Reasons Why I'm Single

In 2016, around this time of year, I decided I was taking a break from dating. I kept up with the apps because, like, ya gotta believe, but I was too exhausted from disappointing dates to meet anyone in person. I hadn't felt excited to meet anyone in a really, really long time. I decided to focus in other aspects of my life and let the rest unfold.

Thanksgiving weekend 2016, I received a message on OkCupid that excited me for the first time in months. Let's call him Jay. I met Jay for the first time when I was 16 through a friend. I thought he was super cute but I had no clue how to talk to him, and was hella insecure. (I was also given explicit instructions not to hit on him by said mutual friend, but that's a separate story). A few years later, Facebook became a thing, and Jay and I became Facebook friends. I started to see that we had a lot in common, but still no idea how to talk to him. I thought about reaching out when I saw he moved pretty close to where I moved in 2016, but how does one even do that without being awkward?

The message from Jay was simple: "Hey stranger." I recognized his profile picture from the jump. I had butterflies for the first time in months. I was determined to meet up with him, at least determined to fulfill my high school fantasy of kissing him, but I also had a gut feeling. Either I was going to go on a date with Jay and confirm all my instincts about us getting along that I'd had for almost a decade, or I was dying alone. There would be no in between.

We got engaged last weekend.

I am sharing this all to say, do not give up hope. Have faith in yourself and you can find what you're looking for. There's no shame in looking online. Real life encounters are great, but I would not have a commitment stone if not for OkCupid.

So people are making different videos for you to use in uncomfortable situations!

20-year-old woman: “Why won’t you?”

And on the flip-side

If someone grabs you and intends to move you towards a second location, fight like your life depends on it:

When I was in high school, a man who I’d thought was the parent of a school friend followed me out to the grocery store parking lot greenhouse where I worked. It was dark, and late, and it was me, alone, in a chain link enclosure with one exit and a register full of cash. He called me up to the fence and asked if I wanted to get dinner, or go dancing. I was scared and shaking and told him no several times, and he only left when I falsely said I had a boyfriend. I was very aware that if he were to come over the fence, or just wait at the exit until I eventually had to leave, I could do nothing about it.

When my hair was very short, a hairdresser sent me to the barber’s side of the store so they could get the back of my head with clippers. The barber followed me out to my car to ask me out afterwards. I was very aware that we were the only people in the parking lot when it happened, and that the lot itself was tucked behind the building with no clear visibility to the road.

Today, a man I’ve met once made it very clear he knows where I live, and used that knowledge to express a romantic interest. If he ever decides that he’s unhappy with how I responded, he knows where I live. He knows what my car looks like. It is impossibly easy for him to determine when I’m home alone, and now I have to live with that knowledge.

Every woman I know has at least one story like this. My roommate had to be escorted to her car every night when she was a waitress, in case some man was waiting for her or a coworker’s shift to end.

If the person you want to ask out cannot physically run away from you when you are asking, YOU CANNOT ASK THEM OUT. You cannot ask someone out if they are at work. You cannot ask someone out if you’ve followed them to a remote/unoccupied/enclosed area. You cannot GO TO SOMEONE’S HOME UNINVITED to ask them out. You are not being romantic. You are not “taking initiative”. You are terrifying the person you want to woo. If they say yes, it is not because they want to, it is because they are terrified of what might happen if they say no.