𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖙 𝖜𝖆𝖛𝖊𝖘

     deep rooted habits, all of which were painted over by stained rose coloured glasses. what was once shattered, now took the shape of an irregular mould of normality— two opposing concepts that have now meshed into an amalgamation of perplexity. he hardly knew what was going on with himself, let alone anyone else. the feelings that he felt, the blurred lines and change of moral compass, the way he felt himself being obligated to please her to appease himself. all new feelings that he hates, hates that they exist in his chest making him quiver in the presence of her tears. he felt weak, exposed and vulnerable— he hates it, but he supposes that it’s the price to pay for whatever love is. something he had yearned so eagerly for, yet would have never thought it to be this bitter and agonising.

     though, the disappointed in himself lingers heavily above his head and it’s evident in the way he felt dejected by his own actions, something he wouldn’t have spared a second glance or thought at years prior. but now, suddenly everything was different. as gradual as it had happened and as silently as everything had passed by, in this moment— it felt like a switch had been flipped and he was feeling everything for her at once. every single regret that bleeds into his bloodstream, every single memory and words he had silently promised to her, broken. and he wants to throw himself off from the balcony, maybe at least then— the pain would be enough to subside the angst and inner scrimmage from within.

     the avoidance of her gaze, saddens him— aches a part of his soul, reinforces the regret of his actions. but her gaze holds, he feels his heart wrench with pain but he nods, reluctantly letting go of her completely— feeling the emptiness occupy the growing space between them as he retreats to grab her a glass of water. slight moments away from her felt as though the aching in his body had intensified, he felt his knees growing weak as his body trembled slightly with the overwhelming emotions he was going through. he catches his breath, lets his palm press against the edge of the sink to their small kitchen in their room and how badly he just wanted to punch out the frustration. inhaling through gritted teeth, another deep breath as he retrieves a glass of water for her, returning as he hands it over to her. 

     “do you want to go home?” tone attempting to sound gentle, though the coarseness of his voice seeping through the wall of self loathing and anger is prominent. 

it all happened so quick that joohyun can't comprehend. she can't remember even being that angry in her life, enough that if she rewinds the memory, to the best of her ability, she sees red. it somehow manages to make her blood boil again, the slightest, but she doesn't have the energy to get angry again. maybe when she gathers herself just enough she can go and get drunk on pina coladas at the beach and try her best to forget whatever the fuck this was.

insu moves away but she can't bring herself to even look at it, she feels cold, his touch not on her all of a sudden and it feels wrong that she feels that way. it makes her stomach twist and turn. she's a little struck, stuck in her head as well, a little too much in thought because really, what the fuck was this? this wasn't supposed to happen, she shouldn't have felt remorse and just accepted his apology. she shakes her head, shakes the thoughts physically out of it and walks over to the bed, sitting down on it and thinking.

she glances at her fiancé a few times, watching him quietly and that ache in her chest just keeps getting bigger and bigger for some reason. the more she looks at him, the  more she feels like the tears are bubbling up again and she won't be able to stop them. so, joohyun looks away, leans forward and holds her head in her hands, fingers curling in her hand and pulling on it. this was insane, he shouldn't have been able to make her feel like this. she can't put her finger on when and how it happened, a part of her doesn't think she can even begin to imagine how long she'd had these pent up emotions for insu, but before she can spiral, she sees him move. it does take her a few more seconds to uncoil from herself, for her fingers to relax. despite her hands still shaking she takes the glass, doesn't dare look up to him because she isn't sure what her reaction is.

"thank you." joohyun mutters back, bringing the glass to her lips taking a sip. she hears him, lets the question sink, brows furrow and she lowers he glass, looking up at him. she wants to ask why? why all of a sudden? she carefully scans him up and down, expression slowly softening, a small nod. she’s agreeing, getting as far away from here as possible would do her some good.

     it began to seem almost scary, a slight shiver casting down his spine as the subtle raise of his brows rise above tired hues. hazel ones that were glazed over by a shimmer of adoration that he had whenever laying eyes on her. a feeling, a sensation so foreign that it almost makes him panic, so strange and yet— so oddly familiar that he yearns for such a feeling. the way he feels weak, vulnerable and stained by the warmth in his chest, one that was concocted as a result of having bathed in her presence, of having letting her make strides in his modest capsule of emotions. she is everything he had ever wanted to experience before letting his mother go, but it feels oddly liberating and distressing at the same time.

     and he fears, fears the possibility that she would one day just wake up to realise that he was everything she despised. they had a fair share of uphill battles and despite everything, had made it this far, had proved that even with the toughest of starts— they were capable of making it work. but he also fears that having chipped away at his walls, that she would soon find a weakness in his coding. that his mainframe was going to expose some sort of flaw, unravelling him to the core of his existence and finding every little shameful thing he has done for the sake of living life as lee insu.

     he fears so much, yet— here he was, a simple gaze into her own eyes and he feels at ease. all the emotions devouring him from within, takes a moment to digest the possibility that this, this was what the emptiness inside of him needed. a smile gracing at his features as she spoke, glad she wasn’t overworking herself and he grips her hand a little tighter, pulls her in a little closer. 

     and it makes him feel a sense of regret washing over him as she spoke of their previous valentines being spent not so extravagantly— none at best. he nods, presses another kiss against her forehead, unable to appease the slight flush in his chest as he moves to rest his chin atop her head— eye contact would have knocked him out cold. “don’t overwork yourself on my account. i can plan it too if you want?” couldn’t help the smile that morphs into a grin against his features. mind drifting back to the room upstairs that he was still trying to do the finishing touches, a larger gaming space for her— hopes that he could get a few more hours in and present it to her by valentines day. “…sorry.” he starts off, “i’m a terrible fiance, considering this would be the first valentines we actually spend that’s not… lame.” he adds, “but i have something prepared too, hopefully—”

in the beginning, after their biggest.. argument? fight? could joohyun even call it that? she wasn't sure if he meant anything from what he has said, that he was probably just playing damage control, to get her to calm down, stop yelling and crying. that was to be expected, right? after so many years of half assed compliments and their longer conversations being fruitless if anything. it wasn't that long if she had to think about, because most of the time she felt like ignoring it was the best way to go.

yet, insu had put in effort to do better, which in the beginning really meant nothing. all the promises and words he had made and said should have been long gone, but she could see, he was making an effort. despite it falling a bit short every now and again, joohyun could see that insu was trying and for now.. that really was more than enough. just spread a little bit of more warmth in her chest, her cheeks, get the tips of her ears burn every now and again. it was a change, but she welcomed it, despite sometimes not expecting his hands on her, or the start of a conversation on his side, he says yes to the stupid stuff she asks him to do, like dance with her at god know what hour of the night, in the middle of their kitchen. small steps, but joohyun appreciates it never the less. more than she probably shows, but she is sure that her expressions say it all.

she doesn't pull away when he tightens his arms around her, pulls her closer against him and she leans in, loosening her arms around his shoulder just a bit. it takes her a moment, bringing her hand to his face, gently brushing some of his hair out of his face and the kiss comes unexpected but welcomed, a smile tugging at the corners of her lips. joohyun leans in, slouches ever so slightly to fit better in his arms. it's been getting warmer and more secure with every time he does that, tucks her under his chin, holds her close. its a bit worrisome how quick she is getting used to this. she pushes the thought aside, not now.

"then.." she pauses, letting the idea sink in "do you want to plan the evening?" she finishes, and she would be lying if the idea didn't made her happier. there is a small shake of her head to disagree with him, squeezes him a bit closer "it's fine, it's not like im the best fiancé either, should have put more effort. the previous ones weren't lame either." and then she perks up, saying he has something prepared, can't help but pull away slowly from under his chin, looks up at him with bright curious eyes 

     although he doesn’t realise it just yet, but the thought that the both of them hadn’t had a proper date in years would have caused a lugubrious expression to tug across his countenance. with so many years accounted for and none of which were spent with quality made him feel as though he had lost so much time with her, all those moments shared between them with an angry huff and tired sigh accompanying lethargic limbs that would be dragged out by her in the middle of the night to a cafe somewhere. and he remembers being on his phone the entire time, not paying her any mind. 

     yet, here he was today— nothing but her on his mind. the difference frightens him a little, quivers at his shoulders as he lets them roll back to ease up. he offers her another smile as she wishes him to enjoy the aquarium, appreciative of her efforts and time, mentally promises to himself to not be distracted by anything that wasn’t her this time around. 

     he turns to her, following after her as she waves him over. “yeah, the whole day.” he confirms, having told his father that it was imperative for him to take the day off, that if he was met with any objections— he’d make it known that his father was no stranger to blackmailing fellow wealthy families to support his campaign. a snarl ending the phone call as his father grumbles permission for him to take the entire day off. 

     and he can’t help the way his arms would instinctively wrap around her as the elevator doors closed, pulls her in and planting a quick kiss on her forehead before releasing her. “did you want to go anywhere after this? i have the entire day off.” he offers, not wanting to make this day just about him, he had initially wanted to make it up to her for his lack of attentiveness throughout the years and that, this was going to the first step to him being more aware of them. and as they step out from the elevator, he feels just that bit of extra excitement ravaging his system.

this was new, it was enough to cause a small surge of anxiety the morning off but joohyun managed to push it down, not think about it. it was different and she was excited, as much as she hid it under her chill demeanor. it wasn't like they hadn't down on dates before, yet she is almost 100% sure insu never considered them as such. maybe it had become way too often a routine for her to drag him out in the middle of the night for coffee. or he didn't really care, barely paying her any attention while she just enjoyed his company as much as she could. she was never that picky with his attention.

there is a smile tugging at the corners of her lips when he tells her he has the whole day off. she tries to suppress it before it fully blooms, but she fails rather miserably when he offers her one of his own, shoulders visibly relaxing. she has a general idea, what he must have done or said to get this day off, so it only means a lot more that he is putting the effort. "that's great." she replies and her voice sounds too bright compared to how it usually does, but she doesn't mind. it's only the two of them that get to hear it that way.

when insu gets in, she presses the button to the correct floor, the arms around causing her to turn around, get greeted by a peck on her forehead. it's almost enough to get the tips of her ears to turn red, to feel like they are burning, but it definitely gets her to smile wider at him as she catches his gaze.