Stream by Nonatized

There’s a day I could totally breathe and continue my life. And then there’s one random morning where I just sit and cry for hours.

I still can’t imagine how you offered me dreams and future, then suddenly you discarded me like I was nothing, like those happy years were not real. I am so tired of you, but I love you. I am so sick of you, but I love you. I can realize you’re heartless, but I love you. I can realize you’re a coward, but I love you. You are a liar, but I love you. I don’t know what’s worse, loving you is so painful, but not loving you is killing me. I hate you and I love you. You really don’t deserve my love, but I love you. I wasted my time thinking about you, because I love you.

I hate you i hate you i hate you

And for me, I have reached the point where I begged and prayed to my ancestors, the sun, the sky, the blood running through my veins, the universe, and every cosmic force or divine power I could think of, hoping that somehow they would help you see the love I have for you.

I have reached the point where loving you hurts me, but not loving you feels like it would kill me.

I have reached the point where I even thought about visiting your family one last time to tell them how much they meant to me, to thank them for making me feel like I had already found the family I had always wished for, and to say goodbye. I thought maybe saying farewell to them would give me the closure you never gave me.

I have reached the point where I still think about giving you the guitar we once talked about for your birthday, because I promised you I would.

But none of it matters anymore.

You had already emotionally checked out of what we once called love… long before I ever realized it. I never saw your departure coming. I never noticed the moment you quietly started closing the door on us.

I wish I had seen it sooner. I wish I had known the day before you left me, so I could have held you a little longer and told you just how deeply I loved you, how you had become half of my soul, so you wouldn’t leave me alone the next day.

Maybe then I would have known what to do with all the love I still carry for you.

But now, I have reached the point where I will simply let this love remain in my heart. Untouched, unspoken, and carefully preserved, because I no longer know where else to put it.

And I’m tired… My body aches… I really need to rest.

Just finished Lisa Tuttle’s My Death, this book is just sooo… omg how can i explain??? It’s sooo good. It’s a rare feeling that i got both this kind of feeling: BIG confusion and also I GET IT at the same time. You are not sure whether is this a literal identity swap event??? or is this just metaphor? Or is this a fictional construct within the narrator’s mind??? ALL OF THEM ARE CONVINCING ENOUGH to do the crazy work out of your mind. Crazy enough to make you believe all of them. This book left me so speechless which i think is some of the highest praise i could give a book. Very uncanny. Match my weird girl lit fic interest.

My brain just made a connection between this book and Persona (1966 film by Ingmar Bergman), both are about two females, having some kind of ‘identity blend’, the difference is Persona feels like identities are merged into one, while this one feels like “i’ll never dead, because i’m looping my life, my existence, in another body (whether it’s just happened inside my mind, or literally and physically”. But both have this distinct vibe of eerie feeling when you watch/read them, and the idea of losing the boundary of self is portrayed in both works. This book gives you chills.

If you have watched Persona 1966 (which I’m a big fan forever of it), the core concept you got when you finished Persona is probably “do their souls merged into one soul?” And in Lisa Tuttle’s My Death, your got the core idea of “if you look closely to someone else, learn them, study them, eager to know this someone’s life, could you become this someone? Could you stuck there? Could you stop being yourself?”

Oh I’d love to discuss about this book with someone who has read it, SO EAGERLY!!! This work of fiction truly touched something in me. I’m aware of the feminist side, and i am agree to all Goodreads’ opinions about this matter, which I noticed too when reading. That adds a layer of complexity for me. Imagine how crazy it is that a short, one-sitting, 100s pages of book can make you grasp the creeps, the horror, the bizarre, and also touch the very woman in you.

CONCLUSION:

I FINISHED THE BOOK ❌ THE BOOK FINISHED ME ✅

The meme I could only think of is this one:

This is the kind of short book that actually gets you out of a reading slump. I finished The Appointment in ±3 hours, tandemly with the audiobook narrated by the author and the e-book around 144 pages (thank you Libby for this combo). It’s unsettling, ironic, eerie, but also… very, very sad in that quiet way that stays with you after you close the book.

To make it clear to all of you who read this post, basically the hook plot is something that made me so interested, I didn't even need a pause at all. So, this book is about the unnamed narrator, a German-born person assigned female at birth, is sitting in a psychiatric appointment with Dr. Seligman, a Jewish doctor, right before undergoing a gender-affirming procedure. And instead of a normal conversation, she just… talks. Non-stop. About her body, her past, her fantasies, history, everything. In The Appointment, Dr. Seligman is present the whole time, but we never hear his actual dialogue, everything we know about him comes through the narrator’s reactions and assumptions (and that's why this book is categorized as a monologue book).

She’s there partly because of a workplace incident where she threatened to staple a coworker’s ear to their desk (she's not actually did it, which she insists makes it “not violence”), and instead of charges, she was sent to therapy. So this whole monologue feels like something between a confession, a performance, and a breakdown, and from the very first lines, you can already tell this isn’t going to be an easy read. You will be as interested as me if you're planning to read this book, trust me!

Girl be like: “i’m just giving u an acupuncture session babe”😭

this is my first time reading a turkish classic, and i didn’t expect madonna in a fur coat to feel this… intimate.

the story follows raif efendi, a man who moves through life almost like a ghost, present but never fully there. as someone who loves solitude, i wouldn’t even call what he has “solitude.” solitude, to me, is something you choose, something that can feel full, even comforting. what raif has feels closer to emotional exile(?), like he has quietly stepped out of life and decided to watch it from a distance.

and maybe that’s why it unsettled me. it reminded me of my early adulthood phase, when i deliberately made myself small, stayed in my own little box, avoided connection like it was something dangerous. back then it felt safe. but looking back, it also felt empty, like i was there but not really living.

as the story unfolds, we start to understand why raif became like this. and yet, even with that understanding, i couldn’t fully agree with him. his view of people often felt unfair, almost like he had already decided the world would disappoint him, so he stopped giving it a chance. he’s deeply cynical, and at times it irritated me. but at the same time, that’s exactly what made him feel real. he’s not written to be liked, he’s written to be human.

People should really start to exercise their eyes fr because why u guys can't tell? No matter how tech bros promoted it by saying "super realistic", trust me it won't. There's some 'hollowness' in it. Editing or adjusting a photo or video is not equal for using AI or being an AI man idk😭

And I'm rejecting the idea to take it as a compliment when someone said it to me or to other people who actually took pictures and videos of ourselves. Our beauty is not equal with that crap bffr. Why don't u guys say oldschool stuff like "you're so unreal", "you're a goddess", "you're so beautiful", "you're out of this world", "you look like a dream", "you're breathtaking" anymore? I'd prefer that!!!