Talk is Cheap

I know it’s been a while and I’m not going to dive into the details about why, but I’m here now and I need to get a load off my mind.

“No.”

It can seem like a word that just rolls off the tongue for some people. Without a second thought; that’s their true feelings, that’s what they’ll say. No matter who it effects, what the outcome might be for the person saying it or the person receiving it, it’s done, it’s out and it’s “a no from me” (cheeky X Factor ref).

That isn't the easiest thing for some people. For some, a ‘no’ doesn’t just mean a no. It means a “to hell with you, you’re objectives, goals, ideas, help, confidence-NO!” It means a “no” to social acceptance, a “no” to success, a “no” to opportunity. 

Of course, I don’t mean the generic “No, I will not do that assignment due tomorrow” because let’s face it that’s the easiest sentence produced in the entirety of english phrasing. For some, saying “no” to oneself is easier than saying “no” to somebody else. I may be able to tell myself not to complete my education, but when someone else puts the thought into my future and wellbeing, and I have to say “No” to them, it’s a hell of a lot more daunting! I agreed to start this degree, this person has put a lot of time and effort into helping me get this degree, how can I say no to them! It would be madness! Not to mention rude, disrespectful, disloyal and basically a massive finger to all their hard work. 

But isn’t that what I’m saying to myself?

I, too, went to the effort to start getting a degree. Would it not be disrespectful, rude, disloyal and a massive finger to myself to say no to my achievements so far? No. And here’s why. 

People. Change. Their Minds. And that’s okay. That’s natural. It happens. One minute we want jam, the next we want nutella. One minute we want to jog, the next minute we want to walk. One minute we want to pursue something, the next minute we don’t. And that’s okay.

When I was younger, I lived in a “divorce” environment. I say divorce environment, because my parents weren’t actually divorced because they never got married in the first place, but in the end I ended up with a mum at one house and a dad at the other, same sort of situation. Anyway.

I always felt like I had to please both parties, and that my opinion didn’t matter because they were both trying to form it for me. “Your mum is doing this to you” “Your dad is saying this to you” “Your dad isn’t this” “Your mum isn’t that”. For anyone with separated parents, I feel like you would know what this is like. Having one parent whisper bitter nothing’s in your ear before they drove you to the other parent’s house. The one thing I struggled to do was say ‘no’. I would nod along like I agreed with what they said and they would give me their version of the ruffle of my hair and send me on my way, knowing they had gotten their voice into my mind. But I always had three voices; Mum’s, Dad’s and mine, way at the back of my head, that told me to, in a child’s version of language, tell both parties to shut the fuck up and listen to me for once. Because I felt like that was where “no” would have come in handy. But I was too afraid to; I didn’t want mum to send me off angry that I didn’t agree with her because if I did it ended up with me being “naive” and a “child” - which I was - and telling me “I’ll soon figure out I have [him] all wrong!”. And vice versa. 

I personally had to say no to something I’d recently said yes to. It was a big opportunity, with a few risks, but none that could be overstepped in order to move forward. At first I was onboard with the idea of pursuing something new and exciting, and putting what I needed to into this in order to gain what I wanted out of it. But as I carried on with this opportunity I felt less confident about what I could really achieve, and if what I was putting into this was really worth the honest 40% chance that I would succeed. There are SO many speeches and books and podcasts and whatever else technology has created to platform an idea, about positive thinking, and the key to success. Well this is my opinion put into platform; sometime’s it’s okay to not want to succeed. It’s okay to change paths, it’s okay to feel uneasy about putting your all into something despite the risks. If you don’t feel 100% sure about what you are about to endeavour, pull out. Pursue something new, that makes you feel more at ease. It may take a bit more time, you may have to push out of your comfort zone at a slower rate, but isn’t it worth it if you get to enjoy the time you take in pursuit, rather than obtain the crushing anxiety of a decision you were too scared to pull out of; too scared to say “no” to?

That’s honestly for you to decide.

Just a thought...

Hey There! Long time no...interact, right? Apologies for the lack of content recently. I’d like to say I was out Paper-Towning the world, but honestly I’ve just been working my big butt off and doing very non-interesting things like enrolling for university about 11 times because despite being a professional institute, they still can’t put 4 classes a semester on a timetable right. But that’s another story.

With the money I’ve been working my big butt off for, I may have gone on a small, tiny asos haul, and by tiny I mean at least $600 worth in the span of less than two months. So don’t be surprised if I’m trying to rock the same striped get up for the next year and a half, because it will happen.

Anyway, I got my good pal Mady to take some stellar shots of me leaning moodily against grungy places and they seemed to look okay! These are only a couple of the outfits, didn't want you to see the others and then see them again in every selfie for the next 17 months. Enjoy!

Hey Guys,

Sorry, but there will be a new chapter TOMORROW as I’m just not happy with it at the moment, and I don’t want to just post crap for the sake of it being on time, so I’m going to go through it and edit it and hopefully have it up later!

Does someone ever say something to you, and it starts out as a criticism, but they end up turning it into something they say all the time as some kind of sick joke?

Like for instance, if someone says “wow, you really should have ironed that shirt before you came out”, you feel extremely self conscious about it for the rest of the day. You find your eyes darting to every single reflection of yourself and judge the wrinkles every single time you see them, thinking to yourself “why the fuck did I think I could get away with that?”

So the next time you see your friend, they’re like “Oh, so you managed to iron your shirt this time?” half joking, half not (because lets face it, our friends are dicks), you do that half laugh, half cringe as you nod along, but inside you’re thinking “why the fuck did I think she would let that go?”

And so it goes. You hang out every once in a while, not as much as you used to because that friend is starting to really piss you the fuck off. You walk into a cafe and they say “table for two for me and old woman wrinkles over here” as they give you an elbow to the rib and you mentally give them an elbow to the face. You go shopping and you find a cute little swing number that is made out of slightly thinner material. You ask for their opinion because at this stage you suppose it still kind of matters, and they say “It’s cute! Wouldn’t look good wrinkled though” with a wink and laugh as they turn around to look at some sunglasses that you could easily shove up their ass. 

The more you hang out with this person, the more you see things that agitate you, because out of the infinite possibilities of phrasing in the english language, they can only seem to string together the literal most agitating sentences; conversation killers. In conclusion, that friendship becomes a conversation you actually do want to kill.

Moral of the story; don’t be a fucking buzzkill just because your mind can’t handle the incredibly simple challenge of making intellectual conversation.

I’ve seen, heard and read a lot of similar things about January this year. “It was just a practice month” is one of the biggest ones. Practice month for what? How do you practice life? Practice for living fuller, living happier, what?

January kinda ruled and sucked at the same time for me. I worked heaps, which is good because A) I have no social life and B) I need as much money as I can get if I’m going to do this trip to England at the end of the year (btw I’m planning a trip to England at the end of the year). It was my birthday which meant I got to change my instagram bio and get free drinks at the bar we went to - yep, that was the most exciting thing about it. Being 19 is nothing special; kind of a filler year, much like year 9. 

On the downside, January had a lot of kicks to the chest. It has been made extremely loud and clear that I need to get my own place pronto, which I totally agree with, if only my bank account would co-operate with me for once. It’s pretty much a constant hassle in my household. One bobby pin astray and I’m out on my ass. I think I need that motivation though, because every threat of kicking me out is every extra double shift I pick up to save up the dollar and get me the fuck out of here.

Here’s praying

The slight aversion of the gaze. The over-exaggerated voice. The slight shift in movement. The change of topic.

I’ve always found it quite simple to catch out a lier. But when one lies so often their truth even becomes questionable, it becomes difficult to tell when someone is being honest.

I’ll be the first to admit, I lie. I lie all the time. 

“Did you eat the rest of those chips?” Yes “No”

“Did you clean your room today? No “Yes”

“Did you get trashed the other night when you went out?” Hell fucking yeah “Absolutely Not.”

The thing about lying though, is that there are so many levels. There’s the white lie; the “My mother is sick so I have to go home and make her dinner” scenario when really the plumber couldn’t book an appointment any later than 4. Then theres the antisocial lie; the “Sorry, my car’s getting repaired and no-one can get me there in time!” scenario when really you just do not want to waste your time, energy or fuel driving to meet someone who only talks to you when they need something. And then finally, we have the outright, point blank lie. The “What did you do all day??” You get from your mother when the dishwasher still hasn't been emptied and you reply with “Sally needed help with her essay that’s due tomorrow and I’ve already finished so I was trying to be a good friend and help her out” when really you went and bought a new outfit for Saturday night. Or the “Why didn’t you call me back??” you get from the guy you hooked up with and you reply with “I did! Some old lady picked up, you must have accidentally given me the wrong number!” when really, he’s a minute and a half at best. 

This is all ties into the one rhetorical question I got asked today by someone. “Would I lie to you?”. Probably. Everyone lies. The real question is, to what extent would you go to avoid telling me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?