedro, the author of all evils ever, "here she comes."
You do not run away. You make a dignified retreat, which is not at all the same thing as running away.
Anyway the next morning you have the worst hangover in the world and you're thinking about how terrible the whole institution of marriage is, and you swear to yourself that you'll never marry until you find an absolute paragon of a woman, which will never happen. And then who should come along but your two traitorous friends, and you still have the mother of all hangovers and you don't want to hear about how sickenly in love Claudio is.
They aren't talking about that.
Instead, they have an entire conversation about how much Beatrice loves you. And is never going to tell you because you'll mock her for it. And is dying for love of you.
To which news you react very sensibly, which means that you yell about it to yourself for a while and then the next time you see her you act like an idiot. Anyway she's in love with you, this is great, this is amazing, she doesn't hate you, all her mean words were because she loved you, thank goodness not that you'd care if they had been, anyway you're going to be the perfect suitor. You're going to woo her, and show her that she doesn't have to be afraid to tell you she loves you, and it's going to be great. You're walking on air. Shut up, Claudio. Shut up, Pedro. It's just the toothache. You need new friends, clearly.
Anyway the wedding comes around, and Hero looks radiant with happiness and Claudio looks - kind of odd. Probably nervous, you think, and then he stands up in front of literally every person who respects Hero in this town and publicly humiliates her and calls her a cheater and a whore and look, you understand that you have expounded certain views upon the proclivities of married women, but -
Hero? Really? The most innocent lady you've ever met is a cheater? Her?
Something's up. And also, this is kind of needless cruelty, hello. The poor girl's fainted, is anybody going to help - okay, yep, Beatrice has got her. You're not really sure what's happening. Everybody's yelling. Beatrice is crying.
"Is she okay?" you ask Beatrice.
"She's dead!" Beatrice wails.
Ohthankgoodnessshe'snotdead. Yet, you amend, as her father starts screaming. You tell him to calm down, you're as shocked as he is, no need for violence, okay? Beatrice, were you with her last night?
Beatrice was not. This does not look good. But Hero is sobbing, and in shock, and that does not look like the face of a brazen whore. Something is up here.
They decide to fake Hero's death, you agree to keep the secret, they all leave and now you're alone with Beatrice. Uh. Um. She's still crying. You don't think you've ever seen Beatrice cry.
"I love you," you blurt out.
She's still crying. Shit. Shitshitshit.
Oh and she's angry. Okay, you can deal with angry Beatrice. She asks you to kill Claudio. You can't kill Claudio. But also you don't recognize the boy you went to war with anymore, and she's really fucking mad at him, and she promises you that Hero is innocent, in which case he's ruined her life for no reason.
And you can't - you can't be friends with that. So. Okay. You go and challenge Claudio, and resign from the Prince's service, and tell them that they've killed Hero. And then you go and try to write a poem for Beatrice and fail miserably, and then she comes to see you (!!!!) and asks you to come with her (!!!!) to go talk to her uncle about a new development in the Hero Thing. Of course, you say, I will do anything for you forever and ever and ever, and so you go, and Leonato constructs a whole bunch of machinations and the next day there's another wedding after Claudio's shown his remorse, so you probably don't have to kill him after all, which you're kind of relieved about.
Anyway you show up to the wedding, and Leonato says that you can marry Beatrice today (!!!!) so. yay. You're still mad at Claudio but Hero forgives him, so it's fine. Also, where's Beatrice? Oh, there's Beatrice, Beatrice who's saying she doesn't love you? Well, fine, you don't love her either, but apparently she wrote you a poem -
OH SHIT PEDRO AND CLAUDIO FOUND YOUR MESS OF A POEM.
Oh well okay it's fine. Well. You'll marry her, and she agrees to marry you. Of course, you're definitely only doing it because you pity her. And she's only doing it because she's been persuaded to. Naturally. Completely unrelated, but you're happy enough to grow wings. You make amends with Claudio and let him know that you'll be watching him, so that's sorted.
Pedro's looking rather sad, now that both of his friends have gotten married. You clap him on the shoulders, look him in the eye, and tell him, "Get thee a wife."
It is a beautiful day in Messina, and you love your wife very much.
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