the idiot queen.

accidentally fell in love w/ like 12 people this week OOPS

supposed to be cleaning my house but im not because ive lost all motivation to clean/do anything/exist in general

i been doing some research and it turns out i am a sagittarius moon which makes a lot of sense like totally explains why i am easily bored and crave travel and adventure and new experiences thx a lot @ the moon for making sure i am never satisfied w/ anything in my life

don't wanna admit that im really struggling bc that's LAME but also im really struggling it's really bad all i want to do is go to bed and stay there forever and my anxiety has gotten so bad like so so bad to the point where im almost constantly nauseous which is making it reaaaaaaal hard to not throw up every single thing i eat which is honestly not a lot anyway bc i!!! hate!!! food!!!! so there ya go im 15 again how FUCKED up is that

today at work i was doing wash up and i was talking this guy who was also doing wash up and we ended up having a water fight w/ the huge high pressure hose and i was GIGGLING bc i was just genuinely really happy to be enjoying work again bc since I moved stores and i don't really know anyone ive been DREADING going to work most days and i was just so actually deeply happy to be having fun and like ?? having a friend!! it was just a nice feeling but ANYWAY as i was giggling he was just looking at me and then he was like "hey don't take this the wrong way but you have the cutest laugh it makes me feel happy you make me smile" and im JUST !!!!! what a compliment!!! has anyone ever said anything that nice to me before EVER ??? IDK !!!! maybe not!!! that is probably all i want from life TBH!!!!

okay so LISTEN i am just very happy that i know soooooo many nice people they're all just so nice and it means SO MUCH to me i just wanna tell everyone that it means so much??? when they're so nice??? for no reason like they don't want anything they just say nice things that make me SMILE and then i can't stop smiling bc it is SO NICE when ppl are nice i am full of love for all the nice

im sad and empty and defeated and i feel like i can't possibly do this assignment but i can't sleep because it's not done and the house is messy and im exhausted and i just want to give up on everything im done im done im done i can hear my husband snoring and he's all the way upstairs i just want to crawl into bed and stay there forever why is everything so hard it hurts a lot

according to all known laws of physics no two things are ever actually touching no matter how hard you push them together their atoms will always remain apart and i have always believed in science i ran my hand through his hair and thought about all those tiny atoms just dancing past my fingertips i pressed my lips to hers and i didn't feel them touch and i believed in science until i held your hand and you were as close to me as if you had just crawled inside my skin and i felt every single one of my atoms pressed up against every single one of your atoms and i knew that all those physicists were wrong they just hadn't met you yet

im a little bit sad but i think it's a good thing tbh... like w/ everything going on rn i feel like i could be a lot more sad but im coping and i honestly think it's bc i have such a good support system?? like i think that maybe i actually know all of the best people in the whole wide world and i am just surrounded by love and support and ESPECIALLY it is so so nice and i am so so grateful to have a partner.... GOD it is so much easier to not collapse when u always got someone holding u up ya know i always have somebody right next to me to help me and guide me and hold my hand when there's nothing else that can be done

im writing you a letter to tell you that im letting you go im writing to tell you that i am sick of holding myself back that you make me weak but i want to be strong and you make me hard but i want to be soft and i want to climb mountains and i want to go everywhere that ever was i do not want to die here so i won't

im so freaking tired im exhausted and everything is so hard it literally never ends i am being buried by things that i need to do or pay or SOMETHING and i can't fucking get out of this hole