Nox ★

I just like being critical even to my own thoughts. I live in my head too, so I need to take care of things inside it. I learned that our thoughts can lie to us. Maybe not blatant lie, just, they tend to ignore something that we actually need to pay attention to too just to push something else completely different. Everything needs context, right? When the context's taken away, it creates a different meaning. And that different meaning can sometimes hurt us, because we assume everything; from the best outcome to the worst outcome. Often times, it's the worst outcome because the measure's based on external standards. We look outside, process it, and decide. Our brain "hides" what happened internally and dismiss it so the brain can push a certain conclusion to a situation that we're facing. Our mind can be a destructive place to be in if we don't take care of it well. Try to be mindful with what we allow to exist in our mind. 💖

Yesterday I saw something that belongs in the past appear on my algorithm. Was I triggered? Yes, completely. I felt left behind. But in that exact moment, I ask myself, how do I measure this? How do I decide if I'm late? Is there any criteria that I need to tick in order to get categorized in being "on time"? What is "on time", really? Then I thought to myself, they didn't go through what I went through. And they don't have the very same path like I do. They don't pursue what I'm pursuing. So how am I "late"? We just have different priorities and paths. We have different approach to life. The difference in this is okay. This doesn't make me late. I'm just pursuing something completely different. Realizing this, I managed to stop my own thoughts from hurting me. What's meant for me will come to me, anyway. It's not like I have to battle with scarcity. 😶‍🌫️

I think it's because whenever I speak in my language, I tend to get ignored. I don't know, speaking foreign language like this has always been something I do for almost my whole life. And I get appreciated better when I speak like this. My relationship with my own language isn't that nice.. the "outer" world have always been my resort, a place that I really want to be my whole life. Somewhere people would treat me as an equal, seen, and appreciated. Just merely human being. Unlike here. No, it's hard to feel safe to speak in my own language because people who speak it tend to hurt me. Wow. Another trauma I need to dig in. Seeking love, equity, and appreciation so much I had to speak another language just to get that. And found peace in there. How can a language be my own shelter?

Love my cat 4ever

Gangerti jg kenapa dulu bs sesabar itu sm orang, padahal diproject terus. 🫠 kok bisa dulu sering interaksi, padahal dulu ditreat kayak gitu... 😶‍🌫️ alhamdulillah I got away, hanya kayak.. aneh gitu. Ini beneran terjadi ya? Dan itu berlangsung selama itu? I went through all that??? 🥴 Ada grief, ada rasa kecewa, ada rasa marah.. but well saat itu I did my best dengan pengetahuan yg saat itu aku punya. Aku ga benci sih, ya pengalaman ini akhirnya ngebentuk diriku hari ini. Hanya ada perasaan campur yg didominasi grief & marah. 🫤

It's engraved in my mind, how could I forget?