But instead I slink into an airport bathroom and pray for the strength to wait for my flight. Clutching the lethal dose of Klonopin to my chest.

Knees to my chest in the darkest corner of my room.

Weighted blanked. Plushie. Inhale. Exhale.

Difficult breathing. Heart wrenching sobs.

Klonopin.

Silent tears.

Today I had an appointment with a Dr who I’d had two previous brief visits with. She’d seen me bouncing around and took it upon herself to take me on and fit me into her patient list.

We booked FOUR follow up visits. Once a week.

She took in a good amount of my history… and though it was a very teary session, she told me I was courageous. I don’t think I’ve have ever associated that word with myself. I tried to brush it off and she made it a point to get me to see what she does. I am trying. I’m showing up. I’m persistent. I’m always early. And with each let down she saw me experiencing while searching for help, I kept trying.

I don’t want to struggle anymore. I know that much. I don’t need to be wealthy and popular. I just want to WANT to be alive.

She told me plainly, I will never get past my trauma if I don’t complete the grieving process. It’s been 20+since my childhood. It’s been 14 years since my abduction. It’s been 6 years since my Fugue state ended. So I’m looking at the stages of grief, identifying where I am with each of my life altering traumatic events.

It’s hard to hold hope. But I’m trying to see this positively.

This Dr didn’t have to take me on. She made space for me. She held her opening spots from filling knowing I needed someone. Maybe this is actually gonna stick.

I was never supposed to live this long.

I believe that with every fiber of my being.

Now I'm holding one in my hand.

The blade shiny. Almost whispering. Begging to let it have a taste.

I can't afford a piercing. I can't afford a tattoo.

What I do have is a mildly sharp exacto knife.

Never-ending tears.

Constant heartache.

And no desire to exist.

I can't get out of this bed though. I can't sleep without pills. I'm never hungry. I ache constantly. My soul feels suffocated in this body.