chaos incarnate

• you fought as hard as you could.

• your vision went red and your ears burned, but you were still standing until your legs couldn't hold you anymore.

• when you fell to your knees, he noticed.

• he always did, peeping at you during fights to check how you were doing, relieved to see you were still going.

• until you hit the ground, blinking fast, tasting blood.

• his world stopped, silent if not the sound of you struggling to breathe.

• he ran to you, holding you close, despair in his eyes.

• "stay with me", he whispered, "please, please."

• you wish you could have said how much you loved him before drawing your last breath.

• "no, don't do this to me", his tears stained the soft skin of your face, not yet cold, "you can't do this to me."

• he reached out to the force, trying to heal you, begging it to let you live. did it until he was utterly exhausted.

• until you were pale beyond saving.

• his life already had little meaning before you, but you changed his perspective. now, without you again, it's worse than it ever was.

• it was better not to have anything at all than to have his truest love taken away from him.

• blames himself daily. the weight of his guilt is so heavy he falls back to his old, supposedly forgotten ways.

• so he punishes himself like his old master would.

• you're not there anymore to stop him.

• forget the syndicates, forget kenobi. his thoughts are consumed by the ghost of you.

• keeps some of your belongings with him. wraps the fabric of your clothes around his wrist. wears your necklace.

• has your perfume or one of your clothes by his bedside, but never smells it. he's too scared.

• cannot sleep. he's terrified that the memory of your life slowly drifting away before his eyes will come back in a nightmare.

• when he does, it's restless sleep. dreams of you, always.

• some nights, they're sweet, though. he sees you, touches you, kisses you as if nothing happened.

• only to wake up alone, forever haunted by your absence.

• it's in those nights he cries the most.

• he regrets so much. regrets not being enough, not being nicer, more understanding.

• replays every argument and regrets not simply leaving whatever reason caused it behind just to be in your sweet company.

• regrets his pettiness, his selfishness. regrets not being perfect for you.

• regrets not saying "i love you" enough, or ever, because he didn't know how and refused to learn for such a long time.

• honors you in every way he can. everything he does, he does thinking of you.

• it will take him a very long time to be functional again.

• but he will never fully recover.

• you will always be a part of him he refuses to let go.