Anonymous Pen

I’ve been trying to find a word that wraps up 2022 nicely and I keep going back to the word STABLE.

Don’t get me wrong, there were lots of turmoils and changes the past year - big ones. Sure, Bangtan have announced their hiatus and I got my first dose of a member enlisting for the military (we have to go through this SIX MORE TIMES how). Sure, I may have rocked the boat by leaving my 4-year job and starting fresh. Probably the worst of all is having a new ~president that isn’t only the son of a dictator-murderer-thief but is also highly incompetent vs the leader we could’ve had. Now we’re paying the price for the next six years.

Still, compared to the drama-filled 2018 which only got worse by 2019 and the dark pandemic years of 2020-2021, 2022 feels relatively….calm?

◾ A QUARTER OF A HUNDRED ◾

I didn’t fully realize it then but writing this down, it sunk in that I turned 25 this year. Welcome to the quarter-life crisis phase, girl! But seriously, it never occurred to me ‘til now that I’ve been around for 2 and a half decades, gathering experiences and lessons and just… being alive.

Maybe that’s why the year felt “sturdy” in comparison to the past 4 years. After 4 years experiencing high school and then 4 years of adapting to college, it took me another 4 years of ~adulting to be ready for yet another step towards holistic growth. Seems like 4 years is the average time before change seems noticeable huh? Or maybe that’s just me.

I wonder if my Self 4, 8, even 12 years ago would’ve thought I’d be who I am now. Would she be proud?

Nonetheless, Present Me is just really relieved I’ve made it this far. This current moment is the most grown I’ve ever been, albeit a bit less mature than how I will be tomorrow. It’s daunting to think but isn’t it also exciting? The sheer potential of being more than what you are now and the prospect of advancing to something better?

◾ MASTERING MY FATE, CAPTAINING MY SOUL ◾

May it be turning 25 or it’s just the 4-year phase coming into play, what I’m sure of is that this semblance of development I’ve had the past months influenced how I’m looking back at 2022. I guess what I’m saying is that the continuous growth helped equip me better to handle emotional storms and challenges headed my way.

This made me view it as a stable year since for the past 12 months, I no longer felt like I’m being blown away by struggle after struggle or that I’m just going with the flow. I emerged out of the 2018-2021 funk stronger so despite whatever came, I was ready to handle it the best way I know by 2022.

A big manifestation of this maturity last year was me leaving my old job. I’ve been meaning to resign for a while but it never felt right. I’ve talked about it in length previously but in essence, there is really never a good time to leave.

What made it different this time is that I was ready to make the decision for myself.

During those deciding moments, it feels like I’m actually in control of my life - doing what’s best for me and having a firm stance on what I want. My entire employment there, I’ve had so many roles assigned by management (or at the very least, determined suitable for me and was highly encouraged to take), and whenever I wanted to quit, I kept on basing my decision to stay for the sake of the company and others I’m leaving behind.

My 2022 self was brave enough to put herself first and reach for something else that she has chosen for herself; not thinking of others nor latching on to what they think is best for me.

It wasn’t easy and it definitely didn’t happen overnight but the experiences and wisdom earned throughout the years shaped who I am, molding a version of me that is committed to jumping into the driver’s seat to steer her life but still being level-headed (aka without the 2019 recklessness.)

◾ ONWARDS AND UP ◾

Circling back to the very first part of this lengthy piece, I guess the biggest lesson I’ve learned that I’m carrying over is the value of the present and appreciating who I am now instead of continuously comparing it to old versions of myself because hey, there really is some positive change!

As a nostalgic and sentimental person to the core, I always like reminiscing about the past. It’s a treasure trove of lessons and memories but at the end of the day, it is what it just is - the past.

Yes, it can help you make more informed decisions and serve as a guide but you still have to apply it to the present for it to matter. Instead of dwelling on what ifs and could’ve beens, better to take pleasure in the now and relish in it.

Because every second you’re stuck in the past is a second of missing out on what’s in front of you.

July 3, 2022

I officially submitted my resignation letter today.

While I have had The Talk with my manager, our country marketing head, and my direct reports the past weeks, it felt real today. After almost 4 years of this, it is finally coming to an end.

It is indeed a bittersweet feeling but the excitement brought by being on the brink of a great new adventure takes precedence.

Today felt like a relief, a release of breath I’ve been holding ever since I got word of interest from this new shiny, magical company. The past weeks were emotionally exhausting with anxiety and sentimentality grappling with each other.

LEVEL ONE:

It was difficult to bring forth the very first conversation with my manager, not because I’m having second thoughts but because I feel like it’s hard to express my reasons professionally. On top of that, I’ve grown in a mindset that all your decisions have to be supported by logical reasons - reasons that should have accurate, determinable outcomes that end up with being better.

But that’s the thing right? At the end of the day, it goes back to your intuition, your gut feel, and your belief that this new thing is the best next step. There will always be a sliver of uncertainty, but deep down it boils down to knowing the risk and still taking the plunge with the belief that it will all work out in the end. That is being fearless.

LEVEL TWO:

My conversation with the country marketing head was easier in a professional level. Since my manager had already broken the news to her, there was less anxiety on how to bring it up. However, the difficulty of the conversation doubled because of the fact that I feel more emotionally connected with her.

Of all our CMHs, I can say that she’s my favorite. With her ability to lead firmly and yet empathically, her leadership style was something I admired and even her as a person was nothing short of admirable.

I tried to remain professional during our conversation but I just lost it when I told her about my biggest fear: that my decision would disappoint her when I worked my hardest to make sure she is proud of what I’ve accomplished because that’s how much her validation means to me.

Eventually, during our second conversation, my fears were placated when she looked at me with pride after I told her my story. She smiled at me saying, “you’re amazing and I’m sure you’ll be blessed a hundredfold for everything you do.” That’s all I needed to hear. If I could hug her, I would’ve right then and there.

LEVEL THREE:

I didn’t know how to tell my direct reports, knowing that they’ll take on the brunt of the work I’m leaving behind, albeit temporarily.

But above that, what makes it even more difficult is how they’re all fairly new and I have to leave them behind so soon.

I couldn’t really care less about leaving the work behind. As my CMH said, a job is a job. You leave, you get replaced. But what’s making it so difficult really is leaving the people behind. Sure, there are promises of not forgetting but it’s a fragile oath that can be easily swept under the rug once real life gets in the way.

The past months of returning to the office enabled me to welcome our new joiners and get to know them better. I feel like I’m actually making genuine connections with people or at least, having great potential at new friendships.

It’s part of my lump of insecurities, I guess. Of not being good at friendship and having people adopt me into their circles. Ever since, I’ve felt like an outsider in every group because they were already established before I came into the picture or because my inclusion doesn’t necessarily equate to belonging.

With these new connections, I feel like it’s me actively participating in these relationships, instead of just getting swept along. Now, I have to leave it behind just when things are starting to get good.

I’m just gonna miss them genuinely.

There’s never a good time to leave. It’s always gonna be a bad time. But like what I told my higher ups, I think now is the best possible time. When things aren’t falling apart and there are good plans on how to move forward.

Things are good at present, which makes it harder to let go knowing what you’re leaving behind in terms of work and relationships.

But I have to focus on myself now. For the longest time, I’ve put the company and the work and the team first, at the cost of my own sanity. It’s been a long while since I last prioritized myself first and put my foot down on a decision I’ve made entirely for myself versus other people steering me towards where they feel is best for me.

All I can say is: about damn time.

In fact, the few people I told about my decision outside work said the exact same thing. These people who saw me breaking down over being underappreciated and overworked. These people I ran and whined to for almost every single day. These people who knew my struggles of having to always be ready to come to the rescue when work needed me. These people who I literally went on a vacation with while bringing my laptop along because I just can’t leave it at home. These people who are so proud and happy with this new direction.

Right now, only a select few people at work know and I like to keep it that way. I told my managers to keep it on the down low for now because I didn’t want to deal with the “oh no you’re leaving” sentiments for any longer than I needed to. 

Not to give too much premium on my presence but I just KNOW that my teammates who leaned heavily on me to help with work and the same people who became my friends for a short amount of time will have a lot to say. I know at the end of the day, they’ll be happy for me but it won’t completely take away the sting of me moving away.

TO THE EXCITING  PART

I’ve always struggled with knowing my value and what I can offer. As someone who measures her worth against the things she could give, that is terrifying. Receiving good things especially in my career was never my forte.  Even when I got that hard earned promotion, my manager still had to assure me that the company is not a charity and it was given because I deserve it, contrary to what my brain says.

I guess that’s the problem. I never think I deserve the good things that I want, no matter how hard I work for it.

With this new thing, doubt comes in that maybe I’m biting off more than I can chew but there’s no turning back now. I just have to believe in my mantra that all best things start scary. Besides, with all the people I’ve talked to, I don’t think they would’ve given me this if they didn’t think I’m good enough.

If I’m going to be completely honest, I think part of the worry comes from being completely unprepared. I’ve been so busy dealing with emotions (my own and of those around me) and making sure things won’t fall apart when I leave that I have no time to process what’s coming next.

The fact that all these big changes are happening on my birth week is also overwhelming. But hey, if there’s one way to kick off my quarter life with a bang, this is it!

I know I've always been bad at having friends and maintaining friendships.

Sure, I'd have consistent folks to be with at school, at work. But even within these circles, I feel like the expendable friend.

I used to think I'm okay with it; that I'm used with these friendships of convenience; of friendships forged through constant day to day proximity, only to fizzle out after a handful of "i miss you"s and "we should all hang out"s that never materializes.

I still am.

But some days, days like these, the loneliness catches up and makes me realize how much I yearn for these connections. The sense of belongingness I never really got to feel anywhere.

At the end of the day, I can only count on one hand the number of people I can really, truly consider as friends.

Someone once told me that maintaining friendships takes work and you need to put an effort on things you want to keep.

How do most people find that easy? To keep up relationships throughout the years? To keep finding themselves in groups of people they've known for so long they're like second family?

I guess that's why I find being in niche interest groups so fulfilling. Because there's a sense of belongingness even if it's never really deep, know-you-personally friendship. It's the temporary connection, really, but a connection not any less valuable than a kinship tarnished by history.

I recently went to an event alone where I knew no one. Unlike some people, my introversion doesn’t really limit me from doing things like this - of going to places even if I have to socialize on my own.

After seeing one of my posts about that event, an acquaintance messaged me saying:

trans: “you always make friends in every event you go to even if you’re solo/alone!!!

Fun fact: this acquaintance is someone I met at an event I also went to alone 😅

It’s when I understood that making friends isn’t my problem. Keeping them is.

At 24, I still feel like my world is as small as a marble. Likely a great contributor as to why I never got to build lasting connections. Because I never truly got to leave my nest. Because I've never fully brought my guard down. Because very few people had the patience to scale up my walls.

Not even to brag but I think I am a good friend, a great friend even. Someone reliable that's gonna stick through good times and bad. As unhealthy as it seems, my non-confrontational self and people-pleasing personality makes it easy for me to gel with different kinds of people, going with the flow wherever it takes.

It's just that I suck at communicating and reaching and I've learned that those are key things for friendships to thrive.

Typing that out made me feel like a hypocrite for claiming to be a good friend.

Still, isn’t real friendship not that fragile to crumble over a period of silence? That no matter how long it goes, you know they’ve got your back anytime?

Why do I not have that? Except for a select few, I never really got to feel I can talk to my so-called friends about things that matter and vice versa. In our circle, everyone knew about what’s been happening with each other’s lives, except for me. 

My mom has her group of best friends since her college days. Up ‘til now, they still stay connected and even their kids are well acquainted, going on trips together and celebrating birthdays occasionally.

Thinking about it, will I be able to be part of my friends’ families? Will I get to see them grow old and be part of momentous moments in their lives?

I have my family, my cousins, my aunts. I know that. Whatever happens, they got me. But sometimes I wonder if that's only because we'll never be far away from each other. Is it yet another friendship of proximity? 

Aside from that, isn't it a bit pathetic to not have a life outside your family? I love them unconditionally, of course. But not just because some people are content walling themselves to family doesn't mean I do to.

We’ve had numerous experiences, lessons, firsts and I can say I don’t really know much about it other than what you opt to share on the faceless internet, or the little whispers here and there from mutual friends who get news from other mutual friends. Just your usual grapevine gossip.

While I watch you grow, and thrive, and wither from afar though, I guess after all these time, what I just wanted to say is:

I hope you’re happy.

I mentioned this to you before, though you probably have no recollection of it anymore. It was my first letter to you back then. Needless to say, it was a retreat letter and I gave one to everyone in class so it doesn’t really count, maybe. It counts to me though. Especially since you clutched a retreat letter back for me on the last day of the trip, writing it in black crayon because you lost your pens and apologizing because your letters for others were type-written and prepared prior. I should’ve felt like an after-thought but it didn’t matter. You didn’t even had to give me something back. In fact, I didn’t expect you to, just because I did.

I don’t usually know what to say and my words are often harvested after hours and hours of thinking. The fruits of these, I don’t usually share with others especially when there’s too much things left unsaid.

But it was a time when I wanted to.

That letter was me wearing my heart on my sleeve, expressing volumes of things I wanted you to know and reflecting on memories I tucked in the farthest corners of my mind, occasionally bringing it out and caressing it with fondness.

Looking back, I do reminisce at all my shared memories with you through soft lenses. I believe it’s far from naivety now, unlike before when I look up to you just like how I literally look up to the heavens that share your name. Now, even as I’ve grown, the sheer admiration remains and has never faltered in the past years. I look at you through the screens and get filled with pride, seeing you be more comfortable in your own skin, doing something you love, something you’re good at. I scroll through your posts noticing the slivers of the things I admired back then, seeing them unchanged by time. Those moments, the long gone feelings twist in their grave, reminding me that they existed once upon a time.

It’s no longer the kind of feeling that burns, though, but I would be lying if I say that it doesn’t make me feel like a teenage schoolgirl anymore.

Just the mere thought of you brings back that sense of simple affection. It was complex at the time - I was young and foolish and impressionable. But now I realized it’s the kind of feeling that makes you giddy and sweet, even until now.

The same reason why I now want to sit down and put this into writing 8 years later. It was constantly triggered by a lot of little things over the years - an old photo, a lingering memory, a friend casually dropping your name in conversations. But today, you hopped on this trend where you share photos of you in college and I couldn’t help but smile seeing that boy I’ve decided I wanted to get to know more even before we’ve met in person for the first day of class.

You look so different now, with your brightly colored hair and contact lenses and bolder fashion choices. Maybe that’s why seeing a glimpse of that guy again opened the bittersweet gates, hitting me with so much nostalgia.

I don’t really know what to say, maybe even on the off chance we get to meet in person again. Probably in a reunion years from now. Maybe I would get the courage to jokingly say, “hey, you know I’ve had this crush on you during freshman year, right?”

And maybe I would get confirmation to the rumors that you liked me back then too, but during a time when I’ve already moved on.

Or maybe you’ll laugh it off saying, “thank you for telling me, even if I never saw you that way.”

I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter now, does it?

Whether or not it is true, we missed our chance as if there really was a chance in the first place.

And in all honesty, I’ll admit that the not-knowing has its own charm. The rare kind of what-if that doesn’t open a gaping hole in my stomach, but rather the kind of could’ve-been that leaves a lasting impression that at least there was a possibility back then. It was just untapped, probably the way the universe intended it to be.

This throwback is honestly giving me such a whiplash but as I said, the mere memory of you is always something I look back at with tenderness, and yes, even the embarrassing parts, I can laugh at now too.

My oldest memory would be me, going through the members of our block’s Facebook group and seeing you and deciding right then and there that you’re an interesting person. The way I was giddy knowing our travel home is along the way, and me trying to “accidentally” run into you during the commute home (which never happened). Eventually, you and your friends riding home and inviting me along, to which for some reason I stupidly declined.

That time when I was your first pick for a group project, picking me above your closest friends. Or that time you shared an umbrella with me on the way to a class trip to an amusement park. I remember my first time at Subway because we were grouped together for a report, and that time when the entire class was teasing me for being obsessed with the color blue. Everyone teased me endlessly those days especially when we get grouped together for schoolwork. There was also this pleasant surprise when you know this obscure song I really liked or that you’ve read an unknown series I enjoyed. And then remember during that party? You offered to share half a tequila shot with me because everyone was drinking and you know I don’t.

I also remember taking photos with everyone during events just so I have an excuse to get a photo with you. Now that I see it, maybe you never really knew how I felt or you didn’t want to assume because I always lumped you with the others - through the photos and letters. Not because you weren’t special, but because I was too embarrassed that you’ll see through me.

I don’t regret it though. A rare thing for someone who is constantly filled with crippling remorse over the littlest things.

Even after graduation, I held on to the little interactions that crossed our way. From that time I was in my drinking phase and you said you were proud of me (but also saying, “everything in moderation ok!!!!”) or when you were asking for book recommendations and I had to wrack my brain for something to suggest. The most recent being me checking up on you when I saw you were at the hospital, and sending virtual hugs when I learned about your recent heartbreak over your first love.

Initiating conversations always felt awkward for me, back then and even now. But I guess once the novelty of a crush fades, and when the other person reaches out as well, you get the courage to put a foot forward and treat these people of admiration as what they are - people. Friends, even.

With that out of the way, I guess what I wanted before and what I mentioned in my letter then still holds true: that I hope we can get to know each other better and form memories we can cherish. I think now, we really do have a shot at being actual friends, without the complications of feelings and expectations, because I honestly think you’re a cool person. The awe and admiration will probably never go away, but I can say that the years eroded them to more manageable emotions I could fit in my palm.

After all this time, I still do wish that you find the happiness you’re looking for. Back then, I mentioned it’s the kind of happiness you seem to think you don’t deserve, and after all this time, I still do think you deserve it. I’m glad you’re reaching out to the world to try and take it now, even if it leads down pathways you don’t expect; roads that are littered with rejections and disappointments, with heartbreak and pain.

Yet, the same roads that hold the possibility of actually finding what you seek.