you expected order‽‽

Writer: Air shot between the toes, it’ll look like a heart attack.

Serial killer: anywhere from 2 to 30 minutes

Now fast forward a bit and the author has managed to get their first book published, with loving support from the serial killer who helped them fine tune all the murder scenes, and it’s a big hit. Enough so that a detective with the local police department has noticed some disturbing similarities to several active cases, including details that were never released to the press. Obviously he brings this up to his superior and convinces him that there’s something to the theory, but it’s all circumstantial right now. He stakes out the author’s home and is super convinced that the author is the murderer, but they don’t seem to do anything??? Like they literally are at the house all day, that’s it. Most they do is leave for groceries.

“You need to stop seeing them. I think they are a serial killer.”

roommate texted this to me……..

and bro is As Gay As It Gets but it’s just not something he thinks about because its not??? a big deal to him?????? like hes into guys, yeah, who cares, so what. hes never had to have a conversation about that before to someone. its just who he is.

so dave has this fucking longass 7 page speech prepared to come out to bro as liking girls AND dudes and he starts out with like “so… i need to tell you something” and bro is just… lounging out on the futon with a hard cider in his hands playing xbox. dave takes a seat on the opposite end of the mattress.

bro waits, going through a million things in his head that have absolutely nothing to do with the fact that dave might possibly be coming out. bros immediate thoughts: oh no, did something happen? did dave get in trouble? did he steal something? oh fuck my lil bro is a fucking criminal, im going to have to pack all of our shit and move across the country so the cops cant find him-

alternatively, in the back of his mind, bro is like: oh god but what if I DID SOMETHING?

and its only been like fifteen seconds but bro has already gone through a textbook of reasons why he thinks hes a bad parental figure and the first thing he shits out of his mouth is “i promise i wont take miss piggy in the shower anymore” and dave just??????

“what?”

“what”

“you take miss piggy into the shower with you?”

“she needs to deep condition her hair. is this not what you wanted to talk about?”

“… no????????????”

dave decides that there is absolutely nothing he could say that could possibly top how fucking weird bro is so he just comes out with it. he likes girls, and he likes guys. he’s bi…….. and its all silent for a moment and dave thinks bro is like absorbing the information but no bro is mentally chastising himself for fucking outing his own ass about bringing the muppet toys into the shower sometimes to clean them off in the tub instead of putting them in the laundry (its just faster to do it while hes showering instead of in the kitchen sink!!!!). and then bro just shrugs like “ok, cool.”

and bro is As Gay As It Gets but it’s just not something he thinks about because its not??? a big deal to him?????? like hes into guys, yeah, who cares, so what. hes never had to have a conversation about that before to someone. its just who he is.

so dave has this fucking longass 7 page speech prepared to come out to bro as liking girls AND dudes and he starts out with like “so… i need to tell you something” and bro is just… lounging out on the futon with a hard cider in his hands playing xbox. dave takes a seat on the opposite end of the mattress.

bro waits, going through a million things in his head that have absolutely nothing to do with the fact that dave might possibly be coming out. bros immediate thoughts: oh no, did something happen? did dave get in trouble? did he steal something? oh fuck my lil bro is a fucking criminal, im going to have to pack all of our shit and move across the country so the cops cant find him-

alternatively, in the back of his mind, bro is like: oh god but what if I DID SOMETHING?

and its only been like fifteen seconds but bro has already gone through a textbook of reasons why he thinks hes a bad parental figure and the first thing he shits out of his mouth is “i promise i wont take miss piggy in the shower anymore” and dave just??????

“what?”

“what”

“you take miss piggy into the shower with you?”

“she needs to deep condition her hair. is this not what you wanted to talk about?”

“… no????????????”

dave decides that there is absolutely nothing he could say that could possibly top how fucking weird bro is so he just comes out with it. he likes girls, and he likes guys. he’s bi…….. and its all silent for a moment and dave thinks bro is like absorbing the information but no bro is mentally chastising himself for fucking outing his own ass about bringing the muppet toys into the shower sometimes to clean them off in the tub instead of putting them in the laundry (its just faster to do it while hes showering instead of in the kitchen sink!!!!). and then bro just shrugs like “ok, cool.”