Things that give me anxiety money due to childhood trauma edition:
1) My parents have always been terrible with money. They both were not taught well for different reasons. My Dad’s Dad passed away when my Dad was 16. He became in charge of himself and his brother to some degree. My mom was a girl and would get married and be taken care of …it was the mid 70s.
2) They married at 18 had me a 19. Learned to rob Peter to pay Paul because my Dad would get his work check and head to the bar.
3) My parents divorced when I was 7. My mom’s parents did a lot for us (I have two younger siblings from my parents marriage and we are a blended family with my Dad there are 7 of us). No one still sat my mom down and talked to her about a budget or how to work her money. I grew up with my mom getting food stamps, wic (bread, cheese, powdered milk etc) assistance. Grilled cheese and tomato soup was a staple because we were given most of the supplies. I am so grateful for that assistance and know it was so necessary.
4) My mom was the lady who bounced checks my whole life. For years she couldn’t get a bank account because she had had one at all of the small banks in town. My grandparents would help her with most things if she told them there was an issue, clothes for school, cars they would pay and she would make payments to them…( she always stopped paying I knew because my grandmother would talk to me about it). My grandparents gave me the money (I had to count and roll coins from a giant piggy bank) for my drivers ed. I put it in the bank and my mom’s check bounced… they pulled me aside and told me I couldn’t get my permit until she paid. At 16 dentist told me I needed braces, then told me I couldn’t come back until my bill was paid. I never went back to the dentist because I was taking myself and making my own appointments at that point. I went back at 24 when I had a bad tooth and insurance again.
5) My Dad likes nice things always has. If it’s shiney and he has some extra money he’s purchased it. He lost almost everything he had a few years ago. His house/22acres of land, boat, car because he had to file for bankruptcy.
6)My mom when I was 14 stopped making payments on our house and told the whole family including my stepdad two weeks before we had to leave. She was too far behind and couldn’t get caught up.
7) my whole life has been shuffled here and there because someone didn’t pay something they deemed unimportant. My mom put an electric bill in my name and never paid for it while I was away at college and I had to pay 3000 to remove it from my credit.
8) My Dad recently came out of bankruptcy and is discovering he has some extra money. He’s currently renting a 3 bedroom house with a pool for he and my stepmom. He bought my stepmom a new car (which she desperately needed but maybe didn’t need so fancy). He has also now purchased himself two new guitars with amps and books… he doesn’t know how to play but has always wanted to learn. Told my stepmom when he passed they go to my youngest son.
9) My mom recently bought herself a new car… she knows nothing about cars trusts dealers and makes terrible calls about cars based on appearances.
In all of this I learned many things I didn’t want to do or be as an adult. My husband taught me a lot about money management and budgeting . I do all of that now. His bio dad was the same in many was to my parents with money he just did it with a doctors salary. His stepdad taught him money management.
We talk with our kids about living under their means, putting money in savings accounts of different types and not spending because they have extra all the times they have extra.
Both of my sons know their grandparents reality’s as far money goes. Neither is able to retire right now at 67…neither has the money to support themselves without a job. They have worked hard their whole lives with nothing to show for it other than bodies that ache desperately daily, and things they cannot control causing pain in ways they didn’t expect at 19 or 30 or even 45.
I hate where they are for them and for me. It makes me sad to see them repeat cycles with their money that put them back to where they started over and over.
I also know as an adult the only change I can make is with myself and what I have taught my kids. Hopefully I’m breaking these patterns for them.
