Normal Is Boring!

I still find it amazing how you were able to take my heart that was so scared to love again. My heart that felt like it couldn’t love another person again and make it feel so at home. You made me feel a different kind of comfort, and once again my heart felt at home. 

Before I even met you I had something to do on my list, It was to support any small time artist. Because some artists just never get the appreciation they deserve. Should I say Thank you Tiktok because you kept showing up on my “For you page”? turns out she’s really for me ahahaha. I was bored in my room stuck in home quarantine with Covid when I just had the bright Idea to replace my Discord Icon that held memories I wanted to cover up. Together with my Idea of wanting to support an artist and recently receiving my pay check from doing part time for my sister. I just up and asked you for your art commission rates. So I just went with it, a spontaneous decision to commission art work from you. Honestly I was really appreciating the level of service you gave me. So extremely polite with the way you talked with me and professional at that. You worked so quickly to since you said you might get busy. But you gave me updates and I just tried my best to get a convo going cause I just wanted someone new to talk to as well.

And so because of this very portrait our story began. 

I really loved how the portrait turned out! you know I keep getting amazed how I think that you just drew this with your finger on your phone. Trying it out myself has proven how difficult it could be. So I truly appreciate the art you make and the time it effort it takes to produce pieces like this.

Because of Home Quarantine I just wanted someone New to talk to, someone outside of  my regular circle. I wanted to distract my self. And so I just kept trying to start convos with you, And Turns out it felt so natural. Talking to to you and getting to know you just felt so natural. I didnt have to try hard to get the conversation going. It just flowed, even if you’d reply to me late when I wake up early, and you woke up in the afternoon. I’d saya good morning and you’d reply with a good afternoon with how late you always woke up.

Slowly but surely our conversations kept getting longer and longer and we were sharing so many things with each other. It felt so natural, I felt like myself. I was showing every side of me without fear when I was talking to you.  You turned me into an open book. I didn’t have to adjust my self just to talk to you. I was truly my self.

I love it how we started watching “ All of us are Dead” That really solidified our friendship. (friendship palang nun hehe) We kept watching an episode or two every other day until we finished. I like it how we just kept chatting when you wake up, and even after we finished watching an episode. like I keep saying things just felt natural and I didn't have to hide anything from you. I just showed myself bare and with no filters. 

Then came the day I never was expecting You confessing first really surprised me. I honestly Didn’t now what to do at first.  I didn’t want to reject you because you made my heart at peace. You made me feel a different kind of special. I was scared and didn’t know how to respond. You were someone I didn’t want to lose. So I expressed how much I like you too. But couldn’t get into a serious relationship because I wasn’t ready yet and well there was this fear I couldn’t keep a long distance relationship. Somehow I thought you wouldn’t speak to me again after that but things stayed the same. We still talked to each other all day.

Then came my bright Idea to actually meet you in person. I wanted to actually meet you and see how I felt around you. we were both shy at first but playing a game of Uno and eating pancakes broke the tension.

Such an awkward first picture but it holds so much meaning. Because on that day you took my hand when I offered it. You held my hand and I honestly didn't think that would work. The moment you held my hand after I gave you my little gift. I felt so comfortable with you. I took a chance and my heart was at peace. I knew I truly had feelings for you after we first met and this wasn’t just another infatuation.

Then we had a chance to go on an actual date a few days later and I knew. I honestly knew if I didn’t ask you on this day I wouldn’t ever get the chance again. I’m so glad I mustered up that confidence. I’m so glad we got to share an intimate moment like that and the timing was perfect. We officially became a couple. A couple who agreed that if things were going to be difficult because of circumstances and distance we would try our best for our relationship. 

Circumstances were difficult but we made the best of the time we had left before I left for japan. I did my best to bike 30km just to see you every other day in the mornings. Honestly it was a double win. I get to exercise and I get to spend some quality time with you.

At first we were hiding the fact that we were meeting in the morning. But through a series of events. I’m so glad I got to meet your friends and then your Parents. It wasn't how we wanted thing to be found out but hey It really made this relationship feel so real. I’m so glad I got to properly face your parents and talk to them. I wish I got to meet them on multiple occasions so they could get to know me better, but that's okay at least they know who I am.

The road ahead of our relationship is once again going to be difficult. But I promise to do my best even from afar. You gave my heart peace and security that it needed. I was so scared to fall in love again and be left again, I was feeling lost. I was honestly prepared to go the next few years alone to work on myself even more but you made me feel like myself again.  I was honestly myself again without having to hide anything. The love and support you give keeps me going everyday. You give me the confidence I need to take on the challenges I’ll be facing and I don’t know how I’d be able to do things so properly without you. I also dont know how I’ll be managing myself all alone here in japan if someone wasnt keeping me focused on my end goals.

Long distance isn’t easy but I love how we’re doing everything we can to make the distance feel like nothing. I can’t end the day without having Quality time with you and no matter how busy things get I promise to set aside time for you Love.

Thank you Eli for coming into my Life. I love you so much! Happy 3rd Monthsary <3

It’s been a few month since it happened. An Unexpected love that felt so true ended. It was an amazing journey I could tell you that. A world once dull and grey was full of colors and hope. It pains me to say I had to walk away from that. It didn’t end because we hated each other, it didn't end because we didn’t love each other anymore. It ended cause well things just weren’t working out. 

No matter what I tried to do. It just wasn't enough to give her the assurance she needed. Mistakes piled up and sorry just wasn't good enough anymore.  Even If I fought for a way to fix things it takes two to make it work. And if one just wants to give up every time? You end up both giving up. I felt like I was the only one fighting for it. Who wouldn’t get tired of a break up every month? unavoidable things if we communicated properly but sometimes my words felt like it never reached her. I could say a million things and sometimes it just wont reach. I felt inadequate again every single time. I doubted myself worth again. I was scared of being in the world that was grey and dull again. I was scared I wouldn’t feel happy like that again. But the once colorful world I lived in started fading. It wasn’t what I thought it was going to be anymore. 

Every fight, every misunderstanding took a toll on me. I was giving it my all, my absolute all. But in the end It ended up consuming me, it wasn’t healthy anymore. I wanted to keep on fighting for it, I really did. But she chose that route again, and I had enough. I just said okay, and I’ll choose myself this time. I walked away. It was no longer about saving US, it was more of I need to save myself this time. 

The days and weeks after that were difficult. I didn’t know how to act. It was extremely frustrating to be honest. Hid under the guise of we can stay friends. But honestly it wasn’t healthy for us to stay that way. We were still trying to hold onto something we should be both letting go of because it was just hurting us both internally.

Months have passed, do I still feel pain and regret from the ordeal? I think I do. But I can close the book on that chapter of my life now. A happy memory I can look back onto. Not a moment of my time was ever wasted in that relationship. Not a single effort wasted. Too bad it had to end in that way. I guess it’s just something that wasn’t meant to be. 

I’m okay now. I can confidently say I’ve moved forward. My world isn’t as colorful as it used to be. But I’m finding the old colors I used to have before it did turn grey again, all on my own this time. I can’t let somebody else be the one to color my world again. Its too scary to have my world go all vivid and back to grey in an instant. I’ll be coloring my own world from now on. If somebody comes along they can color it with me but they wont be the sole reason why my world becomes vivid. 

This morning I ugly Cried while driving home.

I was on my usual Liked songs playlist and a happy Silent Sanctuary song was playing,Summer Song. I decided to just go for it and jump to the album. It was fuchsiang pag ibig.

I used to listen to this album a lot in the early years of college. Why you must ask? I don't know I couldn't even fully relate to the songs. I just wanted to be emo I guess? But today,I could fully relate to the songs. Especially Kundiman. Which was my favorite song in the album. I listened to this song on repeat pretending I had a lover that wasn’t meant for me.

Last night we had an argument. We’ve had multiple arguments like this and in the end I was always able to piece everything back together and everything felt alright. We’re back to being a happy couple hopeful for what the future awaits us.  But this time it feels different. I feel like I’m on a cliff and She’s fallen off the cliff and I’m holding on to her. Grasping onto her desperately. Problem is she’s holding on ever so faintly. She was always ready to just let go and I was the only one just holding things  together.  I’m grasping onto her so desperately I feel like I’m hurting both of us. 

I’m so scared. I don’t want to lose her. My world before she came was so black and white. It was so routine. It was I just gotta have to get to the next day and start everything all over. There was no color. Then she came and brought me out of my shell and everything started getting better in life. Absolutely everything was getting better. Why would you want to let go of the person who did this for you. Who gave you hope for a better tomorrow.

When the Song “ Ingat Ka” Played. It a song about his partner leaving and him reminding her about the little things she should do to take care of herself. He was just preparing himself for her to go. Then all my fears just hit me. I started imagining it myself. I couldn’t bare the thought of her going away like that. I was on the highway and I just slowed down and just Ugly cried on the road. luckily I got to a part with traffic and I just let things flowed. 

I song never made me ugly cry like that. I’m so scared of losing her I started shouting please don't leave in the car. I don't want her to leave but she’s ready to just let go and leave me like that. What shitty about it is she doesn't have to do that but chooses to sacrifice herself and she thinks it would fix everything. 

Putangina why am I even listening to the song again as I type this.

Recently I’ve been trying to be on top of everything. To be the best at what I’m doing. Like in my previous post to be giving my absolute best. Honestly things are going smoothly. Honestly I’m totally loving that I’m able to do this now. I’ve always settled for less and everything was fine like that  but not anymore I can’t settle for less when there’s something something I really really want now. 

Now I’m trying to be strong. Emotionally and spiritually to be exact. It can get tiring when it feels like the world still isn’t exactly going your way.  I’m constantly reminded that you really have to work for the things you really really want. It’s a slow road. I guess, I’ve just been too used to taking the fast road. Every little bump in the road scares me, since I’m walking onto a new path in life now. I don’t really know where mistakes will take me now. I’ve taken too much time in college that I know where my mistakes would lead me to. But now? Oh fuck I don’t know what these little mistakes would do to me in the future.  

Being strong is tiring, but being tired is okay. It just means that you really are putting in the effort. Because I know everything will be worth it in the end. 

I’m so lucky to have a person in my life now that makes me strong. I honestly wouldn’t know what my attitude in life would be like right now without her. She’s been giving me so much strength and so much inspiration that it’s been giving me the confidence I need to take on the challenges that’s being thrown at me. 

sometimes I think what did I do deserve this? I haven’t done anything special nor have I done anything good enough to deserve something like this. But here we are now. I just want to prove to the world that this blessing that has been given to me is mine and I will cherish it and it will keep pushing me forward in life. 

All my life I’ve lived with the “okay na yan” mentality, I just need to get by and complete whatever it is at a satisfactory level right? As long as it passes standards, I guess that fine. I always lived with that mentality and it wasn't the healthiest mentality to be in. 

I suddenly realized what it’s like to try your best. She made me want to do that.  To strive and keep finding the little flaws I do, to optimize what I do and become the best I can be. I know I can’t fix everything. I just can’t , and I can live with that.  But I didn’t know that striving to do your best could be so fulfilling and tiring at the same time. Maybe I kneed to slow down a little and just try to improve myself slowly. I can’t take on life 110% everyday , even if I wanted to that, that is just a disaster and a burnout waiting to happen. 

It took me 8 schools years. 8 fucking years which was only supposed to be 4 and a half but I made it.                                                 I FINALLY MADE IT.  I fought for it , I didn’t give up. Even after getting booted from my dream course. Even after my world went black and I couldn’t see what was ahead. I fought through it. Depression and Anxiety I lived through it. Failed expectations , dropped responsibilities , failures upon failures upon failures. I lived with it.

There were so many nights where I just wanted to give up. I didn’t know what to do. I absolutely didn’t know what to think anymore. My mind was a total buzz I’d stare blankly into my screen scrolling through social media for a small chuckle. finding inspiration wherever possible. Everyday I’d wake up and do the same routine all over again. The daily grind was extremely tiring. In the end it was totally worth it. 

I rarely post here , I only visit tumblr when I’m absolutely bored or just randomly click on the bookmark. I always revisit my old posts , since I do only come here when I feel strong emotions. Emotions that matter in certain time periods of my life. Looking back a year from now I was in a really dark place , a really low point in my life. It was a struggle , it really was.

But hey here I am now ,honestly I’m doing way way better than I have been in the past few years.  I have a better outlook in life now and I have a direction again. Life doesn't feel that dark anymore , I can actually see a path I want to take again and not just walk aimlessly wherever my two feet could take me.  I’ve taken the initiative now, I control where I wanna go. Hopefully everything works out this year. We’re in quarantine right now it has given me some time to reflect and things are going to be alright from here on out.