#yooooo

I'm sitting on the staircase.

I'll breathe in,

the air of this house that has melded my teeth

and keeps me from the warm sun

entering my lungs.

And I'll breathe out,

feeling the youth that supposedly I possess

barreling out into the air,

disintegrating against my responsibilities.

How old am I?

If the researchers were to find my body

exactly as it is now,

would they remark on the damage to the wrist bones?

Would they note the Marie Antoinette paintings that cover my head?

Would they note the fangs that line my teeth in rows?

They'd believe me to be 25 at the youngest.

25 with 3 kids.

If someone had no idea who I was

and saw me out at the park,

holding my darling childs hand

and looking like I just rolled out of bed,

would they believe me to be my age?

If they saw how short my breath is,

how I yell,

how I wish for the simpler times,

would they believe me if I said what I actually am?

I don't know how I'm supposed to act.

I haven't anyone around me that isn't stressed.

No one except for the one I call my daughter.

But she's not my daughter.

I'm no ones mother.

I'm 15.

And I don't know how to act 15.

And I'm scared.

I'm scared that,

one day,

I'll wake up in my 40's

and realize I don't remember anything.

I don't remember anythingfrom ages 7-15,

it's all just a black hole.

Passing moments

of sounds

and feelings are all I have.

And now,

all I can do is sit here.

Breathing on a staircase.

Waiting for my baby to return.

If I cannot live for me,

I will live for her,

and him,

and them,

and anyone else who cares about me.

You guys are different,

you could have it all.

had the best nap of my life oh mygsohhh im wole uo seeing in 4D