Untitled

From the book The Women at Brewster Place, author Gloria Naylor writes “yea’ know you can’t keep him running away from things that hurt him. Sometimes, you just gotta stay there and teach him how to go through the bad and good of whatever comes.” This coming from a wise older woman giving advice to a young single mom who continuously tried to protect her son from life, not allowing anything to…

What we have in our current season may not be what we will need to continue in the next season. Pivoting

I once heard Amy Morin, LCSW, being interviewed on a podcast. She posed the following question:  How do I live my life based on the hand I was dealt? Something to think about! Photo by Anna Tarazevich on Pexels.com With social comparison, social media and advertising efforts, many people are led to believe they are supposed to have a certain life, or way of life. How do I live my life based…

Ever so often I hear my clients or friends say this phrase, “I don’t have a choice.” I’m always stumped by the statement because it seems as though people don’t realize that they always have a choice. When you are faced with adversity, you might not always recognize all the options in front of you and instead and you go straight to the option that works well for you. Or sometimes the choices are…

They say that when you focus on the past you may become sad. When you focus on the future you can create angst. Focusing on either prevents us from the things that are in the present moment. There is so much that goes on around us, can you take time to observe what’s going on right now? Where are you physically? What do you see, smell, feel with your hands? If you are thinking about something,…

Play Therapy for Adults?

I often find that when people hear about Play Therapy they think about playing and then the thought goes to children playing. We have many transitions in our lives. More specifically, going from childhood to adolescence to adulthood. As we get older we either say or hear people comment “that’s childish,” or “I don’t do that anymore because I’m an adult.” Photo by Skitterphoto on Pexels.com But…

What I’ve learned in Life Coaching

A letter from a life leader from Learning Leaders Life Coaching. “I realized not too long ago that when I was alone, I was at my best. When I was around him, I would second guess. Wow!! I would shrink, not shine but make myself smaller when in his presence. Like who I was, could not be around him. Like if I had to have a phone conversation, I would leave the room. I needed to protect myself…

Soul and Self Care

After practicing yoga for over 18 years, I truly know the benefit of asanas (yoga poses) and meditation. I didn’t realize how natural it was to bring my yoga practice with me everywhere. For example, I hate going to the dentist, primarily because I personally do not like teeth. But I find myself relaxing my body and steadying my breath during a time where I feel the most uncomfortable. I find…

I hear this phrase often from parents of teens in my office and even outside of work with friends with teen-aged children. It’s what is said when the teen is complaining about how hard it is to manage their responsibilities. It’s sometimes hard to hear because I personally feel as though the teen’s emotions are being disregarded. Although this is a true statement as teens are straddling the fence…

Leading as a Parent

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com As a parent, there is high level of leadership in a family as we have little ones paying attention to everything we are doing. As they get older, teens notice more of what we do as parents and will point out things they see that may be contrary to what we say. As parent leaders, we want our children (our followers) to learn from us so they can also be a leader in…

It’s a full moon and it’s glowing due to the cloudy sky. While I admire the beauty, my mind goes to a previous session I had with a client and I wonder if she is okay. It is amazing how many triggers go unnoticed in our daily routine. Something as simple as a full moon will never be that simple again since one of the worse experiences my client has ever had was during a full moon.

“Trauma is perhaps the most avoided, ignored, belittled, denied, misunderstood, and untreated cause of human suffering.” -Peter Levine

Trauma experiences are stored in our bodies. When we are exposed to life threatening events all the sights, sounds, smells and tastes are stored in our memories.  When we are exposed to those same smells or sounds at a later time, we go back to the experience where we feared for our lives. We don’t seem to notice that our hearts are racing, palms are sweating, or that we are short of breath. We just know something is making us feel scared.

When explaining this sensory experience to others, I often refer to 9/11 and the twin towers. I guide them (with their eyes closed) through the experience of walking down the street in New York City. I have them imagine listening to the cars honking their horns, enjoying the taste of their coffee or tea, noticing the smell of roasted peanuts, feeling of the sun or wind against their skin.  Then I make a loud sound that startles them and have them imagine the sound of the plane crashing into the building, the smell of smoke and sight of the smoke and ash. The sight and sound of people running and screaming out of fear. Then imagine the sensations in the body, goosebumps, heart pounding, sweating and other feelings associated with fear. I imagine many people who were there on that day may be triggered by the horns beeping, the smell of the roasted peanuts or smoke that can be coming from anything insignificant.  Even the taste of coffee may affect them. That is how trauma can affect our bodies.

“There is no timestamp on trauma. There isn’t a formula that you can insert yourself into to get from horror to healed. Be patient. Take up space. Let your journey be the balm.”- Dawn Serra

I have the opportunity to work with some pretty strong children who have been challenged with some tough situations early on in their lives.  This is a story about a resilient girl who started life a little rough.  She found out that I write about families and children on my blog and wanted me to tell her story.

Jada* first came into my office when she was 5 years old. She initially came because she was having difficulty with her feelings related to her relationship with her mother. Over time feelings were processed and she was doing well. She stopped counseling and resumed living a typically “normal” life. Most recently she returned to counseling at a different stage of her life where she again had difficulty with the lack of having a relationship with her mother. With her permission, the story is spoken in her words but paraphrased and written by me.

Jada at age 5

"I should be living with my mommy and my daddy. I don’t want to live with my daddy most of the time and visit with my mommy and sibling on the weekends. I like seeing my mommy and my older sisters but miss them when I have go home. I like being with my daddy and my step mom and have a brother and sister at that house too. I just don’t like that I can’t see everyone all the time. It’s even harder when my mommy does not show up to pick me up for my weekend visits. I can tell that my family is trying to make me feel better by taking me to McDonald's and for ice-cream when she doesn’t come but why is she not here? I know things were happening when I was seeing her less and less. Overtime, I was going to see Ms. Nikole to help me with my sadness and confusion. I was also starting kindergarten and that was a little scary too. I liked school and daycare and that helped me not think about my mom. Ms. Nikole helped me with my feelings so I can accept my daddy and step mom, sister and brother as my family and not think about my mommy (who I did not see anymore) in a sad way. Overtime, life was okay. I even bumped into Ms. Nikole at IHOP on Mother’s Day, I was shy that day because she was with her family and I was with mine.”

Years later…

"When I began middle school, I saw life through a different lens. I saw my family as different than other families and realized that I was lucky to have my dad and step mom whom I now call my mom. My dad and mom have provided me with such a great life. I have friends and activities and I am for the most part happy. But recently there are songs I heard that made me think about not having my real mom in my life. It has been 7 years and I have not heard from her. How can she not want to see me, talk to me, be in touch with me? My feelings were so deep that my dad called Ms. Nikole to help me with this. We talked about trying to get in touch with my mom. She helped me realize that if we were able to meet that the visit may not go well because I don’t know why she stopped seeing me and she may not be ready to see me yet. This was difficult because I could not understand why she may not want to see me. My dad and Ms. Nikole talked, and he told her about a letter my mom wrote to court when I was little. She told the court that she did not want to be in my life and wanted my dad to take care of me. My dad, mom (step mom) and Ms. Nikole talked with me about this because I was older now to know the truth, and I cried. It was so hard to hear. In counseling, Ms. Nikole and I worked through accepting that I was not going to have my mom in my life, at least not now. She helped me write a ‘see you later’ letter that was not meant for goodbye or to be given to her, but for me to process that maybe later we will meet. This helped me so much. Now and going forward I need to focus on my life. I continued to journal letters about my feelings and I’m doing so much better now. I don’t think I need counseling right now. I know this may come up again and I can come back if I need to. Nonetheless, I have accepted things and I am moving onward. I am not sure if this can help others, but I wanted Ms. Nikole to tell my story.”

At the age of 5 Jada experienced such a heartbreak. Her father and step mother were supportive and stable in her life that they balanced the instability of her biological mother at that time. This stability helped Jada to be resilient.

People have talked about children being resilient as though they are strong and resilient on their own. Studies show that resilience comes from the individual, family and community environments. With stable housing, schooling, health care, job security, exposure to positive friends, church and strong family members, resilience is built. All these factors help the person persevere through the problematic times. Sometimes it’s just the community that builds up the person, or the family. Jada was fortunate to have a strong sense of self, family and community support through school and church that gave her the strength to overcome.

I feel privileged to have Jada as a client; and she is not the only one. I am fortunate to learn from many of my clients and I use their strength to encourage other clients as well as my friends and family.

Jada’s Story

My blog began as a way for me to connect to parents. As I’ve been working with youth and their families for decades, I wanted to write about some of the experiences and give some insight into how children see the world and how we as adults could better connect with them. I rarely write about myself and my family. I felt compelled to write about something a little different this time. More about…