EMOTIONAL RANT, TW.
I cant do a read more on mobile
I'm so sick of lying about how I feel and I'm sick of always being in the background. I don't resent my sister, I resent the fact that no one is as interested in my own desires and hobbies as hers; I resent the fact that she gets everything she always needs or wants — but the moment I actually breathe a word about what I want, or think of wanting something, somehow the universe shoots it down or gobbles it up and something happens to prevent any action.
I tried to call both my mom and my sister to confirm when they would be back and if I could get lunch with two friends. But neither answered their phones and I'm a little upset by that fact. I told them to go without me, even though I haven't seen one of them in so, so long. I just wanted to get lunch with them. I just wanted to do something I wanted for a change
No one asks me about my writing (not that I can even write anymore)
No one asks me about my health (which is probably for the best, i am not doing well)
I don't have time to do the things I love, I don't have time to rest, I don't have time for myself, I don't have time.
And im spiraling even more. I've cried 4 times today already. I'm frustrated and angry and hurt and so, so, so tired.
I want to quit my job and quit school and just i just need to breathe but I feel like I can't
Everything feels so pointless and like a waste of time and effort.
My birthday is this month, but every part of this month is taken up by doing things for other people, going to work, and doing schoolwork.
I just want to give up on everything. A part of me wishes I had never left my old job. It may have been awful on my body and didn't pay well, but I was surrounded by things I loved and people I liked. Things were going pretty great for a while, but now everything is just getting worse and worse. Including my mental health.
