Fuck Off

You never apologized to me for hurting me, but I apologized to you 12 times for being angry about it.

I’m scared no one will love me.

“Leaving is not enough. You must stay gone. Train your heart like a dog. Change the locks even on the house he’s never visited. You lucky, lucky girl. You have an apartment just your size. A bathtub full of tea. A heart the size of Arizona, but not nearly so arid. Don’t wish away your cracked past, your crooked toes, your problems are papier mache puppets you made or bought because the vendor at the market was so compelling you just had to have them. You had to have him. And you did. And now you pull down the bridge between your houses, you make him call before he visits, you take a lover for granted, you take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic. Make the first bottle you consume in this place a relic. Place it on whatever altar you fashion with a knife and five cranberries. Don’t lose too much weight. Stupid girls are always trying to disappear as revenge. And you are not stupid. You loved a man with more hands than a parade of beggars, and here you stand. Heart like a four-poster bed. Heart like a canvas. Heart leaking something so strong they can smell it in the street.”

Look around you. Appreciate what you have. Nothing will be the same in a year.

Instead of asking why they left, now I ask, ‘What beauty will I create in the space they no longer occupy?

Never beg for love. Never beg someone to love you back or be with you when you want to. Never beg for someone’s time, commitment, affection and attention. Never beg someone to stay with you when you need him the most. Because in the first place, if he loves you that much, he won’t leave you and let go of your hand. He will never let you beg for his presence and love because he will give it to you with open arms. Don’t beg, it’s demeaning and degrading. Remember, if you have to beg, he’s not worth it. No one is worth begging for.

I don’t chase people anymore. I learned that I’m here, and I’m important. I’m not going to run after people to prove that I matter.

How amazing it is to find someone who wants to hear about all the things that go on in your head.