alex knew that she would have to face this head on at one point or another, she just figured that she would have been more prepared when she did - unfortunately, that isnât the case. the longer lena speaks the more alex realises she actually has no clue what she should do. she knows that she only really has two choices in this situation. she denies absolutely everything she may or may not feel, or she just accepts it with the idea that she would deal with the consequences when the time came. but - thereâs always a but when it comes to alex - she doesnât know if she would have the strength to do that. she hasnât been able to since maggie.
âyou being a luthor has absolutely nothing to do with this,â alex scrambles to her feet and faces the brunette. âyou know that that has nothing to do with â god, lena. this â no, just no,â she shakes her head and moves her hands through the air, using her physicality to express her point even further. âi trust you, okay? kara trusts you - name and all, itâs just ââ she can barely get her thoughts out when lena continues to talk. every single word cuts through alex like a knife to butter. a part of her wishes that the kiss had never happened, that alex had been left on her own so that any decision she made while fuelled by liquor, but on the other hand â god, sheâs thought about it every single day since. all she can picture is how lenaâs lips felt on her own, how it felt to be grabbed by the other and kissed hard. all she can picture is that moment - that one glorious moment that, for once, allowed alex to feel something that she hadnât felt in a long time.
ââ i canât ignore it,â she finally admits. sheâs practically shaking at this point. so much so that she has to grab the back of her chair to steady herself. âyou have â you have no idea how much iâve been thinking about â about that,â she points at nothing, barely able to meet lenaâs eyes. âi have no idea where we are, i donât know how to get home, and i donât know how i can look my sister in the eyes and tell her that we may never see national city again. i needed to focus on that, i need â i need â thatâs what i was focusing on. i needed to figure that out and then you â you,â she finally looks up at lena and exhales slowly. âall i can see is my feelings for â my hard feelings â for you⌠my sisterâs best friend,â she lifts her hands and runs them both through her short hair as she sinks back onto the table. âi. am. so. confused.â
      lena feels herself vibrating. itâs nervous energy and she quickly realizes how little sheâs actually been nervous in her life. there was moving to national city and launching l-corp. testifying against her mother in court. and finally, confront alex after their kiss. a heat kiss that she can still close her eyes and feel. with a small smile, she curls her fingers into her palm again -- this time to stop her from reaching out and grabbing alex. because they are both idiots. it makes her feel better to know sheâs not going to be push aside because of her last name. not that she really thought she would do that, but the self doubt lingers in the dark corners of her mind.Â
âlook, alex, i know that. i just... was tearing myself down. giving you an out if you really wanted it. whatever would make it easier if you want to reject me.â the words hurt her as she says them, but she stays steadfast. âi know.â it leaves her mouth in a rough -- jumbled up, but sheâs sure alex gets her meaning. âi think i have a pretty good idea. thereâs so much shit in my head these days, but my mind keeps going back to that. and how i might have fucked it up by kissing you back if it was a mistake. because we both are stupid and have been avoiding it.â she exhales trying to calm the shakiness she feels.Â
âi get it, alex. all iâve bene worried about is work -- about getting us back. because if i donât have that, what do i have? i know you understand that. we might never get back, but we both have to try and thatâs why i canât stop thinking about you.â she sets her jaw and starts pacing again. the hard feelings part stops her and she turns on her heel to look at her. âcan you not bring up kara? because...â she huffs. âitâs... i know!â she throws her hands up and walks towards alex, then stops and takes a few steps back. she stares at her. âi... can...â sheâs tongue tied and the experience is unfamiliar. it makes her feel off balance. âto be clear, you definitely want to kiss me again, right?âÂ