lethal, on the verge of frenzy

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                    You don’t know why you ever thought that it would work out with someone like him. The fact that you didn’t even know his real name until the two of you filed to request a marriage license together should have been the final sign to run, but instead you liked knowing that you knew something about him that no one else did.

                   You called him by his legal name for the first time on your wedding day- and he stared at you as though you had lost your damned mind. But every time after he would look at you as though he had just fallen in love with you for the first time all over again.

                                                    Part One

                  You’re attending law school and he was the shithead that worked at the coffee shop around the corner. He misspells your name every day and you will always stop to correct him. At some point you begin to suspect that he’s doing it on purpose as a means of getting you to talk to him before you leave.

                 Your first date is at the Shedd aquarium in Chicago. A man proposes to his girlfriend in the Beluga tank with the adorable assistance of one of the whales. You’re inclined to think it’s cheesy and contrived but his enthusiasm is contagious. You can’t tell if he actually knows the penguins by name or if he’s just making them up as he goes. He kisses you in front of a tank full of jellyfish and you can’t help but wonder what the hell you’re thinking.

               You’re in love- and he’s nothing like the person that you thought you wanted. He is everything that you’re not. Impulsive. Outgoing. Generous to the point of what you feel is being careless with his heart. Your friends are in shock. His friends are in shock. You’re both too busy dreaming of a life together to care. 

              You often stay up late at night together talking about your pasts and your hopes for the future. You love that he openly tells you so much about himself, even the things that he can’t take any pride in. You love that he tells you he’s never told anyone about these things before. You tell him that he should be proud. Proud of who he is today. Proud that he left all of that behind him. Your faith in him breaks his heart because he thinks the world of you. You’re everything that he’s not.

                                                     Part Two

            Marriage is great but sometimes you feel a disconnect between the two of you. He becomes uncharacteristically withdrawn at times and you fear that he’s bored or unhappy- and that this might draw him backwards into old habits. You both agree that you crave a fresh start, making the decision to move away from the city. 

             You find a job with a small law firm in a sleepy town called Muddy Waters. You buy a house together and adopt a dog named Wrigley. He’s convinced that the dog is named that because of the way its whole body swings when it wags its tail but you’re sure that it’s probably named after Wrigley Field in Chicago. You’re in love with the thought that the two of you have nothing worse to argue about. You start thinking about what it would be like to start a family together. 

             You’re supportive when he gets a job as an apprentice at a local tattoo and piercing shop. He’s talented. You think he’ll be happy there even if you secretly question what kind of legitimate future there is in a job like that. Both of you are talking about kids now but the timing isn’t right. Still, it makes you ridiculously happy to know that you’re on the same page for the future.

                                                    Part Three

           You come home from work and he’s in the back yard. He is beside himself. Wrigley was hit by a car on the road earlier that afternoon. You’re upset and angry. You struggle not to blame him for the dog’s death. How many times did you insist that he keep Wrigley on the leash? You help to bury your pet and go to bed early but you won’t be able to sleep. You both want to comfort the other but a wedge of guilt and resentment lies between you.

          You start working longer hours at the office. It’s largely irrelevant to your relationship because he works second shift anyway. You only see much of each other on Sundays, the one day that you both have off from work. You can tell that he’s lonely. You’re lonely too.

        You’re at work and you get a call from your next door neighbor. They tell you that the cops were at your door earlier. You call his phone but there’s no answer. You find out later that he was arrested at his work earlier in the afternoon and you weren’t the person that he called for help. 

        You rush to the precinct’s office to help sort things out. The detectives don’t have enough evidence and the charges are dropped against him but you know that he’s guilty. You know because of the way that he allows the silence to settle between you on the car ride home. He hates silence. He says it always makes him feel like something is wrong. And maybe that was true for him. Something was definitely wrong. 

        You tell him that you can’t live like this. That you won’t. You tell him that you want a future. That you want someone stable. That you need someone you can rely on. All he hears is that you want someone who isn’t him. 

        You offer to leave but he insists on being the one to go. He doesn’t leave town, though. In fact, he doesn’t ever seem to get very far before he’s back on your doorstep. He never asks for a second chance. He just tells you that he’s sorry. His heart is broken. You know because you recognize the look on his face. You recognize it because it mirrors the things that you don’t know how to put into words. You can normally talk your way out of anything but the moment that he shows up you don’t know what to say anymore, torn between begging him to stay or closing the door in his face.

“I’m happy you said yes, I had already told the landlord you were moving in.” She admit with a small giggle escaping her, closing her eyes as he pushed her. Ignoring the fact that the crisp air was causing her nose and cheeks to flush with color. Alex hated the cold, but seemed to forget about that as he pushed her. Purely happy with him in that moment, allowing herself to smile and giggle freely. All that mattered to her in that moment was how happy she was to be with him, not the fact she was so openly displaying her emotions. That was something that she was normally uncomfortable doing in front of anybody but him.

She took that as an open invite to drag him wherever she wanted to go. And she did just that, starting with a quick walk until they ended up at a park. “This is the place I dragged you out to ask if we should move in together, remember?” She asked, as if he could have forgotten. Her hand still in his pocket, she untangled from him to place herself down on a swing. Looking up at him, Alex’s smile had yet to fall.

Nico laughed as she pulled him in the direction of the park, letting himself be led along by her. He didn’t care at all that he’d just walked out in the middle of his shift, confident that they wouldn’t be able to fire him when he was one of the only knowledgeable members of the team. 

wolfgang bogdanow 

Alex glanced up as she felt his gaze burning into her, smiling when she saw he was. “Anything?” She said happily, looking back forwards and thinking about what she would even want to do. She wasn’t sure, she was just happy he agreed. “Well, what would you like to do?” She asked, figuring it was best for him to suggest something so she knew he would like it. After all, she thought he would like the last outing they went. They both knew how that ended up.

Nico nodded, pulling her closer to him as they walked. “Anything.” He confirmed with a grin. He knew that he would probably regret it but he just wanted to keep her as happy as she seemed right then. He looked upwards as she asked him what he wanted to do, guessing that she was probably apprehensive about dragging him into anything for a fear of repeating the night before. 

Alex happily kept herself snug against him as they walked. “It’s okay, it’s not as if I was actively keeping it from you.” She said with a small shrug, glancing up at him. “I guess I just didn’t think to tell you, you’ve never liked talking about ex-boyfriends.” She added with a small giggle, looking back forward. Wanting to be able to hold onto him, but not being able to since his arm was holding onto her, she slipped her hand into his front pocket. “Let’s do something.” She looked up at him, knowing that he probably wouldn’t want to do to the fact that he never was one to want to go out. It was a worth a shot, she figured.

“It’s not that I don’t- I just... the past complicates things. I tend to focus on whatever is happening now.” Nico’s tone was apologetic. He hadn’t meant to make her feel like he didn’t want her to talk about her past. He had so much history himself that he couldn’t fault anyone for having some shit behind them. It was true that he got jealous but only of people currently around them. 

“I wouldn’t mind at all.” She said with a smile. Untangling her arm from him to wipe off her cheeks, but quickly putting it back around him. Her gaze never broke off of him and she looked happy. Alex couldn’t wrap her mind around the fact he was with her, she would never think that she deserved him. He was too good for her, she honestly thought. “I’m madly in love with you,” She whispered, her eyes scanning him.

As he spoke, she didn’t notice that her smile kept widening every second he stared at her and spoke to her with so much love she couldn’t handle it. As soon as his arms wrapped around her, she instantly clung to him. Standing on the tops of her toes to hold onto his neck, face pressed up against his chest as her eyes closed. Without realizing it, fat tears of joy started to form and softly start to roll down to curves of her face. “I love you, and I know I yell at you quite a bit but I’m just so confused. I’ve never felt for somebody so strongly and I’ll never get used to knowing you that I have somebody who cares enough to put up with me.” She paused to softly laugh, turning her head to the side that she could easily look up at him. “I love you, I’ve never loved somebody as much as I know I love you. I’m already yours, you can’t get rid of me now.”

Her smaller hand slipped into his much larger one, standing up and allowing him to lead her to the door. Alex couldn’t recall a time she had seen Nico stumble so much, and she got the hint that he needed to leave. Not following why, but not asking him. By the time she was close to the door, and practically rubbing shoulders with him, she could hear him snarl. “You cut your hair.” His voice was rough as ever, and she didn’t get the chance to reply as the door slammed closed behind her. Alex cut her hair for a number of reasons, but the biggest one being how he used to wrap his hand around her locks as if it was a handle. His words caused her to shudder, but she didn’t say anything about his comment to Nico. Wasn’t worth making him mad.

Nico heard the comment from the other man, his blood boiling in his veins as he pulled Alex outside of the trailer with him. He shut the door behind them with too much force, standing at the bottom of the stairs and turning towards her. He felt so aggressively defensive of her, forcing himself to keep those feelings from making him hurt the perpetrator like he wanted to.  

He let go of her hand, his hands moving to clasp her face tightly between them. He searched her face, her little nose red from the cold wind that blew around them. “I love you, Alex.” His tone was quiet but desperate, earnest in the tension. “I love your hair. I love your butt. I love that every morning I wake up realizing that you mean more to me than making coffee. I love your hair.” His throat tightened as he repeated the sentiment, his fingertips pushing into the strands of hair behind her ears. He wanted to take her as far from there as he could get her- but only once he knew that she wanted and trusted him to keep her safe.

“When I broke up with him.” She clarified, her expression falling so her lips were in a tight line. “Besides, I didn’t tell you everything about him when we started dating because it’s not the best conversation starter.” Alex let out a soft laugh, her lips turning up into a soft smile as she did so. “I didn’t want you to pity me or anything.” She shrugged, thinking about the first few weeks they were together. Alex could recall regretting getting into a relationship with him right after him, figuring she probably should have tried to get with somebody softer. Nowadays, she had no regrets when it came to him. She did love him now, a lot. Right as she was thinking about those little memories, the trailers door opened up. Looking up, her eyes almost instantly landed back Nico. What a sadly familiar face, she just hoped he wouldn’t look over. “Classic.” She mumbled, pouting.

Nico frowned deeply, trying to read correctly into what she was telling him. He accidentally hit the table leg with his boot, making a noise that was too loud for the room just then. His shoulders squared defensively as he heard the door open, glancing back over his shoulder to see that it was the devil himself. 

She was stupid and she knew there were strange similarities between the two of them. However, there was one thing that stood out about him compared to her ex. Without breaking eye contact, her lips tugged up into a small smile. Alex smiled because she knew that he was comparing himself to the guy, but the things she tucked away about their relationship was what made them different. “I know you do.” She said without flinching, leaning back into her chair completely before speaking again. “But, you don’t leave scars.” Alex knew during some nights, the one like the most recent, he must have noticed them popping up in random placing along her forearms. Truthfully, that was part of the reason she wasn’t the biggest fan of them.

Nico didn’t even realize that he’d started holding his breath, waiting for her response. He was preparing himself for the worst, caught off guard by her response when it did come.

Alex looked off to the side, shrugging softly almost to dismiss the idea quickly. But, after a few seconds of that, she felt bad ignoring him so she just let out another sigh and looked back over at him. “He yelled at me, which doesn’t sound that bad considering his main hobby used to be yelling at me. It was very fitting for him, actually. If anything, I was surprised he only yelled.” Alex scoffed towards the end of her sentence, noticing he had leaned closer. Mimicking his movements, she also leaned closer.

Nico stared at her, trying to decide if she was keeping more from him or not. He was pretty sure that her description of the guy she’d left for him could always be used to describe him. 

“Not sure, I hardly got a good look at him.” She locked eyes with him, glad his features looked less harsh now. It was possible he had noticed her, she would be surprised if he hadn’t since she had yelled out to Nico. It was very possible, although she hopes he hadn’t simply since he was a jerk. Alex wouldn’t stop visiting because he was here, but she supposed it may be strange for Nico to talk to him now. Maybe he wouldn’t notice him slip away with her, but she knew it would be hard for him not to. “It doesn’t really matter to me, it’s not like he can do much.”