Hiro

negligence and psychopathy since childhood emotional abuse i've had since i was just a kid only traumas and traumas stuck in my memory i'll stay quiet after all, that was once my hope Where are you going? i think we're going too far i got used to having effective control over ur life that satisfied me.

its completely my fault for being like this XDD i shouldve js committed when i could, when nothing held me back but as much i care abt her i cant do it, she would die probably or maybe its just me, is it codependency both ways? or is it me the dependant one, the one who would die without her, im so fucking fed up i wish she was fully dependant on me, or she is?

idk and im tired, i want to die but i want her too and if everything its on my mind its my mistake if she aint dependant on me i would js commit "unhealthy relationship" STFU i just want HER to be OBSESSED with ME, after EVERYTHING i do for her, reassuring, caring and loving her, i cant she keeps saying shes gonna kill herself every FUCKING day, im so fucking tired like I DO TOO i do everything she says and i give her everythin for what? what if she isnt even dependant on me all that for fucking nothing? im so fucking tired

i just want her to only need me and only me it pisses me off sm when she talks to others like atp just ask THEM for attention not mine maybe im js toxic, full control of her doesnt sound at all bad but idfk im just tired thats all.

the only thing i've ever wanted was to be normal always got treated like i was an outkast did i deserve to be alone? did i deserve to suffer?

grew emotionally and socially dettached i don't matter as much as others, i'm just there and nobody will ever fucking understand me "i'm there for you no matter what" lies XD

no matter who reads this shit you wont get it you can't comprehend my feelings or what i feel i don't know who i am everything feels fake one day i'll disappear and everyone will wonder "what happened?" nothing happened, i'm fine the day i kill myself there won't be no messages i will just do it and end my fucking misery.

i'm completely fucking done.

I thought i was getting better but they were just fake hopes, i cant, ill stay like this till i die. forever stuck in not knowing who am i or where i am, therapist does nothing but to ask questions that i dont even know the answer for.

i give up, forever stuck in a loop of staying or not i cant keep living in a filthy delusion out of fear. it chases but maybe i should let it catch me.

even tho i dont recognize myself, i think im alive surviving atleast and thats smth to be proud of.

everything will fall into place in anyway possible.

will it ever get better? i can see the light outside of the curtain but no matter how much i try, ill never see the sun shine through my window.

i forgot how the sky looked like maybe one day i'll remember, will i be able to feel real? or in reality death is the only way out of this pothole?

The sorrowness in my heart can't be overtaken, doesnt matter how happy i get.

It will forever be there waiting to enter my heart once again.