hyperfix

I do not give you or anyone else permission to use Scout or my art work unless SPECIFICALLY told so. I DO NOT OWN CALL OF DUTY OR ANY CHARACTERS - BESIDES SCOUT AND PROVERB.

I decided to go back to solo missions, a bought spy for any government willing to pay the highest price. Only i just couldn’t bring myself to spy for the terrorists again, something id have to blame on my now former team. Price was so passionate about trust and having a home base with something to believe in, hell i almost believed in ‘Queen and country’ after so many talks. He made things much harder now, going from having him make all the decisions to making them myself again was a surprise. Granted, he was probably making them because he didn’t trust me. I wouldn’t trust me again, not now, i was back in the cover of masks and wigs. Something i didn’t have to do with them, i wasn’t a spy with them, not really anyway, i was more an equal, an able body soldier vs an attractive seducer.

Missing Soap and Gaz was a whole other heartache, what once was playful banter and scheduled fun was just gone. No more giggling about something Ghost said or what Price was yelling at us for, just alone. Just simply alone.

3 months in i decided to take a mission with another team, not joining, just helping out. It was run by none other than Captain Williams, who id worked with before, a kind man that took no shit and made sure everyone went home safe regardless of upper orders. He had welcomed me with open arms, not once asking how id been or if i was doing well, i think he knew just by the state of me. His team was kind enough, the banter was easy and warmed my heart a bit to hear. I didn’t join in, i don’t think i could’ve taken it.

It was the second mission with them that things took a turn for the worst. Urzikstan was at it again and it was all hands on deck for special forces and those alike.

Looking in the little mirror of the run down base we were hold up in i realized i had lost weight again.

Gaz would be pissed.

Gaz won’t know so why do i need to worry.

Gaz would be mad regardless of not trusting me.

I sigh heavily, im tired of comparing my life to my old one. I wasnt going to see them again, why did it matter now.

I rub some color into my cheeks to look alive at least and walk out of the tiny bathroom to go to the meeting. There were supposed to be a couple different teams and lone fighters showing up for this could-be catastrophe, it was still up in the air if the intel was correct but no one was willing to take the chance.

Five groups of men in between 4-8 per team stood around a table, looks like most the lone fighters decided to skip this particular one. Rude. I decided to just join with Captain Williams at the head of the table, walking there shouldnt have been a problem, it was just walking after all. Of course luck couldnt be on my side, it didnt seem to want me near it at all.

“Bonnie..?” A familiar Scottish accent whirls its way through my mind making everything feel so much better so very wrong. He was here, they had to all be here. What if they came for me? What if they tracked me down to bring me back? What if i get to go home again, i can go back to how it was before i over heard the conversation in Prices office or the fact they all skipped out on me, what if they just tell me it was all a misunderstanding and we laugh about it? Or what if it wasn’t a misunderstanding and they want to tell me i was right to leave, that they cant stand the thought of trusting me after i spent months with them in an emotional mask? I stop in my tracks. I can’t turn around, i cant see the look on his face, i cant take it if the nightmare I’ve had for so many weeks comes true. The nightmare of one of them finding me and showing the hate on their faces, the anxiety of it all had caused me to spiral so many times i couldn’t sleep most nights. So instead of hurting myself i do what i can and plaster the mask over my horrified expression, they can be right about one thing- ill always resort to the mask before anything else- and continue to walk to my spot next to Captain Williams.

It was a long briefing that almost ended a couple times due to arguments among the teams, no one expected them to all come together easy but it was exhausting to watch. Every captain had their own two cents to throw in or comments about another team’s position in it, they even argued about who was making how many kill shots. The only teams that didn’t argue just so happened to be the 141 and Williams own men. I couldnt bring myself to look up to check how they had been, I just stared at the map like it held every secret I’ve ever wondered about, i needed to find a way out of the meeting and far enough that they forgot i was there all together. My part of the mission was simple and shouldn’t require seeing them at all-

“-and as for the 141 youll be escorting her to the house so she can shimmy in the vents to place the devices, shouldnt be any issues knowing her work. After youll make sure she gets out and all meet at the rendezvous.-“

Oh. Fantastic. Now how did this shit show become my life.

“Understood.” Was the nail in my metaphorical coffin stapled by Captain John Price. His voice was gruff as usual but it was scratchy, like he had been yelling recently. I wonder what about. No, no i didnt wonder, it wasnt my place to wonder anymore. They didn’t wonder about me, i cant put the energy into them again.

The call had played in my head for a month after my leaving. A hellish lullaby made personally for me.

“I don’ know shite about’em! Im done, im not having this conversation anymore.”

He was right, i knew he was, i didn’t exactly open up. I just thought that i didn’t have to not until they asked, i was never one to spill my life story out on a whim but i didn’t think they knew nothing. I was so sure they knew more about me than they did Ghost, i thought that was a perfect middle to stay in till asked. I had been wrong, oh so wrong.

“-Im not keeping someone if i cant trust them!”

That sentence is why i decided to jump ship and now here i was, they were expected to trust me. And heaven knows they cant do that. So this might just be my final mission, either dead or injured beyond repair. That would be for the best in their eyes, in the nightmares i keep at night, they say the same. I wouldn’t have a choice or a chance then, no misunderstanding could fix it if i was dead or damaged.

After 2 grueling hours of back and forth bickering we all have our orders and the plan memorized. We had no time to waste so off we went into the night.

It took less time to get to the terrorist base than to talk about it, i had ridden with another team to the meet point so i didn’t have the headache of dealing with them for now. But as the ream dropped me off i now stood facing my old life as it stared back at me. Lady Luck showed her face at me for a moment when Price turned and started walking to the house i was meant to bug. Looks like it’s gonna be a quiet trip.

There were a few coughs, throat clearing and twig snap sounds to break the deafening silence but all in all it was hell to not break down and cry.

Getting into the house planting the bugs and getting out had gone remarkably smooth, no one had been awake for it so me slipping through the vents was a relaxing experience compared to today. Even the exit was easy, i hadnt really expected for Ghost to be there waiting for me but he had been. I had slipped out and waited for his signal to leave the premises, still not looking at his face. I knew id just see a skull with eyes but his eyes were always expressive enough, i didn’t want to see what was there waiting. I always hoped him and i understood each other on a level beyond words, like two cats who walked the same path of trust, never fully giving into it but hoping someone would trust us all the same. But now i just feared him, i feared them all, i feared what my nightmares had shifted them into.

He didnt wait too long to turn and lead us away from the building and back into the forest surrounding it. I was flanked by Gaz and Soap on either side of me after a moment, i tried to slow down to hopefully get out from between them until i felt the prickle of hairs standing up alerting me Price was hindering that plan. So i followed suit and became their middle once again.

Once again the walk was filled with silence, i couldnt imagine talking would be better but i almost wished theyd get it over with or something would happen. And then it did.

“You havent been eating.” Prices voice sounded gravely. I almost doubted he was speaking to me when a hand had touched my shoulder.

I flinched. Hard.

Hard enough they all stoped to see what had happened.

It was the first time i looked at any of them and i regretted it just as fast as my mind processed what i was seeing.

Standing to my left me was a man who hadn’t slept or had a full meal in at least as long as i had. He looked thinner and more jagged. Like he had been on the move for a while. His eyes met mine and i could see him reading the same book back to me. Two shells of who we were but not completely empty, like a light was still lit, just very much on life support. I went to speak, only i couldn’t, i couldn’t begin to imagine what id say. ‘Im sorry that you couldn’t trust me? Im sorry you never asked? Im sorry i ran with you all those mornings and never told you my favorite restaurant? Im sorry i left and said nothing but you did the same that morning?’ He wouldn’t understand even if i spilled my guts for them to sift through my very soul for all the answers.

To my right was Johnny, a sweet and caring man who would (and wanted to) take his shirt off and give it to anyone who needed it. Someone who could match what your emotions were and understand what you needed and when. Looking at him now he still couldn’t reach my eyes. The grimace on his face had me recoiling back into myself, id never seen him so closed off before. What i wouldnt give to have him trust me again.

I knew what Ghosts face would show, nothing. Ever the statue of wordless judgement.

So i looked at Price instead, i couldnt seem to force my body to turn around so i just looked back at him quietly. He looked dejected to say the least.

So instead of trying to smooth it over i kept my mouth closed and looked away. I couldn’t risk spilling everything here and now.

It didnt take long to get back and have the mission over with, the imtel had been wrong, it was just a drug cartel getting too excited for their own good. I expected everyone to leave pretty quickly after we found out, i had been mostly right on my assumption.

Price had talked to Williams for a couple hours when we had said our goodbyes to the other teams, i guess he didn’t like or dislike what had been talked about because when he emerged from the room they were both quiet about it.

Did they talk about me? Did Price warn Williams that i couldn’t be trusted? Did i mess up again?

“You told me you had a place to stay.” Williams drug me out of my spiral with a statement.

“I do.” I lie, i had lied about having a ‘home-base’ for a while now. I didnt want to stay with his guys in between missions if i did more with them.

“I know all your safe houses dove. Theres none near here.” It was Price who called me out. Why did he care? And why did he ask? Also why does he remember?

“…Im fine, i have a place.” I dont want to look eitger of them in the eyes but if i have to do that to convince them then i will.

So i did.

I shouldn’t have.

I was speechless at the look on Prices face. It was such a complex emotion i almost thought i forgot how to breathe.

His demeanor and face read ‘why did you do this?’ But not in an accusatory way, just a genuine hurt question.

“What did we do wrong?” It was a broken sounding question from Gaz, god had i missed him. I just about broke then and there.

“What?-“ I started to ask looking at him.

“-Just please love, i know what we did hurt you but you wouldn’t leave just cause of that right? We forgot your birthday and im so- god im so sorry. You have to believe we had something in the works for it but we didn’t know the day and we should’ve just asked- we get that now-“ Gaz rambles faster than i can process.

“Stop.” Ghost interjects. “Captain Williams will you give us a bit.”

It was enough to turn my blood cold. I looked towards Williams retreating figure. The fucker left me alone with this.

It was silent for a moment. No one dared look away from me as i gaped at the door Williams had left through.

“Answer him. Why did you leave like that, what the hell did we do.”

A moment.

Another.

“What did you do?” I asked quietly just above a whisper. It wasnt me asking them and they knew that.

I look at Price then, they didnt know i heard his conversation, or that i picked up on them being distant. Thats just how much of a wall they put up. They didn’t bother to realize it had been obvious.

“Nothing, you didn’t do anything, i just left. Mind if i leave now?” It wasn’t a complete lie, they hadn’t done anything directly at me.

I almost hoped they wouldn’t let me. Almost.

I tried to walk forward, Soap leaned towards my escape stoping me from taking a step. But he kept his eyes averted still. Were they red? Must be allergy season.

“You just left? You just left? Why? How could you leave and not have a reason. How could you leave and not say a damn word?” Gaz’s voice started to get scarier. It wasn’t yelling, it wasn’t strong. Just demanding, a demanding of a truth i couldn’t begin to form.

My hands found their way to my sleeves, i felt like a child being scolded. The only problem is that i cant handle that and now im about .5 seconds from blowing up about the last couple months. I’ll go nuclear before I can stop myself.

I couldn’t stop myself.

“Are you kidding me? Of course i left, hell i jumped ship the moment i felt the tide shift! Well thats not quite true is it? I felt the waves a few times before the boat could rock hard enough to kick me off. You wanna know what you did? Why dont we think back to the day i left, wont we?” I began.

“-I woke up and you were already running, alright no problem i can catch up right? No issues right? No you just take off and leave me there alone. Thats fine im a big girl, ill run alone.”

I look at Ghost next.

“And you, you hurt im not gonna lie. Remember our usual training session? No? Well i did. I waited for hours. Mr. Punctual never showed. Never called.”

I look at Soap and i almost loose my resolve when i see the recognition in his eyes. He figured his part out already.

“Yeah, thats exactly what i saw. And i probably wouldnt have been upset but youre the one who wanted to wait and try out the guns with me. Instead you get Ghost to literally ghost me and mess with them without me. Real kind of you. Made the leaving part easier.”

I look at Price who is glaring.

“Let me paraphrase for you, had to eavesdrop, didnt mean to, but when someones screaming it loud enough you begin to assume youre meant to hear it too. “I dont care! Im not keeping someone if i cant trust them!”” I almost snarl his words back to him.

“So excuse me if i took a look at the barrel pointed at my head and decided to move. I get it, im a spy, im a liar, i will never be trusted. I. Get. It. What i dont get is you cornering me now, i left already. I walked away and now you never have to deal with someone you cant trust. Isnt that enough for you?” I ended my rant finally.

I was crying. I hate how fed up i feel, how broken , how hollow i had been feeling. I thought the fire of yelling at them would warm me, instead it just made my throat crawl with ash.

A moment.

Another.

“Christ Love,” Price began, he brought his arms up above his head and rested them there like he was relieved. How could he be relieved. “You really know how to misconstrue things donchya?”

Misconstrue? How could i misconstrue all that?

“Gaz why don’t you tell her how you stayed up all night cause Suds here made you play video games all night and i yelled at you for not sleeping so you went and took a nap?”

I looked at Gaz, okay i can believe this, still shitty but believable.

“I didn’t forget, i didn’t text you, but it was because i sent that rookie with the shit hair cut to be your personal punching bag. I had a meeting i couldn’t get out of. I guess he decided not to show. I should’ve called you but i thought he was a good enough man to show up and explain for me.”

Believable, still a dickish move on all accounts but not something id put past him.

“I jammed the pink one i gotchya.”

I looked at Johnny. He looked like a kicked puppy again, less broken though.

“Remember when we picked them out and there was that pinkish one? I bought it me’self. It was real pretty and you loved it so i got it for ya. Only problem was that it had a zip thingy and i asked Ghost to fix it before our range time. I didn’t mean for you to see me messing with them, i just wanted it perfect when ya were ready.” He trailed off at the end. It sounded like he had so much more to say but couldn’t handle it himself.

My heart broke then.

And even more after.

“Shepard called me to discuss adding another to the team. It’s as simple as that. I don’t trust them and i don’t want them on the team. I’ll never-“ he took a step closer so i was forced to look up at him.

“We’ll never not trust our spy. Im tired of your little stunt. You’ve had us and yourself all worked up over a miscommunication catastrophe. You’re coming home and we’re celebrating your birthday. Speaking of, if you ever buy yourself your own cake again I’ll personally ban you from leaving the base again.”

“It was a cupcake.” I say through tears.

“Get your stuff, you’re coming home.”

“Okay Captain.”

It took 7 rough drafts. 7. I deleted and rewrote this so many times i cant remember whats in this anymore.

Im so sorry it took so long, i became victim to the dating world and that became traumatic quickly.

Taglist:

I walk over and softly grab the files in his hand, expecting him to hand them over easy and take his leave. Only he doesn’t, he doesn’t even move, he hadn’t looked away from the lone cupcake on the counter.

“Hey if im gonna do it i need the files.” I say trying to pull them out of his grasp without ripping them. Only then he looks down at me, i was surprised when i couldnt read his expression. The man was usually an open book, you could read him cover to cover without flipping the page.

“What is that.” It was more of a statement than a question, like he knew but couldn’t believe what it meant.

I look back to the treat i had bought myself, a little more than just confused now as i look back at him. “It’s a cupcake?” I say now skeptical. “Its not gonna bite you, relax.” I joke hoping he would snap out of it.

Soap stares at me still unreadable in the doorway, he takes the papers back and walked down the hall to presumably Prices room without another word. I close my door for the night, no need for anyone else to be upset with my presence today. It seemed no one was remotely happy with me all damn day and that for lack of better words was the cherry on top.

I hadnt expected anything to happen on my birthday, not really anyway. I hadnt brought up my birthday with the team and i had only joined the 141 less than 10 months ago. They hadnt asked and i never told so really it wouldve been my own fault if i had expected anything. But i had hoped for at least a happy birthday wish, as stupid as that sounds. I had thought for sure as the Captain, Price wouldve known my birthday and maybe he wouldve said something, anything. But wishful thinking can hurt worse than a bullet.

When i had emerged from my room this morning to find Gaz had started our usual run without me that had hurt a little, but no worries i can catch up or just run it alone. Only Gaz had stopped running after i started and had gone back to the barracks. I had shrugged it off then.

Later was Ghost, he quite literally ghosted me on training together, it was supposed to start at noon on the dot. Nothing, not a text, not a call, not even 4 hours later. It was when i was training recruits that i saw why, Ghost and Soap had been at the range all day. Shooting the new guns Soap and i had agreed to try out together.

So three of the four men i worked with day in and day out had done something completely out of character. Surely Price would break the cycle of today.

I decided to test it out, walking to his office across the base. I decide i need to start telling the guys more about myself, hell, did they know anything personal about me? They never really asked so i didnt worry about it. I knew so much about them, i could recall all of their favorite movies, food, drinks, guns, knife brands, i could even remember the family members theyve talked about and Soap had so many. But i cant remember telling them any of that about me. By the time i got to Prices office im so lost in thought i almost just walk on in. Luckily im pulled from my thoughts hearing Price on the phone, louder than normal.

“I dont care if the best is on my damn team i need to be able to trust every single person on it! Im not keeping someone if i cant trust them!” The other person talks calmer more trying to coax him to relax.

Price still raises his voice annoyed. “I don’ know shite about’em! Im done, im not having this conversation anymore.” Hanging up the phone he sighes loudly. I blink back tears in succession.

He didn’t trust me? I get not knowing much but i didn’t hide things from them, if they asked i wouldve told? I didn’t mean to make them not trust me, i just didn’t want to share if they didn’t want to know. I didn’t mean for this. I didn’t mean for any of it. How did it get this bad? How did i miss the signs of them pulling away, i hadnt seen anything different up until today.

But now it made sense, Gaz wouldn’t want to run with someone he couldn’t trust, Ghost would never train someone he didn’t trust, and why would Soap test guns with me? It was so obvious now.

I wipe my tear streaked face and walk quickly back to our- their, barracks. I couldn’t call it ours anymore, i wasn’t part of the team. Id need to pack, id need to find a new team again. Only i didn’t want to and that just caused me to cry again. I loved the guys with everything now, it took me so long to let them in and just as long to get Ghost to trust me, i thought everything was okay. It was so perfectly fine just 12 hours ago.

I walk into my room shutting the door quietly, packing wouldn’t take long, i didn’t have much. I hadnt joined with more than a duffel bag to my name. I could still fit everything in that bag in the corner of the room. But when i opened the fridge is when I remembered the cupcake i had bought myself.

Now here i was packing after Soap had walked out, i didn’t relight the candle, i didn’t really have a wish that could come true. The only one i could think of is that today hadn’t happened at all. But it was bound to happen if Price was that upset on the phone. Better to jump ship than to be pushed. I finish up packing and look around, nothing of mine, nothing that could show i had even been there at all except a lone cupcake on the counter. And thats exactly how i had lived before the 141, why would now be any different. Price had said in the beginning that i could change the room however i wanted, glad i didn’t.

Walking out of the barren room i could hear voices down the hall, some louder than others, seemed like an argument. I turned and began the walk to the front base gate, no longer do i need to worry them with my presence. No longer did they need to worry about an untrusted stranger.

Should i make a part 2?

It had been horrible to say the least, a nosy neighbor had looked through your window this morning before work and had scared the hell out of you. A pervy co worker had made you uncomfortable when he all but rubbed himself against your ass. And to top it off? You burned your dinner while day dreaming. So you climbed the hill to not be bothered again till tomorrow.

Well no one bothered you till the aliens showed up.

Kicking and screaming you did everything in your power to stop them from getting to you. Even going as far as tearing a metal pipe from the wall and using it as a weapon. They didnt like that, but they managed to sedate your wild ass.

You didnt know why they kidnapped you but you had your guesses based on pop culture and any book you read about them.

Oh boy how wrong you were.

Based on your little temper tantrum they decided to forgo the original experiments and instead placed you in a dark cell. It was big but not huge, dirty but not disgustingly so.

Looking around the cell you could see a bed that resembled a cot, and-

Oh fuck something moved in the corner.

Scrambling away from the movement you ended up against the other corner back pressing as hard as you could against it.

“Shh maus.”

Well that wasn’t English but it was close enough to a human language that you decided it meant to shut up. The voice in the shadows was almost comforting, a lull of sorts.

Staying in your corner you decided not to speak, too damn afraid of the consequences of lashing out verbally or crying uncontrollably. You looked like a scared cat for what felt like an hour, just staring at the shape in the other corner.

After the next hour passed you decided to let yourself look around again. Taking in the environment was easier now that youve decided the creature in the corner was a prisoner just like you were, not some blood thirsty horror.

“Are you going to scream?” The creature asked quietly.

Snapping your eyes back towards its corner your muscles tensed once again.

“….no.” You answered but your voice wavered, you were obviously terrified beyond belief. Having no warning of what was going to happen and not being able to see the thing in the dark corner had your mind spinning. Your eyes played tricks on you while trying to outline the figure across the cell.

Paranoia had crept up your spine as you waited and waited for the thing to speak again or move an inch.

“What the hell is going on?” You asked the creature in the shadows. You knew it wasnt human- no human was that damn big. Was it a male? The voice sounded male but it couldve been a damn mimic for all you knew.

“They decided not to experiment on you, maus.” He-it responded carefully. You stared at him unblinking, did that mean theyd let you go? Surely they had no use of you otherwise.

“No, they’re not letting you go.” It guesses your thought path.

“Ah. Okay. Fuck.-“ Your mind races to catch up with your panicking words.

“-why am i still alive then?” You desperately want an answer that isn’t worse than the thought of death.

“Didn’t act like a normal human female. You fought back.” He explains as if it was obvious.

“Of course i fought back, who wouldn’t? And what do you mean by ‘a normal human female’? Are you saying theres been multiple?” You hurriedly asked the thing in the corner hoping it would continue to answer your questions.

“Many. They’ve taken many humans. None have survived the experiments. Some fought back but none managed to create a weapon out of the ship. Besondere kleinigkeit.” He explains. His eyes almost glowing as he watched you process the information.

“What are you then? You dont seem human, but you sound like youre from earth.” Theres no way you could keep pretending to not care what he is.

He laughs, a genuine chuckle comes from his chest. “Not human, not something you’d understand.”