Nina Sonadora

I have been clinging onto the past for the longest time now, and I always had the words " what if" replaying in my mind constantly, but I finally realized today that "if" it were meant to happen then it would have. There's no if's, and's or but's about that.. whatever happens is all for a reason whether we see that reason or not. I guess i do have some regrets but if i wasn't supposed to make any mistakes then i wouldn't have. Everything ends up working out for the best, even if you don't see the reasons now, you will someday, right? So there is no point in rethinking it over and over again, it's just time to accept things the way they happened and move on..

I don't like the nighttime.. It makes me think, reminisce and look back at what's happened in the past, and the past is not a place to go back to. I've been looking forward, moving on, and doing good things for myself. Sometimes I just can't help but remember certain things, certain people.. I believe there will always be one person who stole your heart and never gave it back. I know which person still has a hold on mine, and it's been hard to let that go. It's hard to be happy when you know they don't belong to you, but at the same time I know I'm happy as long as he's happy. In the end, that's all that matters. When their happiness becomes more important than your own, well, that's when you know you've truly loved.

I need to express these recent feelings i can't seem to ignore. He's a man I can't seem to stop thinking about, his texts brighten up my day, and simply talking to him makes me smile. I have not felt something like this in a while, and i am not sure i want to feel this way. He makes me laugh, smile, and feel good about who I am, but i don't know if he sees me in a way that I would see him. I can't deny i would love to give it a shot, and I have been so skeptical with every other guy that has tried to talk to me, that wanting this scares me. But isn't it all about risks? Chances are worth taking, and I would not want to miss out on a possibility with such an amazing person.. it's been different getting to know someone like him. It's been nice and refreshing, and all I could ask for is to see where this could possibly go if in case he might possibly feel something too..

I think the hardest part about this is that I dont even have anyone to talk to about this. It sucks that when i finally try to open up to my mom she is no help. sometimes its like she doesn't care.. I thought when you talk to your moms about problems they always say these wise things and make you feel better but she doesn't do that for me. I talk to my older sister sometimes and she majored in psychology and she sucks. She is so critical and doesn't help at all either, If anything, she actually just makes me feel worse so I dont get her career at all. I am just stuck in this hole with nobody to help me out but myself. I guess that's what life is all about, you realize you only have yourself to count on. 

All I want to do is lay in bed.. I dont want to go anywhere, i dont want to talk to people or text or call. I just want to be left alone, and i think i AM hitting depression again. Nobody knows, but yet nobody would care. I should care for myself enough to make myself happy and do better on my own, but inside i feel completely dead and dissatisfied with my life. I've always been like this just not to this extreme, why can't i EVER just be happy? Everything has always gone wrong for me and it's like i'm just stuck. Why is it like i'm not meant to be happy..

In a way i've began to scare myself with my own thoughts. Like, death should be much easier. That, life is just pointless. Why do we live to suffer? What is the point when there's always troubles, unhappiness, money has become everything. We can't seem to live this life peacefully and happily, or at least i can't. They say that life is a gift, and that is a beautiful thing, but so far i haven't seen anything great about it. Then i think to myself. I should be grateful that i dont have it like others that cant even afford a meal, or shoes for their feet.. and then i hate myself for feeling so selfish, Isnt being unhappy just as bad though? To go each day feeling worthless like people could care less about who you are... I just dont know what to do for myself anymore. I dont know how to make MYSELF happy, and on my own. I can see the sin though about wanting death, because life isnt easy, life is hard, and death is easy. It's the easy way out, and sometimes you have to be strong enough to get through it, and then death becomes like a reward. There's just so much pain and suffering, and i seem to be consumed by it. I've never had such negative thoughts before, and I just don't know what to do about it.

I really haven't been myself these last few days. I feel sad, exhausted, and basically depressed.I I hate this feeling and I wish there was a way of changing it so easily. I feel so alone like nobody knows what I am going through, but what sucks is I dont even know what i'm going through. I've felt like there is no purpose to my life. All my life nothing has gone right, or maybe it does but for a short, and i mean very short period of time, and then it goes to back to sucking like always. It seems i can never catch a break, that there's nothing to look forward to or hope for. Everything in my life has been so negative. Where is my little leprechaun to come give me some good luck? When will things finally look up for me and let me be completely happy? 

It's just one of those days when you start feeling down and you're not really sure why. I've been alone, I hate my job, and I haven't been able to do anything about the dream I have.I'm in a bad stage in my life I guess where I feel there is nothing for me. What am I doing with my life? What is out there for me? That is, if there is anything even out there for me. Sometimes I feel like there really isn't anything to look forward to in my life anymore. It's so depressing, and I wish i just knew what i am meant to do. I keep hoping that one day it'll just come to me like a sign or message from God saying "HERE!" This is the answer you have been needing, This is what you are supposed to do. If only it were that easy.. 

I was so motivated for what i really wanted in life, and now i am just confused and just settling. I know i am unhappy with what i am doing. I know this isnt what i want to be doing my whole life and i feel like i am never going to change it, but I have to I just don't know how? I guess because i am such a loyal person to everyone and everything it becomes hard for me to back away from things. When i step back and look at the bigger picture it;s really about what i am going to do for the rest of my life, its about what is going to make me happy, and its about what i'm proving to myself. I know money isn't everything, and to me it's all about finding that one thing that really makes you happy. I hate the fact that i am not happy, but that just means i have to make changes, and i have to make the decision to be happy. It's my own choice. I just need some more motivation to start making something of my life instead of just sitting back and not doing anything about it..

I'm not sure what to do or believe anymore. I guess i'm getting lost again, like I don't know what to do. I know that the biggest dream I have is to actually act and that is what i LOVE to do, but i often catch myself wondering if my desire for it is big enough? I feel like i am just stalling on it, and I need to start today, but then a part of me feels like i'm not really gonna go for it. I don't know what it is, i wish i understood myself a little better. Is my dream just a dream, or can I actually turn that into something real? I feel like its a foolish dream, that it;s nothing serious or something. I just wish i had a sign or a hint as to what i should do...because as always, i don't know what to do. 

I just realized why I was always the way I was. I use to be nonsocial, i would keep to myself, have an extremely small group of friends and just never bothered with interacting with other people. In the end, they all either betray, back stab, and hurt you. They are two faced and act like your friend but are never really your friends. I realized i had tried to step away from thinking that, and made friends and was actually more social..but of course, i am always right about stuff like this. Things always change, you find out many times who your real friends are and it's sad to say that its usually like 1 in 5, maybe not even. I just need to worry about myself because in the end, nobody cares about you. They only care for themselves..

I am not sure if it was the events of today that made me realize a lot of things. I care too much for people, for people that do not really seem to care about me. I learned that in this life nobody really wants to see you succeed or do good for yourself. I realized that your so called friends aren't really your friends. They act like it, maybe when they feel like it but that is it. I think it's just sad to care for and see these people as friends, and you care for them and they just end up being complete bitches. Aside from all that, i realized i stress way too much and i really need to relax, I do not need any negative energy what so ever. I just need positive people with good energy, and people who want to bring joy into my life. God is looking out for me im sure, and that is why this had to happen. 

If only i had someone to just talk to. About anything and everything, without criticism, without any sort of judgment or psychological analysis! Just someone to hear me out and understand what im going through, be a listening ear, a positive person to simply agree and actually be there for you. Sometimes i miss having that. Having someone there for you day or night just to listen to you when you need them to. I just want that the most, the friendship, the caring hand that is there to lift you back up, not just push you down. I feel alone... too many times do i feel alone. Im happy to have the family I have, but i need that ONE person to make me feel better when i need to, to make me happy, to make laugh, and to help me be the better person i want to be. I want that someone. 

I never knew how immature people could REALLY be! As a friend you would figure someone would congratulate you on the things you have done, whether its at work or anything else they are supposed to be happy and supportive of you. Instead i get someone mad at me because they didn't get anything from it. That to me is just immature, ignorant, and plain stupid. I shouldn't be upset though. If someone wants to act in that way because of it then i'm better off not having to deal with them. i have enough anxiety and stress built up then to have to deal with something thats not even my fault. I really do care for my friends, for family and the people close to me, and people continue to show me the opposite from their part. Its just upsetting but I guess stuff like this just shows you their true colors.. 

As i finished off the conversation, i realized my heart was racing from the fact that we were talking. I don't understand why he made me feel like that, I don't really like him. I jut had a thing with him once and find him attractive but, He isn't exactly the best candidate i guess i'd say. I felt a sense of wanting to cry, i think it was a mixture of thoughts. The thought of him just wanting me for one thing, and that really does hurt...or maybe that he could be a possibility of someone helping me move on but him not wanting the same thing. I don't know what it was, but i cant really describe it. I don't blame God for the things that have been happening to me, they're supposed to be happening. I just wish i knew how to go about everything and understand better. I just don't want another mess up, i don't want another heartbreak. 

As always, i am just an objective of sex to the species we call males. I dont understand why i can't just find one decent guy who actually wants to talk to me and get to know me. Talk to me, go for a walk, treat me for dinner and a movie, tell me about their life. Why is it always them just wanting me on the DL or for a side chick? I just can't stand guys anymore, and it really brings my hopes down to ever finding someone i can spend the rest of my life with. It just seems impossible nowadays and i hate that fact. Where's my imperfect prince charming? I am not expecting perfection, but just someone i can call m best friend, someone who i can be myself around, someone i can love... 

Is it possible that once you decide to close a chapter for good, a new one may come along? Possibly even sooner than you think? I feel i just need to allow myself to reopen my heart for someone, but i want someone worth it.. or maybe its just something temporary to help me move on, and realize i could find something different. Something better or worth it.. I am not quite sure just yet, but i guess that is the beauty of it. Not knowing.. just allowing yourself to take a chance. That is what life is all about anyway right? We have to take some chances sometimes, even when you don't know where you will end up.