Emotional Dependency 053021
For someone who creates different projects through code, dependency is a word that I am very familiar with. I install different dependencies needed in my application. For a normal person, dependency can simply mean being dependent on something; just like how a sick person is dependent on a certain medicine or a baby being naturally dependent on a parent. But Iโm a 21 turning 22-year old individual whose life hasnโt been figured out - I havenโt even finished my degree yet. No pressure, though. We all have our own rates of growth, our own pace. I think itโs safe to say that itโs common for people in my age to wish that clocks turned faster. As much as being young comes with a lesser sense of responsibility, wouldnโt it also be great to earn your own money and spend it on yourself?
Anyway, the purpose of this entry is to not talk about the future. These thoughts came to life because of some realizations of a 1-day trip outside my home.
My mood is easily affected because Iโm too emotionally dependent on someone.ย Iโve met people in the past that I liked but I clearly remember that I was never like this to them. Last night, while holding a plate to eat dinner, I accidentally bumped on the wall while thinking of how fucked up my mind is. It can be easy to say to not think of this person too much but trust me, I have been struggling to love myself more ever since the year started. At the end of the day, I end up losing my mood because we werenโt able to talk well.
Our priorities differ.ย He works, I study. Most of the time, weโre both busy but I recently told him that the kind of busy he has and I have is different. My busy entails being in front of my laptop for a maximum of 12 hours or even more. In between, I scroll my social media accounts. Meanwhile, his busy isnโt like that. Iย always, always, always miss him. But what can I do when weโre both busy with our own lives? As much as I want the both of us to grow individually but not apart, I always have to remind myself that we have better things to prioritize.
I have been struggling mentally maybe around the time I started college and the reason is merely Academics. It was because of this relationship that I discovered how much I still have to grow and improve. That Iโm a person who also needs some comfort and love after a long day of coding. That I tend to get needy. That I usually overthink. That I need constant reassurance. Sometimes, these things are put into a halt when he gets to spend time with me, but when heโs gone, I feel like I need more room for self-improvement.
But why do I stay despite things resulting into compromising my mental health? Simply because as cheesy as it sounds, love, can become oneโs safe place. I remember being unable to sleep well because I couldnโt install a certain application needed for my project. Decided to try the next day, but the night before that, he randomly woke up and I think, asked why I was still awake. I felt nothing but relief when he asked that. His voice comforted my mind and pushed me to rest that night. It was then when I realized that I really am in love with him.ย
You can be in love but relationships are not perfect from the start. Instead, they are supposed to improve over time. You can spend the whole day together but still get immature fights every now and then. It is through these misunderstandings that we get to know ourselves better. The other night, I told him how he was unfair for not telling me how he really felt; why he felt distant. But I also made him worry a few nights earlier without telling him what happened and leaving him thinking what actually happened to me. It is always important to tell the truth. Unfortunately for me, I couldnโt easily tell him that I broke down that night. There you have it, the thing I need to improve with. Weโre still young and we have all the time in our lives to improve but a part of me wants more. Hopes for more time but when your enemy is something you canโt easily defeat, ehem priorities, then most of the time, all we have to do is wait until theyโre ready.
I always remind myself to not get too toxic. But I feel like Iโm being toxic and I just never get to tell him. I tell myself to not demand too much because it can be suffocating. This setup is difficult especially when Iโm always hoping even for a little of his free time but I hope and pray that this goes well for the both of us. And if weโre truly the ones in the end, then I truly wish that we get to spend the rest of our lives well.
Hereโs to conquering emotional dependency. Not now, but soon I will.
