Random Mania

Angiogram on the 18th. Dr is upset I pushed it back so far but bp is sitting perfect with the new med changes and I’m not shaking!!! Chest pains have been minimal and only get worse with too much exertion but legs are getting worse. Compression socks help and they upped the warfarin until I get in. Already planning on going thru the groin, opposite side this time. I’m nervous and worried. 

I wonder if you ever think of me….

I cremated my nephew, my sister will be next….i held her long and tight knowing the next time I see her she will be the one in the casket… addiction is terrible. This is killing me. I was so unprepared to set eyes on her. My whole life I wanted to be her. Skinny, beautiful, blonde hair and blue eyes, took whatever she wanted and was unapologetic about it… I walked in and laid my eyes on her and it felt like my heart was being gripped by an unknown force, twisted sideways and ripped out of my chest while at the same time being roundhouse kicked in the stomach… I did not shed a tear, couldn’t break, had to be strong… I’m dying inside… everyone said I was the only one now that could reach her… I tried. God did I try. She is too far gone. She didn’t hear me. I know I know I know is all she says… she said I need a drink, a hit, something, anything and in that moment in my head I said me too and I meant it… I saw it, caught it, and had to walk away. I’m not strong enough. And I can’t stay and help her without putting myself at risk. I have to stay sober! I love her despite what she did. She made her choice. I wasn’t it. I can’t help her. This hurts so bad.