she knows she shouldn’t pry or force alex to talk about things. but she’s selfish – she’s a luthor after all. maybe it would be best to shove it down and let it go, but lena can’t do that. it’s not the way she’s built. not since moving to national city. she wants to figure it out because at the very least she doesn’t want to lose a friend. not only is alex a brilliant mind, but she’s become a major part of her life. and lena hasn’t stopped thinking about the kiss and how the beer mixed with alex tasted. it’s fucking maddening. she exhales and blinks a few times. her fingers curl into her palm and she counts backwards from five. she’s sure her therapist calls them grounding techniques, but she can’t be bothered to really figure it out.
“you have been and that’s okay. i was too. but i can’t do it anymore. not when we have to work together.” among other things, but lena needs to find a way to build to that. she doesn’t want to scare the agent away. “i want you to be honest. if you regret it, i understand. i’m a luthor and everything.” she says the last bit with some self deprecation. it can’t be helped. “if you want us to forget about it, okay. i know you’ve got a lot on your plate, but i have a few things to say before you shut me out, okay?” she clears her throat again and uncurls her fingers. she presses her palms along her trousers until they feel dry. “i liked it. kissing you, i mean. and it’s not just because i haven’t been kissed in a while. it was because it was you. i like spending time with you. you’re smart. you keep up with me. you’re funny and caring. you carry a lot on your shoulders, but still keep looking out for everyone else. it makes me worry, but that’s not what we’re discussing right now. and for the first time in a long time, i want to be selfish. with you.”
she realizes that she’s pacing, but it doesn’t stop. she keeps walking a few paces and then turning and walking a few more – rinse and repeat. the energy built up in her limbs is enough to make her feel mad. “if you don’t feel the same way, i understand. no hard feelings.” she tacks it on before she takes longer steps.
alex knew that she would have to face this head on at one point or another, she just figured that she would have been more prepared when she did - unfortunately, that isn’t the case. the longer lena speaks the more alex realises she actually has no clue what she should do. she knows that she only really has two choices in this situation. she denies absolutely everything she may or may not feel, or she just accepts it with the idea that she would deal with the consequences when the time came. but - there’s always a but when it comes to alex - she doesn’t know if she would have the strength to do that. she hasn’t been able to since maggie.
“you being a luthor has absolutely nothing to do with this,” alex scrambles to her feet and faces the brunette. “you know that that has nothing to do with -- god, lena. this -- no, just no,” she shakes her head and moves her hands through the air, using her physicality to express her point even further. “i trust you, okay? kara trusts you - name and all, it’s just --” she can barely get her thoughts out when lena continues to talk. every single word cuts through alex like a knife to butter. a part of her wishes that the kiss had never happened, that alex had been left on her own so that any decision she made while fuelled by liquor, but on the other hand -- god, she’s thought about it every single day since. all she can picture is how lena’s lips felt on her own, how it felt to be grabbed by the other and kissed hard. all she can picture is that moment - that one glorious moment that, for once, allowed alex to feel something that she hadn’t felt in a long time.
“--- i can’t ignore it,” she finally admits. she’s practically shaking at this point. so much so that she has to grab the back of her chair to steady herself. “you have -- you have no idea how much i’ve been thinking about -- about that,” she points at nothing, barely able to meet lena’s eyes. “i have no idea where we are, i don’t know how to get home, and i don’t know how i can look my sister in the eyes and tell her that we may never see national city again. i needed to focus on that, i need -- i need -- that’s what i was focusing on. i needed to figure that out and then you -- you,” she finally looks up at lena and exhales slowly. “all i can see is my feelings for -- my hard feelings -- for you... my sister’s best friend,” she lifts her hands and runs them both through her short hair as she sinks back onto the table. “i. am. so. confused.”
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