Single Girl. Big City.

The past two and half years have been an interesting time in my life. Well, 2020 has been an interesting year in and of itself, but overall 2018 until now has been one big ball of chaos for this woman. In April of 2018, I finally convinced the man, and who I thought was the love of my life, to tell me that he had fallen out of love with me and in love with someone else. Y’all, emotional cheating is worse than physical cheating. I broke things off and then moved back in with my dad. I stayed there approximately two months before heading to Florida to work for the summer. When I came back, I moved to Charlotte, North Carolina. 

From that moment on, I was running. Running from the person I thought I was, who I thought I wanted to be, all of the memories, all of the people who supported the relationship, all the people who continued to support him after finding out how abusive he was to me. I wanted nothing to do with where I had lived and the people there sans my best friend and a couple that I had met through my ex. They chose me over him and it still makes me evil laugh. The only people who saw him for what he was stayed loyal to me. For those of you who don’t know, my ex was mentally and emotionally abusive. He made me feel as though my worth was attached to the number on the scale and how active I was being. 

I thought I was doing the right thing by moving and starting over, but as you may know, you can’t outrun yourself. While I did get a fresh start with my career and meeting new people, my dating life has been atrocious to say the least. I continue to make the same dumb mistakes as I did before. Cue therapy session after therapy session. It’s come to my understanding that I have been so wrapped up in my career and finding love again that I have not been taking care of myself. It’s finally caught up with me. My health is waning, anxiety is through the roof, and my mild depression is starting to not be so mild anymore. 

Three years. Three goddamn years I gave that man. And in those three fucking years, I gave him so many chances to tell me he wanted out but he didn’t take them. He didn’t fucking take them. He instead fed me lines that I wanted to hear which led me to start planning for our wedding as he said he was going to ask me. 

That date was supposed to be December 29. Now he’s engaged to the woman he cheated on me with. I. fucking. knew. it. It doesn’t take a genius to know when you’ve been replaced before you ever leave a relationship.

But I am done being your victim. I’m done feeling broken. I moved the fuck away to start a new life free of false friends, gossip, and of him. Best decision I’ve ever made. I’ve learned that I am my own best friend. I’ve went out on dates with some incredible people. I’m living my life on my terms once again. Free of judgement, free of ridicule, free of anyone telling me what to do or how to dress. I’m me again. 

I’m like everyone else when it comes to my own life. I want to make dumb decisions that I will regret later in life because I want to know that when I get older, and possibly occupying a room at a nursing home, that I lived my life to the fullest. I don’t like when friends, family, or society puts undue pressures on me or my relationships to be something other than what it is, and it’s amazing.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and four months and while we are practically living together, I do not pay any bills at his place. Yes, his place is slowly becoming ours but it’s still very much his place. I still call my dad’s house my home because it is still home. That, however, does not stop our friends from asking us when we are moving in together or, better yet, the look of shock on their faces when they find out that we are not officially living together. Even worse than that, our friends have begun to pressure him into asking me to marry him. This past weekend he ran his fastest half marathon to date (sub-2 hours) and the night before while staying with two runner friends, they ganged up on him asking when he was finally going to put a ring on it.

We have talked about the next steps for us and that doesn’t involve moving in together before this fall, nor does it involve getting married before we’ve been together for at least a few years. We are very much happy with where our life and our relationship is right now. We love and care for one another more than anything in the world. How do I know this? He shows it and never has to tell me. I can see it in his eyes, feel it in his touch, and sense it in the way he talks to me. 

I’ve been cynical when it comes to having a healthy relationship. Every single one of my friends have been in terrible relationships. Most of them consisted of emotional and mental abuse. I can even lump myself in that category as my ex mentally and emotionally abused me without knowing what he was doing. I always dreamed of having the relationships you see in movies, written about in cards or stories, and even the ones you google for when looking for pictures. I wanted a love that would grow from friendship and allow me to fall more and more every day. After my last relationship, I just knew that I would never get that from anyone. I would have to rely on myself to be happy, which at that time would have been impossible as I was still recovering from the year of hell. Fast forward and I would meet someone who would leave a lasting impression and change my whole life. 

I had practically given up on finding someone that would be my partner, my equal. I came to terms that I would be the mothering figure that no one wanted. Little did I know that I fell into that role because the boys I dated were just that, boys. I never knew what would happen when I met my now boyfriend on our first date. I told my friends that this probably wouldn’t end well and even told them that I would meet them later at the bar. I didn’t have the highest of hopes because I had been burned so much in the pass. I even told my boyfriend at the beginning of the relationship that I was still waiting for the ball to drop. Guess what? After 10 months, it hasn’t dropped yet. I stopped looking for something to go wrong and started enjoying myself. When I did that, my entire world changed. 

I went from a part time manager, runner, and healthy person to a full time, salaried employee who completed her first triathlon in the matter of months. For the first time, I wanted to be the person I knew I could be, the person my boyfriend could see. When he looks at me, he sees my soul. He sees the real me. He supports and encourages but most importantly, he challenges me. He is my best friend, lover, and partner. We fight like brothers and sisters, play like playmates, and talk as if we’ve not spoken in years. I finally found someone I want to share life with. I’ve gotten to the point where I want to go on this journey with him. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. 

Not too long ago my boyfriend was with his friends. Typical boys night of them drinking and reminiscing about days long passed and objectifying women, past and present. My boyfriend is different though. He treats every person with respect and doesn’t see the need to objectify anyone. He’s not like his friends. I question him often about how he fits in with his friends and neither one of us can figure it out.

On this particular night, however, one of his married friends posed a question. If someone better came along, would you leave your girlfriend for her? I’ll stop here and say “to each his own.” To my boyfriend’s friend, I’m probably a 2 or a 3 but to my boyfriend, I’m an 8.5 or 9. (Yes, I made him rate me after we had this conversation.) In my boyfriend’s eyes, you can’t get much better than me because he knows me, what I like, and what I want. He loves my mind, my body, and my soul. The futures that we want are very similar if not the same. We are kindred spirits and we knew how to long each other before we knew we were in love. He has literally become my best friend and my biggest fan (I fondly call him my fanboy because I’m his fangirl).

Knowing all of this, why would he want to throw it all away on something that seems better? This is his words, his thoughts, not mine. He said to me, and his friend, that while the new woman may seem better at first that new shininess wears off after a while. What if what you gave up was much better than your present with the new woman? You can’t go back and make it up. You’re stuck with what you have now. Why would I risk giving up something that brings me happiness, love, and support for something that I’m unsure of? I’m not.

High Maintenance versus Low Maintenance.

My friend starting dating a girl a while back that’s extremely high maintenance. She makes six figures but dreams of a guy who can take care of her. Excuse me but what?! Her aspirations by my standards are awful but a lot of woman want this time of relationship. She, however, has some major issues. She places so much emphasis on physical appearance and spends hours on end in order to be presentable. She also spends an insane amount of money on designer purses, shoes, and other miscellaneous items to help with her goal. She has a standard of living that most people cannot afford, or want for that fact.

This brings me to my question: what do men really want, high maintenance or low maintenance? In my inquiries, most guys fantasize about a drop dead gorgeous female, the trophy girlfriend or wife, but once they’ve attained this they often find that the female lacks the ability to hold a legitimate conversation. My friend in particular love this girl back in the day and now that they’ve found each other again he was excited. His excitement didn’t last very long though because he quickly realized at how materialistic she was now. He actually said to me: “I just want someone I can hang out with and talk to.” His new girl lacked the ability to carry on conversations outside of questioning him on his entire life.

When I asked my boyfriend (he’s slightly biased), he said that he’s always valued a brain over looks. “Looks can fade and can be manipulated, a brain is a brain forever.” Someone who lacks the ability to talk and discuss just about anything means more to him than having a trophy girlfriend or wife. One who isn’t superficial normally falls for the brain first and then their feelings grow to include looks and those annoying little tendencies that they find adorable.

When it comes to the guys I’ve dated, I’ve never been the one for looks. Have a great conversation with me, make me laugh, and most importantly, make me feel loved, that’s what gets me. It has nothing to do with having a rich guy bank roll my life. I don’t want that and never will. I can pay for myself thanks. But I do like having my boyfriend be chivalrous and pay for dinner or a movie. There is a huge difference. He doesn’t pay my bills, I do. He pays for dinner and other things because he wants to and occasionally he lets me treat him.

Relationships are a two way street. Females, you should not expect a guy to bank roll your life, and males shouldn’t have that expectation of females. The only way that should happen is if it’s what they want. You should never, ever expect someone to do it because most people won’t. They are looking for a genuine connection that’s deeper than face value. Most men, and women, are looking for low maintenance partners because these people are more than likely not superficial and have other features and characteristics that are more appealing for long-term commitment.

We are all hurt at one point or another when in dating world. All of us have to be a little bit of a masochist to date. We either stay with the wrong person for all the wrong reason or we push the right person away because we think we don’t deserve them. We are all guilty so don’t try to say you’ve never done it. The problem becomes after being in shitty situations for so long we start doubting ourselves. We start questioning our ability to actually date and choose a mate. I have been guilty on more than one occasion of saying I shouldn’t be in charge of my own love life. I truly thought I would always chose the douchebag, the user, the guy who would never be able to commit to anything except his partying lifestyle.

Enter my now boyfriend. He’s what every girl dreams of in a guy. He’s thoughtful, sweet, caring, romantic, and he’s not afraid to say it to everyone. He’s also not afraid to show me off to all of his friends and family. He is what I dreamed of having in a mate. He has the majority of the qualities I want in a guy. I mean he’s scored the highest out of anyone. Here’s where the but comes in unfortunately.

In Sex in the City, Carrie stated that she wanted the all consuming, insane love. We all should have that but with the man who has all the non-negotiable qualities I want, I don’t feel that all consuming, insane feeling that I’ve had with my exes. This scares me and makes me wonder if I’ll ever fill it towards anyone else. I’ve talked with friends and they are telling me that what I’ve found is mature love, a love that grows over time as we get to know each other better and get closer to one another. Here’s why I’m not worried about my lack of insane love:

I appreciate the little things he does for me. He may not say those 3 words but I know he does because he shows me.

I adore him immensely. This adoration will lead to a mature love because I’ve taken the time to get to know him and vice versa.

We both want to spend an insane amount of time together but ultimately have a life outside of our relationship. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

We both are very much interested in the mundane details of each others’ day. He’s an engineer and I’m a writer, we couldn’t be more opposite but each of us care to ask because we are genuinely interested in one another.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything, mainly due to my new relationship. Though I have found myself with the label of “girlfriend” again, it doesn’t feel like I’m someone’s one and only though I very much am. We only see each other maybe 1-3 days a week but we text throughout week just to stay in touch. He doesn’t really make me a priority in his life because he does have so much that he wants to accomplish but i know he cares for me. And no, we have not said those three little words yet and it’s been 3 months. (He’s lasted longer than anyone else sans Mr. Auburn.)

The thing that I have noticed though is that I’m not alone when I say my relationship doesn’t really feel like it should. Talking with friends and family I’ve learned that what I’m doing now, is what I should’ve been doing all along: taking things slowly. Yes, we may have rushed into sleeping with one another but he’s still here and it took us 5 dates to do the deed. What bothers, or rather concerns me, is that I haven’t felt that ridiculous spark. You know, the insane feeling that you get caught up in when everyone tells you you’re blinded by “love.” I haven’t gotten and I truthfully don’t know if I ever will and I like it that way.